Day 141 - A New Beginning is What I Make of It

 

Today is the last day of the year and I am fine with letting this past year go. It wasn't a great year or a terrible year, it felt more sluggish and stuck than anything else. It seemed harder to move forward this year and every success was met with some kind of resistance that made it harder to achieve than it may otherwise have been. But there were successes and I am grateful for each of them and I am appreciative of every good thing that has happened for me and to me this past year. There were also some troubles - not awful, wring my hands and wail and moan kind of trouble, just annoying, bothersome and silly things that slowed me down.

 

Now I am facing a new beginning, even if it is just symbolic. Tomorrow will feel just about the same as today does, but with a new number slapped on the end of it. A new beginning is what I make of it - it's an opportunity if I want it to be. Or, it can just be another day I chalk off the calendar.  I'm not making any resolutions this year because I am smack dab in the middle of the biggest re-solution I have taken on in a long time. My health plan takes top priority among anything else I might resolve. And that's what I need to do - I need to re-solve my health issues because my first attempts at solving them didn't quite work out the way I had planned.

 

The years seem to pass much more quickly than they used to and I wish time would slow down just a bit. It feels like we just celebrated the new millenium and here we are at the end of its first decade. It all passes in the blink of an eye. The greatest gift I can give myself and others in the New Year is to be fully present in each moment, to reduce distractions and to focus on what's most important to me. I can make the most of each day by honoring my relationships and to feel the presence of those around me in more meaningful ways. Time is going to continue to march on by and I can't do a thing about that. What I can do is to spend my time in ways that are loving and caring, meaningful and productive, Fibro can't take any of that from me so I think that this is going to be a very good year - in fact, I plan on it!

Day 140 - A Cure for Cabin Fever

I haven't been out of the house much this week, just a few little jaunts here and there to run errands, but there have been many days this week I didn't even peek my nose out the door. It's just too cold and it gets dark so early! Today the cabin fever hit and I wanted to get out and about, have a nice lunch in a quaint little town and look at some pretty winter scenery. So that's what we did! Late this morning the hubby and I popped into the car and headed for parts unknown. We had an errand or two to deal with and that was okay - it was just another part of the adventure.

 

We headed north to the part of New Jersey that is filled with country roads lined with big, tall trees, creeks and rivers, rambling old houses from an earlier time and lots of farms and open spaces. I don't know why I still get a kick out of seeing horses in a pasture or cattle grazing in a field, but I do. I still love to watch a brook splashing against the rocks as it winds its way deep into the woods and out of my sight. I love to see the snow on the ground and the icicles that form off rooftops and branches. It's a feast for the eyes and a balm for the soul. I love to explore and to see new things, as well as things I've seen a zillion times before..

 

There are lots of pretty places to drive to and we both know the area pretty well, so at each intersection we made the decision where to head next, no plan, a whim set the path. We had lunch in a little main street restaurant in a wonderful little town and later we stopped for coffee. All afternoon the conversation was easy and relaxed. My hubby is a low-key, laid-back kind of guy and it's easy to feel relaxed around him. He doesn't mind when I drift off into a quick nap while he's doing the driving, or if I get tired when we've walked around town too much. I sit down when I need to and he just stays nearby, acting like it's no big deal. I really appreciate that about him. He doesn't make me feel diminished or weak when I have to tend to my fibro needs. So with that ride, I cured my cabin fever and I had a sweet kind of a day. This year is coming to a very pleasant end.....

Day 139 - Hook Me Up to a Continuous Energy Feed

A friend called me today and we were on the phone for a nice long while, getting caught up. She suggested that we get together and I explained that I'm sort of cutting back these days and I'd like to put off making any specific plans. We talked a little more and she suggested another kind of get-together, and I again declined. It's so hard for people to understand that I am still struggling with managing my energy even though I'm not sick in bed. It sounds so silly to be turning down plans to have fun when I don't look sick and even on some days, I'm feeling okay. 

 

I finally came upon a way of explaining my energy issues that seemed to make sense. I explained to my friend that if she heated her house with gas, there was a continuous supply and she probably didn't think much about it. Her home burned the energy that came in to fuel it, and there was a seemingly endless supply. As long as she pays her bill, she gets the energy she needs to run her house. That's how most healthy people deal with their own energy. They eat, they sleep, play, socialize and they exercise as ways to fuel their bodies - it's like that continuous gas feed - there is an endless supply of activities that can energize a person and the fact that those things create energy to run on, is just taken for granted.

 

I said that fibro and chronic fatigue felt like my body was more like a car getting filled up with gas. It can only run a certain amount of time on that tank before it runs out of fuel and comes to a screeching halt. We all know how complicated it is to deal with a car on the road that's run out of gas. Unlike healthy folks, eating good food and sleeping at night are not guarantees that I'll feel energized. Rather than exercise building energy, it depletes me as do all kinds of other enjoyable activities. I do what I can to make sure that my energy stays consistent and I am very aware of when I'm running low on fuel. But just like I wouldn't start a trip and get on a highway with an empty tank of gas, I won't plan activities that I know are going to use up too much of my fuel too quickly. I'm continuing to prioritize my life so I can do the things that are most essential to my happiness and well-being. So I hope my friend continues to call because when I'm up to it I really do want to get together. I just want to be sure it won't be the one thing that has me running out of gas!

Day 138 - A Memory Like an Elephant - Ummm, No.

Last week I called to make a hair appointment on Wednesday morning. I chose a morning appointment so I would have the rest of the day to do as I pleased. Two hours later, I realized I had a doctor appointment at that exact time so I called and changed the appointment to just after noon time. An hour later I realized my doctor appointment wasn't until the NEXT Wednesday and there was no need for me to change the appointment. All this was done while I was looking at my calendar. Geez. My brain takes me places I just don't plan to go.

 

One of the things that happens to me (even when things aren't really busy) is I get my details all messed up and confused. Add busy to that and I see myself getting behind on the more mundane parts of my life. I start to notice my paperwork is piling up more than usual and I have more things on my household to-do list than I normally would because other tasks were a higher priority. Even on a calm, no-stress day I have missed a few meds because I forgot to bring my pill box with me when I went out, or I went into the kitchen to take my pills and forgot about them once I got there. When I forget it might be hours before I remember again. Soooo annoying! I can get myself into a pretty good routine and then it doesn't take much for me to lose it and have to  re-group and get focused yet again. It's great to have fun things happening that break the everyday monotony, but boy do they wreak havoc with my organizational skills.

 

I've never been the most organized person on the universe, so I've always needed to borrow a few organization strategies from my more organized friends. Problem is, I don't know how to make them stick! I keep a little notebook in my purse for writing things down that I need to do and remember. I just need to LOOK at that little notebook more often. I forget that I have it and so I forget stuff anyway. I write down appointments and obligations in my daily planner - then forget to open it up on the days I don't go into the office. I have a special case to carry my meds with me and I still forget to take them. I put an alarm on my phone to remind me of a med dose, to make a phone call or keep a doctor appointment. Problem is, after I turn off the alarm, the message goes right out of my head. Sometimes I write things down in more than one place and then I wind up double booking appointments. I've yet to find an ironclad strategy.

 

I really, really want to have a great memory, a clear head and a mind like a steel trap that never forgets a detail. I don't. Not today, anyway. But I can hope that it will get better. And I can plan for it by continuing to practice the organizational skills I see working for other people. I just need to stick with it and continue to make the most of the messy situations that get created when I experience a brain burp or a fibro moment.

Day 137 - I Can Stop Before I get Into Trouble

Today was a lovely day. I was kind of stuck inside because of the snow. We got well over a foot of the white stuff and it was very cold and windy all day. I am so happy that we downsized because in a storm like this all the clearing is left to the homeowners association (better them than me)! I spent the morning lazing around after making a nice breakfast for myself and the hubby. Later in the day I dragged out my sewing machine. I had to hem a few pairs of jeans for my daughter to take back home with her. Hemming is one of those tasks I put off forever because it is so tedious. But today was a perfect day for that kind of a job and once I got into it, it was actually kind of fun.

 

I love small jobs that have a beginning, a middle and an end. I looked at the clock when I started my hemming because I was curious to know how long it would take for me to finish the job. It was much less time than I anticipated and it even got me motivated to do some more mending and alterations. But I decided it could wait until tomorrow. I was smart enough to stop using my sewing machine before my back and neck started to act up. Now I can approach a new set of little jobs tomorrow knowing that I don't have to be in pain because I've stuck with a task for too long.

 

Once I get into something I hate to stop. I really can get into the rhythm of an activity and I lose all sense of time. I usually know it's time to stop when my muscles start to lock up and I can't stand the pain any longer. In the past, I've pushed through the pain when I really wanted to do something that was interesting and motivating for me. Now I am better at stopping before I create trouble. Knowing when to stop continues to be a challenge for me because I love to do so many things. I did much better this year with my holiday preparations and I didn't even have a crash after the big day. Maybe, just maybe, I'm finally learning to take better care of myself. Wow, wouldn't that be something. Real, measurable progress and something that I have control over. I can identify a healthy choice that gives me a real benefit. I like that.

Day 136 - I Can Treat Myself as Well As I Treat Others

This past fall when we were up at our cabin, we took a drive to a really neat general store in a town not far from us. There aren't many stores where we go up in the mountains and the few we frequent are filled with every imaginable treasure - from toothpicks to bedspreads, batteries to jewelry, books to boots. You want it - they've got it. Need it - it's there, too. Wandering around Hoss's Corner is like wandering through a museum as well as a gift shop, clothing store, grocery store and sporting goods shop, all rolled into one. There's something for everyone. On the way out, there's even a bin of penny candy (it costs a nickel, but who's counting?). A trip to Hoss's is an adventure.

I am the queen of bargain hunting and I rarely pay full-price for anything. I figure I can only spend a dollar once and I'm going to get the most out of that dollar! Even when I'm someplace on a weekend get-away, I am always looking for something on sale or at least the best value. So, when I tried on a really beautiful embroidered fleece vest, I knew I wouldn't be taking it home with me. I just wouldn't pay full price - even though I loved it! I couldn't rationalize spending that kind of money on myself. When I got home, though, I hit the internet looking for that same vest on sale. It didn't happen. I was pretty disappointed because the vest fit perfectly and I really did love it, but I just wouldn't pay the price they were asking and I figured I could wait until it went on sale. Did I need it? No, I wanted it, and for me that's not the same. So I let it go. It was the sensible thing to do.

Well, life is full of lovely little surprises. Last night as I was opening my Christmas gifts - what did I find? You guessed it - my vest. It is the perfect size, color, and fit, and I couldn't be happier. My hubby got it for me because he knew that I wouldn't get it for myself. As much as I appreciate his generosity and thoughtfulness, I have to remember that sometimes it's okay not to be so sensible. It's easy for me to buy for others and to be even a bit extravagant with the ones I love, but I don't usually do that for myself. This year I want to make sure I take as good care of myself as I do others. It was more than wonderful that my hubby got me that vest. But next time, I'm going to think it through a bit differently. I don't need to go crazy with the idea, but every now and again, I think it's just fine that I treat myself to something I want - even if it's not on sale!

Day 135 - My Gifts Aren't Always Wrapped in Pretty Paper

What a special day it has been - family gathered together, sharing gifts and laughter, all of us thankful for the love we share. It is such an exciting time for the little ones and us big kids get to have our share of fun, too. We always spend some time remembering Christmases past and the memories are filled with happy moments.

Now the day is done and as I look back - all the work and planning was sure worth it. There aren't many days of the year that bring out the best in everyone and Christmastime is that for me. I plan to hold onto the spirit of Christmas for as long as I can because Christmas is more than just a day at the end of the year. Christmastime holds an attitude of unselfish giving and joy that I can embrace all year long. The gifts in my life are many and aren't necessarily found under a tree or wrapped in pretty paper. I can appreciate all that I have been given every single day of the year. What a nice way to hold onto the happiness that Christmas brings.

Day 134 - 'Tis the Season

It's a busy day here - my daughter home, finishing up last minute things for tomorrow and getting ready for dinner here in a little while. It's an exciting time for me - even though I'm not a kid anymore! I love wrapping gifts and the anticipation of giving them. I love the songs and all the television shows from when my kids were little. I love the lights and the merriment. Last night we drove around town looking at the holiday lights and had a cup of cocoa and relaxed a bit. I think I had as much fun as my daughter did, ooohing and ahhhing over the pretty displays.

I am so blessed to have family around me at Christmas and I send prayers to those who are so much less fortunate than me. I don't take for granted the blessings in my life and I know that even though my health may be a bit of a challenge these days, there is much to be grateful for. So now I'll head downstairs and get out the pretty plates and make the table festive for my family. 'Tis the season to be jolly - and today I am one jolly lady! We are all ready for the big day tomorrow and I just can't wait!

Day 133 - Vacation - A Time to Party, Rest, Think and Relax

It's official - no more work until after the first of the year - yippeeeeeeee! It feels great to know that whatever I left on my desk will wait there patiently for me to return and I'm not going to worry about it until then. It feels good to be on vacation - even though my plans don't include going away. I like that I'll be able to sleep in if I choose and take a nap in the afternoon without desperately needing it. I'll rest because it's vacation time - not because I'm having a bad day. I look forward to puttering around the house and getting to a few little projects I've put off. I'm going to make a cup of tea or coffee when I feel like it and sit down in a big comfy chair and enjoy it - not slug it down while I'm in my car, stopped at a traffic light. I am not going to get dressed up - its jeans and sweats for me! Well, except for the holiday get-togethers - I'll make an exception.

 

I've noticed that since I've been on my one activity per day routine, I am a bit more organized. I haven't been starting a lot of little things and not having the energy to finish them up. So I won't be spending my time off re-organizing. That's a plus! There are a few movies on my watch list and I'm going to be sure to get to a few of those. I didn't send out cards this year so I would like to get on the phone and wish some folks a happy holiday. I like the idea of unscheduled time and I am going to make sure I have plenty of it so I can conserve some of my energy and put it toward building my stamina and endurance.

 

One final plan for the holiday is to make sure I spend time in quiet contemplation. I love finishing up a year with some reflection - what's happened over the course of the past year? What's in the works? What state are my relationships in and what else can I do to tend to them? What are my blessings and who has been in my inner circle, supporting me every step of the way? How will I give thanks and show appreciation for my many blessings? All these questions need attention and a quiet mind and an open heart. Time away from the every day hustle and bustle affords me the luxury of having that time to myself. So I'm going to party a bit, rest a bit, think a bit and relax a lot. Sounds like it's going to be a perfect vacation!

Day 132 - I'm a Sissy When it Comes to the Cold

Today is the second day of winter. Yesterday was the darkest day of the year. So now I guess we are starting in the other direction, moving toward the days getting longer. I'm all for that! I've probably expressed this before - but I am no fan of winter. My body locks up when I go out in the cold and I feel like once I get chilled it takes forever to warm up again. When I go out I wear a super warm coat, ski gloves, a scarf I can use as a hat and I even wear socks to the office because I don't want my little tootsies to get chilled. I wear layers so I stay toasty warm and when I'm at home, there is always a blanket nearby that I can wrap around me if I'm sitting and reading or watching TV.

There is something, though, about a crisp, sunny, winter day that is very special. I love those days when the wind isn't blowing and there isn't a cloud in the sky. If I'm dressed for the weather it can be exhilarating to take a walk and breathe in the cool, crisp winter air. I like to take my dog out on days like that because I know he loves it, too. He prances alongside me like he hasn't a care in the world and I must be the biggest fool on earth not to enjoy every minute outdoors, the way he does! I don't get it that his feet don't get cold when after fifteen minutes my toes have gone numb, regardless of how I've bundled them up. I slather my dry and painful skin with healing potions and the dog runs around in his bare feet in the snow and does just fine. Ridiculous.

I'm often asked it the weather affects my fibro and the answer is, yes. Any extremes and my energy plummets. I love those 70 degree days with a slight breeze. Three hundred and sixty-five of those would suit me just fine. But, that's not where I live and I am not a person who can pick up and leave everything behind, even if it means I'll have some better days. I adore being near family, friends and my own history. I have lots of wonderful memories of being out in the winter cold as a kid and having a ball. I remember skating on the river in our local park and the hut where we would go to warm ourselves by the fire. I remember playing in the woods behind the house where I grew up and carrying my skates in case there was a good size puddle that had frozen over. I recall wanting to be outside and hating that it got dark early and I had to come back in for dinner. But now I'm a sissy when it comes to the cold and I accept that, even as I remember the days when that wasn't so.

Day 131 - Happy Birthday to Me!!

Today is my birthday and it's been a great day. I don't know if having my own personal holiday contributed to my well-being - but I have to say I felt really good all day. I treated myself to a massage after work this afternoon and it was relaxing and helped to untangle the knots in my back and neck. As I left, I could feel the difference and I sure hope the good feeling lasts.

 

Of course with a birthday comes family celebrations and I loved them, too. I'm lucky to have more than one celebration and it's fun! A bit of "happy cake", a few hugs and smooches, and I'm good to go! Nothing like a sloppy kiss from a little person to make the day complete. It's really a lovely tradition that we celebrate the birthdays of the people we love. It's nice to set some time aside from our busy lives to pause and let each other know they are loved and appreciated.

 

Every year I look back at the gifts life has given me since my last birthday. It has been a wonderful year and I make sure to count my blessings and express gratitude for all that life gives me. I couldn't ask for a more supportive family and my friends keep my spirits up. My work is good and I have plenty to keep me busy, if I want to be. I am another year older - but I hope a bit wiser. I've done this blog for four months now and I think it helps me to clear my head sometimes and to get me focused on what my priorities need to be. I have connected with wonderful and power-filled women who walk this same fibro path. I am a happy woman.

Day 130 - No More Running on Empty

I slept in the car on the way home last night. We were coming home from a family birthday celebration. I woke up about half-way through the two hour drive with my husband remarking that we were about to run out of gas. He was driving my car and we knew we had about 60 miles left in the tank, but we didn''t stop for gas on the way there. So here we were without a gas station in sight, with the needle buried on empty. We got to a station just in the nick of time and filled the tank. I said that I heard it wasn't good to let the tank get so far down to empty and he agreed. I think the same is true for me.

 

The most recent revision of my get-well plan is to always keep my own tank at least half full, I'm not going to run myself down to empty and need a couple of days to re-energize, even if it means one day on and one day off. I've been pretty good at keeping my activity level down to a pace I can manage, but I still feel the impact of a day when I spend a little too much time on my feet doing whatever I'm doing. We had two celebrations this weekend and I was wiped out today, so I spent the day resting instead of doing the things I might have wanted to do otherwise. I'm supposed to eat out tonight and I think I'll be ready for that, especially since it's with my hubby, daughter and son-in-law. They make me feel really good when we're all together.

 

Re-fueling goes beyond resting. It's about following through with the meds and supplements my Lady Doc prescribes. It's also about eating good food that isn't over-processed and out of a box, it's about getting in my fruits and veggies each day and keeping up with drinking enough water. It's also about keeping my emotions clear and addressing the good, the bad or the ugly as it comes up so I don't spend time stewing and burning up emotional energy. Re-fueling is about what goes into my head, too - like positive thoughts, prayers and affirmations as well as seeking out those things that make me feel happy and relaxed. Sometimes it's best not to drown myself in the news and instead let myself be entertained with something uplifting or that makes me laugh. I don't have a dial like in my car to tell me when my energy is running low, but I do know that it does me no good to run on empty.

Day 129 - Let's Be Reasonable - A Healthy Choice.

Last night I spent considerable time in conversation with a couple whose views are quite a bit different from mine. What was noteworthy for me, was that we rose above those differences and were able to have a lovely evening together. One of the big social stressors for me is the duality that has been created in our culture with seemingly no place to meet in the middle. This couple and I talked quite a bit about the impact it has had on real discussion and exchange of ideas as well as what might be happening to the young people as they watch adults embrace the duality and behave in very unpleasant ways. My political or religious views are not a weapon that I carry with me - ready to use to attack and separate myself from those around me. I am looking for ways to make my life better - not more contentious or complicated.

 

I remember a time when you could have civil, as well as enlightening, conversations with someone who held a different stance than the one you embraced. Emily Post (the good manners lady) has said it's best not to discuss politics, religion or money in polite conversation. But I believe it is important for us to be able to discuss what is happening in the world around us with our trusted friends and maybe even our relatives. (Otherwise, we are left to the media to figure all this stuff out). I respect, even more than I used to, the right of any person to hold beliefs that are different - even very different from mine. It's mostly because silencing a detractor means I never get to hear what that person is thinking, or believing. When I can get into the head of another way of thinking it expands my knowing - it may help me see a perspective I may not have considered or to help me clarify the issue from a different position than the one I hold.

 

When in conversation, I try to think about what is driving the other person's belief - and if those beliefs come from a place of honesty, authenticity and concern, then I am called to respect their right to hold and express those beliefs. I rarely come into contact with individuals who are unreasonable in the expression of what they believe, or even those who are motivated by hatred or division - those conversations seem to get unglued pretty fast and I'm not into that kind of debate. Plus, I don't need that additional stress. And, if I think about it, it seems that our different beliefs don't prevent us from working together, caring for each other or building a better community with each other on an every day basis, regardless of the beliefs we hold. It's only when we slap on the labels and point an accusing finger at our differences that things get testy. I'm done with testy - Let's be Reasonable is my new slogan!

Day 128 - Sticking Close to Home

The hubby and I had planned on being away for a few days over the holidays. But I don't think we're going to make it. We wanted to go up to the mountains but it is so cold, I can't imagine myself having much fun in the frigid weather! He will want to do some cross-country skiing and snow shoeing, but at least for this winter, those things are not on my list of possible activities. Sure, it's great to be in the cabin with the fireplace burning - but that means packing and unpacking to leave, then packing and unpacking again once we head home. It also means extra laundry, grocery shopping and whatever else it takes to be away from home for a while. Sounds like a huge project to me!

 

I used to love weekend get-aways, but I'm loving them less and less. If I could wave a magic wand and have my bags packed, the arrangements magically taken care of for the cat, someone to organize the mail so I don't come home to a pile that rivals Mt Everest and someone to put everything thing away once I got home, I might consider it. But I don't have a maid or a butler, so going away remains a big job.

 

We both have a few days off so I think instead of heading north, we're going to plan to relax around here. We're not big partiers, quiet times at home might suit us just fine. I'm thinking about what I'd like, but I also have to consider what my hubby will enjoy. There are times when he goes to events without me and I know it gets hard for him to be at home when there is good stuff going on that we could attend together. We need to have a heart-to-heart and an honest exchange about how we will spend our time. I don't want my need to hunker down to negatively impact my hubby's enjoyment of his time off, or how he celebrates the holidays.

We are a team and both our needs must be considered.

Day 127 - Serene Time Alone - An Absolute Must

The house was quiet most of today. I've been doing a little bit of puttering and the quiet has been soothing. There are just some days when it's good not to have any background chatter - whether it's the radio, a cd or the television. I never feel lonely when I'm by myself on this kind of day. It's actually a sure-fire way to help me re-charge my battery. The sun was starting to go down so I thought it was time to bring in a little company, so I headed downstairs and popped in one of my favorite holiday cds. It's a group that I've listened to for many years and it's just instrumental - no words to think about, just soothing beautiful music. So as I write it is softly playing in the background.

Serenity is required for my healing. I need peace and quiet combined with some joy and that's a perfect recipe for getting back up on my feet. I need my alone time as much as I need food and water. Without it I get cranky and on edge. It doesn't have to be a great big chunk of time, but it has to be enough time that I notice that I am spending time alone. The quiet helps me to get centered and to shed all the busyness my brain typically dishes out. As I move from one low-key activity to the next, I feel relaxed and in control - not hurried and frazzled. I rest between tasks with a cup of tea and I let myself enjoy my own company. If the cat chooses to plop down on my lap, that's just fine with me. We relax together.

My quiet time feels different at different times of the day or night. It seems to match the day's unfolding - in the morning my energy slowly rises and in the afternoon it has found its pace. As the sun goes down, I start to sense the letting go has done it's work. I feel settled and as the night falls, I am ready to light a fire and curl up on the couch. A quiet day alone is a real treat because most of the time when I'm alone, there is also a lot going on around me. Not today. It was blissfully quiet and peaceful and I feel ready to ease into my weekend. It's nice to be alone and not feel lonely.

Day 126 - Not Cheery or Chatty - It's Morning After All

Getting up and out to go to an early meeting is a real test of will. I need a bomb under me to get me going in the morning. My hubby usually nudges me awake and will periodically nag me if I don't get moving. He's nice about it - but I'm in no mood to be cheerful or chatty so I give him a lot of credit for taking me on. This morning I got a late start and I just hate the way it feels to be rushing around, trying to get out of the house on time. I had to make a conscious effort not to burn all my energy before I even made it out of the door.

 

I have a true envy for morning people. You know the ones - they pop out of bed by six every morning, they exercise, meet friends for coffee, eat a healthy breakfast and hit the office by eight and never break a sweat. They are filled with energy, wide awake at the crack of dawn  will take on anything that comes up. It doesn't matter to them that three fourths of the world is still sound asleep, or grumping about the fact that they're not. I do best later in the day, like around four in the afternoon until around eight at night. But that's if I haven't worked that day. In that case - I leave it all at the office and come home ready to veg on the couch. I know that there are times that I can't bend my schedule to my will, but I do know that if I want to get something done, it's best if I don't go at it first thing in the day.

 

If work demands my attention early in the day, at least being around other people is a positive energizer for me. I find that when I'm at work everyone I'm with adds to my energy level and I can get more done when I'm surrounded by other busy people. It didn't take long for me to figure out that I'm not a morning person, but I spent years working with responsibilities that had me starting early and that worked against my natural body clock. It's good that I now have fewer days when I have to get up while it's still dark outside. I have a schedule that is much friendlier to my body and I can ease into the day and let my energy build a bit before I tackle whatever is next. 

Day 125 - A Burst of Love - A Burst of Energy

Last night I was on the phone with my younger daughter, the one who lives in a group home. She called and wanted me to know she wasn't having a very good day - she was feeling up, then down, and then back up again and in that moment she just wanted to come home. She does very well where she's living and has been in her house for many years. The program she attends is rich in activities and in caring people who truly take a deep interest in her well-being - and she's happy. But just like the rest of us, some days are better than others, and also like the rest of us, the comforts of home seem like the answer.

 

We talked things through and she said what she needed to say because it's important for her to feel heard. Then we did our usual phone routine - talking a bit, getting my hubby on the phone with her, singing some songs and saying silly stuff to make her laugh. We had a great conversation and she was feeling lots better. Then it was time to hang up the phone and she got sad again. I was willing to talk her through it, but she quickly pulled herself together, said goodbye, and headed off to spend time with her friends. I was happy for her that she has those freindships. It is an incredible gift and a relief that she can live as independently as she does. I just don't know how I could manage it if she was still living here. Just that twenty minutes on the phone took a lot of emotional energy.

 

The times my daughter does come home are intense. She needs help with most of what she wants to do and her attention span is about four minutes, then she's onto something new.  I love it when she comes home and I can keep up when I have to. But by the time she leaves, I'm feeling the exhaustion creep in. Visits are usually a few days at a time. I treasure the time we spend together, but at the same time wonder how I'm going to pull it off. We all know that raising kids is no easy task. Parents with kids who are still needing us, and our attention, are a special challenge when fibro and fatigue are in the picture. Luckily, the love we feel for our children - whether thay are small or grown - pulls us through and gives us that extra little bit of energy we might not have otherwise.

Day 124 - Many Hands Reaching Out

About a zillion years ago I was on a retreat and we did a trust walk. (Do you remember that trust exercise from your high school days when two people held hands and one led, while the other followed, with eyes closed? That's the one we did- but I was in my thirties). Anyway, we walked into the woods, with about a foot of snow on the ground. I was being led through the powder, fully trusting my partner. At one point he took a step and I followed, but I must not have been right behind him because I sunk to my waist and he was just fine!! Actually, he was so fine, he let me go so he wouldn't fall in along with me. We laughed, I dusted myself off and we talked about what all that meant. Did I feel let down? Did he not keep me safe? Was I annoyed that he led me into a ditch? Would it have been better if we both fell in or was it good to have someone to pull me out? It was a wonderful conversation and in the end, I trusted him even more than when I was blindfolded.

 

The purpose of the trust walk was to question whether a person could put absolute trust in another and still feel safe and protected. For many people it was easy, and even fun, but for others, they weren't quite into the "I can trust  you" mentality. It told each of us something important about ourselves. My partner and I made some significant connections to our lives and our relationships and it was important for us to be authentic so we could get the most from the exercise. I have always been a very trusting person, sometimes too much so, and it's gotten me into some pretty good messes. We talked about that. As I've matured, I've learned discernment and I realize that not everyone or everything is worthy of my trust. But, all-in-all, I give my trust more than I withhold it and I will trust until someone proves I shouldn't.

 

I'm thinking of that trust walk today because I feel that it really represents where I am today. I am holding the hands of the people who are near and dear to me and looking for them to help keep me safe and protected. I can't do this journey alone and the fact that my family, friends and co-workers are so kind and supportive, means I can lean into them and know that they won't let me down. They really are, in the biggest sense of the word, "there" for me. At home my hubby has really stepped up, my daughter is fiercely in my corner, the folks at work are taking on more and more and doing it with a sense of commitment and determination. My friends couldn't be sweeter. They all speak their minds and pull me up short when I'm doing something that isn't in my best interest, as well as encourage me when I am. I feel an overwhelming sense of trust in the people who are in my everyday life. I know with them, that even if I fall into another ditch, there will be many hands reaching out, ready to pull me up. I am so very blessed.

Day 123 - I'll Do This- But I Don't Have to Like It

Yesterday's post was about not taking on too much and keeping activity balanced with rest. I am not at the beginning of that process, for years I have been trimming away at my life until I hardly recognize the life I'm living. I was always full of energy and excitement. Everything from a chipmunk on the patio to a double rainbow in the sky could get me to jump up and explore. Work was play, I loved it so much. I taught all around the country working with teachers and wanted to make a difference for kids. I started my own business and worked hard to make it grow and succeed. I had lunches and dinners with girlfriends and dates with my husband. I parented my kids with a high level of involvement and got to know their friends and welcomed them into my home. I spent time with family. Home was a busy place! I had hobbies and loved to spend hours wandering in antique shops looking for beat up treasures I could bring to life. I had an active spiritual life and read books and magazines and anything I could get my hands on, to help me understand myself and others. I took great pleasure in my home and was always tinkering with one room or another. I exercised and was in great shape.

 

So much is different now and I grieve the loss of what once was. My kids are grown and on their own, I've downsized to a townhouse and I've given up my beloved teaching. My friends spend time with me on the phone or online and I rarely make a date to get together. My hobbies are fewer, but still important to me. Exercise is reduced to walking and gentle stretching, but I keep trying to do more. The stack of unread books by my bedside just sits there because my double vision strikes more frequently and my prism glasses just make my eyes tired, so I have a hard time reading. I miss my spiritual community but I still maintain a deep and abiding faith. My life is different, it's good, but very different. When I am asked to cut back even more it feels awful - so restrictive and uncomfortable. I've cut enough. I've lost enough. I've had enough.

 

I am usually an upbeat person and I like to think I learn my lessons well. What I'm not good at is being pushed around and that's what this feels like. Fibro keeps pushing and I keep wanting to push back. I see doing even less as giving in and I don't want to think, for even a second, that I am giving up. I know this is all for the best, I get that. I really do. But I don't have to like it, especially on those days when I've got some pep in my step, my head feels clear and I'm filled with enthusiasm for life. I am continuing to edit my life and to look for ways to support my emotional well-being while my body slowly does its healing thing.

Day 122 - Living My Values - But Needing More Balance

Lots of my friends from all around the country are saying that they've had snow! The first snowfall of the season is its own special kind of holiday and where I live, if it snows enough we all get a "snow day", which means you hunker down, stay home and just watch out the window as the world is painted white. I've always liked snow days for my own particular reason. Those days are a "free pass". I can feel the relief flood my body and feel my shoulders drop as I shed the responsibilities I would have had to face that day. I can relax and not do much of anything and no one notices because they're doing the same thing! I'm usually the one out of step during the week when I'm lounging around, not able to get to work, or do my jobs around the house and the guilt weighs heavily. At least on a snow day I don't feel or look lazy - I just look like I'm goofing off because it's snowing!

Giving myself permission to not "do" is huge. It runs against my grain and it's not who I like to be. "I can do that", is a phrase that frequently rolls off my tongue - even when it shouldn't. I like to be competent, a contributor, the one who can get things done and I like to do what I want to do. When the things I need to do for myself get put further down on my list in place of something else that comes up and I'm needed, I know that's out of balance. I am working so hard to turn that around and let me just say - it isn't easy! Putting myself at the top, or at least near the top of the list is something I have always struggled with. Part of it comes with the territory of being a wife and mother with a career and lots of friends and interests. I grew up in an era when women were just starting to realize there was a real possibility of striking a balance - but that balance is elusive, even still.

It really is true that you can't have it all, but you can have some, of all of it. The question becomes, what stays and what goes. I value being giving, caring and attentive to those that I love and I also believe it is my duty to contribute to the betterment of my community. It has been a life-long struggle to balance those values with the reality of my life. Now, I have to add in the demands of my fibro and fatigue recovery and that demands some real soul searching and a redefinition of what those values mean to me and my life. I will always love my family fiercely and I want very much to be part of all that family life means - the good, the playful, the messy - I don't get to pick and choose only what's in it for me when I am in a committed relationship with the people I love. My work gives me the opportunity to make my community stronger and I don't want to have to give that up. Striking a healthy balance is a recurring theme for me so I know I have to give it my attention. If I don't get it right, the balance tips and my body makes the choice for me - I stay sick and I don't want that. At all.

Day 121 - Missed the Party - But That's Okay

Tonight I was supposed to get all dressed up to go to a big shindig with my hubby. He had to go, it was a work-relayed commitment, so I sent him off looking all shiny and handsome. I really wanted to go with him, but my doc says those kinds of events are too much energy for me to be expending at this point in my recovery. I didn't whine and complain about not being able to go (but I really wanted to). It's fun to get all dressed up and go on a date and I don't like being left behind. But, I promise myself that after I'm feeling better I'm going to make it up to my hubby and to myself. We deserve fun times as a couple and I feel like he's putting up with a lot these days with me being stuck on the couch. Missing fun things isn't much fun, but I can make the most of each day.

 

In addition to planning some fun stuff to do, weekends are a great time to kick back and re-group after a long week. Since I'm working on re-building my store of energy, I made today especially relaxing, and that felt great. I spent time reading, watching a movie, spending some time with the kids and taking a nap. It was the first time in six days I went out of the house and it was a beautiful winter day. I don't want to take anything for granted, especially good health, so I am concentrating on making the most of every day in terms of working on my wellness plan and choosing things to do that I enjoy.

 

The day is nearly over but even though I didn't get to go to the big party, it was a very good day. I am fine spending time by myself and I love that I can putter around the house and keep myself busy and engaged. I have always been a bit of a home body, so it really isn't so bad that I have to spend more time at home than I used to. Today is day one of my weekend and I have another day ahead of me to enjoy and to use to make my body stronger. I'm working hard on keeping my chin up and not getting discouraged by the slow pace of my recovery. Slow and steady progress is fine with me - as long as I'm still progressing.

Day 120 - Happy to Comply, Unless I'm Not

My younger daughter had some pretty serious eye problems when she was a baby. As a result, she had to wear an eye patch and switch from one eye to the other each day. It was no surprise that she had absolutely no interest in wearing the patch and as soon as I put it on, she would pull it off. And so it went all day, on-off, on-off, on-off. I made an appointment to discuss the problem with her eye doctor. His solution - put casts on her arms to keep her from pulling off the patch. Huh? Was he kidding me? I disagreed and he tried to convince me to do things his way. I wouldn't be convinced and scooped up my daughter and told him he might be able to do that to another child - but certainly not my daughter. I went to another doctor and we used eye drops to blur the vision in one eye to strengthen the muscles in the other. No patch. It worked.

 

It isn't easy to have the courage of my convictions, and push back when a doctor is leading me in a direction I don't feel comfortable with. It's true when dealing with doctor's for my kids as well as my own care. I want to be a partner in making decisions and I am not willing to trade one set of problems for another. I am excited to say that I don't have to make that kind of trade-off with my Lady Doc. I am getting excellent treatment with no, I repeat no, side effects. I find that pretty amazing because we are attacking this fibro and fatigue on many fronts. I take meds and supplements all through the day, but with no additional symptoms! Pretty cool. I really appreciate being a partner in my care, being able to share my point of view and my opinion about what we're doing without feeling like I am being a "non-compliant" patient. I'm happy to comply when I understand what we're doing and why we're doing it. I'm also comfortable when I know that we are taking the safest route to my recovery. I've changed doctors a number of times, but this time, I think I'm in it for the long haul. It feels good to feel respected by a doctor that I respect in return.

 

It takes careful consideration to decide when my best interest is being served and when it's important to stand up for myself and demand something better. I don't mind putting up with some discomfort for the greater good - like doing my vitamin B shots at home, but I have pretty much lost my tolerance for side effects. If something makes me feel worse by doing it, I'm not going to do it. There are many decisions that doctors have made for my care that have created more trouble than they were worth. I just don't want to go there again. And, with my Lady Doc, I don't have to worry about it.

Day 119 - My Recovery is Up To Me

It's been a long week, and slowly, but surely, I am feeling better. Each day I've felt a bit stronger than the day before and I am seeing steady progress. I thought I might be able to go into work today, but as soon as I started to get ready it was clear I didn't have the energy to get myself cleaned up and dressed, let alone do my work. Very frustrating. I really love my work and I don't like it when I have to pull back from my responsibilities - partly because I hate to have things pile up and partly because I don't want to increase someone else's workload just because I can't make it into work. It's not intentional so I think I need to work on the guilt!

It feels so self centered to be sitting here taking care of my needs when I know there is so much to do, both at work and at home. I don't like it when I can't go into work. I chose work that I think brings value to the world and I want to be part of that mission, and at home I like doing things to keep our home a comfortable and attractive place to be. I've never been a stranger to hard work and I don't like that everyone keeps telling me to just focus on myself. It's not the way I'm put together. But, I know if I don't pay attention now, this is fibro and fatigue is only going to get worse. Then, I'll be totally useless to everyone, not just the folks I work with, but to my friends, family and myself.

I keep thinking I'm "getting" what this recovery thing means, but instead I keep finding out, again and again, that there are lessons to be learned. I have to keep digging deeper and I'm willing to do that - but it's HARD!!! This is so incredibly difficult, but I don't have a choice if I want my body to heal. It's easy for people to give me advice, and they do, but that makes me feel not just sick, but stupid, as well. It so embarrassing when something is really obvious and I've missed it, or there is part of my plan that I think I'm doing a good job with, but I'm really not. I am continuing to refine my plan and maybe I really didn't get how serious this recovery process is, but I have to continue to be curious, reflective and assertive as I make the decisions, along with my Lady Doc, that will keep me pointed in the right direction. I sure don't want another week like this one has been!

Day 118 - Another Round of Cuts - Heavy Sigh

It's been quite a day. It started with a visit with my Lady Doc and the outcome still has me thinking and reflecting. Seems I've been working against my best interests by continuing to take on responsibilities and activities that I am not really strong enough to keep on doing. When I feel good, I feel motivated and that motivation leads me to trouble. When I got sick earlier this week, it was clear that I have no energy reserve and I was fully depleted from just a simple bug. I have to concentrate on building the kind of reserve that will allow me to function more normally.

I am feeling saddened and disappointed over my current physical state. It is important to me to get the most out of life. This on-again-off-again energy supply makes it difficult to plan or enjoy the things in my life that give me pleaure and a sense of purpose. I've always been the helper, the one who kept things together and now I'm not. The shoe is on the other foot and instead of giving help, I'm the one needing it. It is hard to be the needy one and even harder to ask for help. My family is behind me one hundred per cent so I have to give up my pride and ask for what I need and pray that I don't overburden the ones I love. I hope they know I would do this for them if they asked it of me. 

My hubby and I had a long talk tonight and I talked with my daughter, too. Together we are looking at ways to divide up my current responsibilities and see how I can cut back even more. I hate the fact that I can't add to what I'm doing let alone having to cut back again. If I have to cut back even more to get my life back, let it be, but I am not giving up on this fight. This retreat is actually an advance and I am armed and ready for the next level of battle!

Day 117 - Sadly, Some Things Have Got to Go

I just did some holiday trimming - and it has nothing to do with my house or the tree. I made a list and checked it twice and categorized activities as naughty or nice. What went on the nice list? Well, just a very few things. And the naughty list? All the things this season that will put my energy at an even lower level than it is right now. Why? Because I just got hit with a 24 hour bug and I was a sick as a person can be. I'm talking no energy for anything, including lifting my head for more than a minute or two at a time. I mostly slept for over thirty-four hours and then spent this morning napping and graduated to the couch for the afternoon. It's been horrible. I spoke with my doctor this morning and I have a revised plan for the holiday season. It's a much reduced version of my earlier plan.

So, what is going off the list - hosting the office holiday luncheon, a dress-up gala next Saturday night, a get together with a couple that we like to spend time with, preparing any of the meals for our family get-togethers here at the house (it's going to be take-out for us this year), my gift list just got shorter, and whatever else I have to do will be online. And finally, no Christmas cards this year. I do hate taking any of these things off my list but if I do more than I should I may just miss the most important moments of my holiday.

I just don't seem to be able to learn the lesson that I can't do as much as I'm doing. I already feel so limited, but I have to trim more. What I realized yesterday is that if I were to have to battle any kind of a serious illness, I might not have the reserve to win the battle. I could wind up being sick longer than I might normally be or I might not be able to function in a way that gives my life even the quality that I have now. If a simple little 24-hour bug can wipe me out the way it did - I worry about what else might knock me for a loop. So I know my friends and family will understand when I have to back off even more than I already have. I have a choice here and I'm making the tough one - a little discomfort now hopefully in exchange for a better life later. 

Day 116 - As Sick as I Can Be

Today's entry is going to be very brief. Spent the day curled up in bed, barely able to lift my head. I don't get much sicker than this. Not good. The hubby stayed home and looked after me. Thank God. I could barely move. I'm still feeling terrible but I am doing my best to get better. Tomorrow is another day and I want to be ready for it. As for now. Nite. Nite.

Day 115 - Brussel Sprouts and Taking a Risk

Yesterday when I went shopping for a few groceries, I made a very huge purchase. Yesterday marked the very first time in my life that I, myself, purchased brussel sprouts. This is a big deal because I have never, in all my adult years, cooked a brussel sprout in my kitchen. I've already shared my hatred of the innocent little lima bean and brussel sprouts are right up there with them. But here's the thing, if I am going to stay open to my life as it unfolds, I have to be willing to take a risk every now and then. Maybe things are different than they were when I hated those small, round, intensely bitter mini-cabbages. Someone else did the cooking and they didn't taste very good at all. Well, now I'm the cook, and I'm going to whip up something special and change my mind about something I have steadfastly held onto for decades. My goal - to embrace the lowly brussel sprout and make it a welcome part of my winter diet. Big goal. Gulp.

I've taken other forays into unknown or disliked foods, but none as brave as taking on the brussel sprout. When my hubby and I were dating, we would go to the grocery each week and pick out a fruit we had never tasted before and probably never heard of. Once we made that decision it seemed there was an entire world of fruits we didn't know anything about. Most weeks we were pleasantly surprised, but this one week, yikes! We bit into the most unappetizing, pucker creating, nasty-textured fruit I've ever experienced. I don't remember what it was, but I don't intend to eat it ever again. We still laugh about that taste test and I don't regret for a minute taking that risk. Getting out of my comfort zone is an important way for me to feel alive and connected. Who knows where one little choice might lead?

Life is full of risks - big and small. Certainly in the scheme of things, choosing to eat a brussel sprout is no big deal. I'm a grown up and if I never want to see another one on my plate that's my choice. But I think that if I can keep myself open to the small risks and challenges life puts before me, the more able I'll be able to take on the bigger ones. Nothing in life is for certain and life can sure turn on a dime. But if I can embrace uncertainty, take appropriate risks and keep myself from being firmly entrenched in a rut, I think I have a better chance of making good choices. I've avoided some things in life, just like I have those dreaded veggies, but I know I am strong enough to look it all straight in the eye and move on from there. Now if it turns out I still hate brussel sprouts, so be it. At least I can say I gave it my best shot, and I took on a challenge.

Day 114 - How Much of Me Do I Share With You?

A long time ago, I wrote a message to someone from my past and thought the note would go directly to that person. Ohhhh, noooooo - instead it went up as a post for everyone on the site to see. Yikes! It was waaaay too much information and none of what I shared should have been public - like my address, or the fact that I was living alone and single. When I found out what I had done I panicked and called the owner of the site who assured me it would be taken down immediately. It wasn't. The only thing that gives me comfort about that mistake is that I have since moved and there is so much stuff out there, it got buried. But it's still there and I know it. This was well over ten years ago and I still remember the sting of that important lesson.

 

Recently, my hubby found a phone on the path where he walks our dog. He brought it home and tried to track down the owner, whose name appeared on the opening screen. The white pages didn't yield any results so he left the phone on the counter and intended to contact the carrier and see if he could have it tracked that way. I told him I'd give it a shot.  When I did a search of the owner's name, I found him, but there was more information about him than I needed to know, if you catch my drift. And although he wrote a lovely thank you note, the image that popped up on my screen as I did my search, has stayed in my mind. It turns out that he's a new neighbor and lives just a street away from me. I got to know him a little too well, a little too soon, by finding him on my computer search. I wish he knew the lesson I learned ten years ago.

 

These instances make me very much aware of what I am sharing as I write each day and then post my blog online. I am careful not to name names and I tell my story - not stories that are someone else's to tell. I am careful to not put myself in an uncomfortable situation by sharing things that are too personal. I have no control over who will read what I write and I have to feel comfortable about how much of my inner self I expose. I think that if I'm home a lot, it could get a little too easy to share too much, or too often. I watch myself for that. These social network sites do serve a purpose, but they are a tool, and I have to make good choices about how I use them. For those of us who feel housebound for any period of time, it's a great way to reach out and have someone else right there to respond and to engage in conversation. Once something gets posted rgough, it's there forever, and I want to make sure that I am authentic, honest and appropriately self-revealing about my lessons and personal growth as I share my journey of recovery.

Day 113 - Need to Heap on the Tender Loving Care

I have a nativity set that is decades old and made of something called chalk ware. It's very fragile and I love that it's old and has been around for decades. It's got little chips and cracks that add to its character and I always wrap each piece carefully before I put it away at the end of the Christmas season. Imagine my shock when I opened the box this year and found half the figures had their heads broken off. I felt really disappointed and felt that I hadn't been a very good caregiver if this was the state the pieces were in. I put the headless pieces and their matching heads in a box and kind of stared at them all week, trying to figure out how I was going to get each one back in shape. Today I took on the project, with good results, I might add.

Old things are wonderful. I like them and I don't care of they are scratched or a bit out of repair. I like bringing old stuff back to life and my house is filled with furniture and accents that come from places like flea markets, antique shops and artsy-craftsy places. The older the better, especially if something is different or has an interesting history. I feel a sense of responsibility when I bring something like that into the house and feel like I should make sure it gets a good home when I no longer need or use it. I like giving that extra little bit of tender loving care and I love being surrounded by things that have had a life before me and will have one after me.

I was a little nervous in my attempt to fix my broken figures. There were four men and a donkey with their heads snapped off. My attic must not have had the right climate for them to survive and they won't go back up there again. I like to think I learn from my mistakes, and I do from lots of them. I wish I knew what I was or wasn't doing to get my health right. I wish getting better could be as easy as looking up a plan on the internet, following the directions, and then getting the desired result. It works for chalk ware, but not for me. Not yet, anyway. Lots of mornings I wake up feeling like my head is about to fall off and I want to reach for a magic potion to glue it back on straight. I know I'm worth fixing, I just have to keep up the same kind of tender loving care I give to those special old things around the house.

Day 112 - That Was Then, This Is Now

 

My elementary school was probably less than a mile from home, but it was still a good, long walk home after school. My siblings and I walked it nearly every day and usually with friends from the neighborhood, or buddies we picked up along the route. We always walked the same way, down the same streets and you could probably set a watch by the time we walked by a certain house, or intersection. As we approached my street I had to turn a corner to get to my house and as soon as I got around the turn I could see the house in plain view. It was right in the middle of the row of houses on the block. It looked benign from the outside and pretty much like every other house on the street. Such predictability - the walk, the friends, the time it took, the cookie-cutter houses all in a row.

 

But that's where the predictability came to a screeching halt. I never knew when I walked through the front door what kind of greeting would await me once I got inside. Would it be a friendly hello, silence, a dark room, anger, rage or a combination of things that made me know it wasn't going to be a very good day? I had a mother that was pretty volatile and she was the kind of person who could act as sweet as pie one minute or mean as a badger the next. If she got onto something she wouldn't let it go and if I messed up there was hell to pay. During the day, while I was at school, she might discover something I had done wrong and she'd stew about it all day until I got home. I'd walk in the door and POW I'd catch her wrath. Or, she may have had a really good day and she'd be all smiles and encouraging us to have friends over. I just never knew when she would explode or be happy and I think I spent my childhood watching for some sign of what might happen next.

 

Psychologists call that hyper-vigilance. It's like you're at a scary movie and sitting at the edge of your seat. Nothing bad is happening yet, but you know it's coming and you want to be ready, just in case. Growing up that way took a lot of energy and I was a pretty sickly kid. I was also very tiny and skinny. It was like I didn't dare take up too much space in the world, or maybe I decided unconsciously that I better stay small so I might go unnoticed. But then again, I always had a big mouth so there goes that theory. Who knows. I just know I had many illnesses as a kid. It got particularly bad in college when I was holding down a job and trying to balance academics, a social life, and the challenges of still living at home. 

 

I have to watch out for those hyper-vigilant behaviors that can suck the energy right out of me. I am safe and among people who love, respect, and nurture me and I affirm that every day. I'm not a kid any more, but I can still read a person's expression and get a real sense of where their mood is heading. I know this is true because of the way I manage that, if I feel discomfort. I ask. Once I know what I'm dealing with, I'm fine. Even now, I don't want any surprises. My life is filled with lots of potential energy drains and it's up to me to manage them so my energy can be spent in ways that are pleasing to me. I am empowered when I understand my behaviors and choose those that serve my wellness rather than stuff I don't need to pay attention to any more.

Day 111 - Control or Choice? Confidence or Fear?

I was reading a book today about letting go and came across a thought that really struck me. Controlling behavior is a direct response to our fear, panic and sense of helplessness. It is a direct response to feeling overwhelmed and to distrust (Beattie). That's pretty big. I keep saying that I want to get control of this fibro thing. I want to control it so it doesn't control me. When I look at the list of words used here to describe the act of controlling they sure do relate to the emotions I experience living with fibro - certainly fear and helplessness, and feeling overwhelmed as well. Do I trust my body to heal? Do I trust my doc to lead me in the right direction? Do I trust myself to follow through on all aspects of my wellness? I might be trusting on one level, but deep inside I suspect there is, in addition to my positive thoughts, a basic fear that underlies my recovery goal. I'm afraid that after all this effort, nothing is going to change, that I won't get better. That's a big "what if" and "what ifs" are fear driven. So if fear is undermining all of the good, solid decisions I'm making, can it possibly get me to where I need to go? Good question.

In my experience, when my fear drives any decision, it doesn't go as well as it might have. When I look for control and it's out of a sense of fear, I am working from my weaker side, rather than coming at the situation from a sense of peace and confidence.  In any dynamic situation, I don't really have control, but I do have choice. I can control when and if I take my meds, but once they get into my body - my body takes charge. Now I can create an internal climate for those meds that help them to work better - positive thoughts and affirmations, prayer, and meditation ready my bigger self to receive healing. Then I also have to eat well, get good sleep, avoid stressors, exercise a bit, and pace myself to keep things in balance. In addition, I have to remain open to healing and not allow myself to be discouraged. A fleeting fearful thought isn't going to derail me - being real with myself is important - but I can't allow toxic, negative feelings to overwhelm me.

One of my biggest frustrations with fibro is the unpredictability. How can it be that I did all the right things over many days and I still crash? How can just one day of pushing seem to undo all of the good I've accomplished? How can I stay encouraged and motivated knowing that it's my body that is in charge here? It took a long time for my body to get in the shape its in and I have to practice patience as I work my way out of it. My fears may come and go, but I have to find peace with the fact that whatever my life looks like in terms of my health, I can still feel a strong sense of well-being and a confidence that my life is still full of the kinds of people and experiences that make every single day a gift and a joy to behold.

Day 110 - Getting Serious About Having Fun

Two days ago I was a maniac getting the house ready for Christmas. My hubby brought down all the boxes from the attic and I went at them with all the enthusiasm I could muster. My body kept telling me to slow down, take a break and leave some for the next day. I didn't listen. Well, I listened for a minute or two. I would sit down on the couch with a hot cup of tea for a much needed rest, then get another idea, and pop right up again. I fussed with this and adjusted that and by the time I got back to the couch, my tea was cold. My next break wasn't any longer than the first. I told myself to stop, but I was so into it and having so much fun I kept pushing through the pain and the tiredness. That was wrong on so many levels. Yesterday I paid the price.

 

When will I ever learn that I can't do, what I can't do. Geez. You'd think after all these years I'd get smart - but noooo, I just have to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. Not good. I get lured into thinking I can squeeze out another okay-day when I've had a few in a row. The holiday weekend was pretty good and there was enough rest time that I could keep up with what was going on. But, when I get into a project and I am on a roll, it just feels unnatural to stop right in the middle, especially if I'm not flat on my back. Well, that's exactly where that kind of thinking got me. I couldn't even sit up for dinner last night I was so depleted, nor could I get myself off the couch and into bed when bedtime rolled around. What a mess.

 

Yesterday was a wake-up call. Again. Okay, again, again, and yet again. I hate to give in to this fibro thing. I resent it so much some days that I could just spit! I want to wish it away, erase it, stomp it and explode it right out of my life. Enough is enough and I've had it! This is the season to be jolly, merry, hopeful, inspired and uplifted. I am all of those things on the inside - my spirit is filled with joy, but this body of mine thinks it can get the upper hand. I may be down but don't count me out. I may be tired, but my spirit isn't be weary. If I can remember that I can do a lot of things, if not every thing I might be better at striking a balance. I have got to listen to my body. I need to care for it as tenderly and attentively as I would care for someone else. This season is filled with fun things to do and I want to be part of it all. Keeping a balance over the next few weeks will be a test of my resolve.

Day 109 - Life's Dance of Grief and Happiness

My daughter has a single dimple that earned her the title, Princess Hole in the Face. Maybe a strange name to some, but that was the special name her Grandpa called her. It always brought a smile, which brought out the dimple, that led to an affirmation that, 'Yes!", it was the perfect title! I always appreciated the way he made my girls feel because they felt loved and cherished when they were at Grandpa and Grandma's house. Both grandparents had their little rituals that the girls looked forward to - Grandpa's gentle teasing and silliness, the books and crayons and paper that was kept in the basement, the lovely meals shared around a calm and happy table, and the piece of cheese in the fridge with my daughter's name on it. And there was the love, ah yes, that wonderful and tender grandparent love.....

 

These sweet and loving people didn't have to be grandparents to my kids, they did it by choice. I have known these folks since I was just a little kid, and their daughter has been my life-long best friend. I asked for their emotional support when I was in college and they have been there for me ever since. Every person I have loved, they have welcomed into their open hearts, no questions asked. They are my definition of love, dedication and devotion. I want to be as good to every single person in my life as they have been to me. They helped to heal my soul and my life and they were there in a moment in time when things could have gone very differently.

 

It's strange how happy and sad can get all mixed together and it's hard to know which is which. But that's what's mixed up in me today. This is the season for my losing two Dads. Because just as my daughter's had a loving extra Grandpa, I had an extra Dad that showed me love and acceptance and was in my life for many decades. My own father passed away the night before Thanksgiving less than ten years ago and my second dad passed, years later, just after the holiday. Today is the anniversary of his passing. So as I celebrate Thanksgiving and gather into my mind and heart all that I have been blessed with, I am also profoundly touched by what I have lost. These two men were wonderful and well loved, and they are sorely missed. They lived down the street from each other lots of years ago, when I was just a little kid and I knew my best friend's father. Now they reside, side by side in my heart, where I feel their perfect, loving presence.

Day 108 - In Good Hands - Celebrating Competence

Last night, after we got back from a long, but very pleasant day, we heard a strange noise in the bathroom wall. It was a combination of a snake hissing and water running, but we couldn't find anything. We just had a hot water heater replaced and we thought that maybe there was some connection, but when we turned off the heater, the sound continued. Silly us, we should have turned off all the water. We woke up to a bubble in the bathroom wall and when I put my hand on it, I could feel a combination of air and water pressing against the sheet-rock. Oops. We immediately called our favorite plumber and he came over to diagnose the problem and give us a plan to fix it.

 

It was wonderful to deal with a cheerful and competent person on a Sunday morning. I'm sure my house is the last place this fella wanted to be, but here he was poking and prodding and getting it all figured out, all the while chatting and being an overall nice person. He didn't tell us we were dumb to keep the water on (maybe he was thinking it) but he came here to fix things, not stir them up! It would be wonderful if everyone I had to deal with when it comes to resolving a problem could be as personable and competent. It made an unpleasant situation much easier to deal with and I felt like I got good service, which can be in short supply these days.

 

I need a good long list of experts in my life, and they are important to me. I need my doc, a computer whiz, a car repair person, someone to make my eye glasses, a handyman, a grocery deliverer, a massage therapist, a really good plumber, and more! I don't take their services lightly and I fell enormous appreciation for those who do things for me that I can't do for myself. Those kinds of services make my life easier and even though we're not best friends, it's nice to deal with someone who I feel comfortable with - that I respect and that respects me, as well. I hope that by the end of the day tomorrow I will be done with my plumbing saga, there is still a bit more to do, but I feel confident that I am in kind and confident hands.

Day 107 - My Many Faces of Fibro

Today was a busy one. All the usual hustle and bustle of a holiday weekend with family. I was thinking about how the day has unfolded and all the ups and downs I've felt and the many faces of me.

Wake up time - oh, don't look at this face. Looks like I haven't slept a wink, my skin is gray and puffy, my eyelids are droopy and I look like and feel like a total grump.

Head to the kitchen to whip up a little breakfast and take care of everybody's meds. Still looking droopy - but starting to open my eyes a bit to see what I'm doing. I don't want to scare my daughter with my grump face so I paste on a half-smile and say a few cheery (but not convincing) words to get things off on the right track.

Time to get dressed - no energy for doing the whole shower, hair, make-up thing so I slap on some sunscreen and a glop of make-up, smear it around and call it finished. I have to be out in public and I do have my pride, but this face will definitely not win any beauty contests!

A couple of hours in the car, taking my daughter back to her group home and I just want peace and quiet. What I get instead is a steady stream of questions and comments so I kind of stare straight ahead with my plain old, I'm tired face, and I try to act at least a bit cheery. I think I pulled it off.

Mid-afternoon and I'm catching my second wind. My hubby and I browse about in a very cool artsy, antique store, and I get excited and interested in what I'm seeing. What's that - a real smile? Yep. It just might be! We have an engaging conversation with a local artist and I feel like a regular, every-day person - fibro fades to the background. Sweet.

Into the car and onto a relaxed dinner with the hubby. I don't think my face looks any different than anyone else's in the restaurant and I feel satisfied that I have had a good day and I think my happy face shows it. I give the hubby an extra smile just to make sure.

It's dark outside, even though it's still early. I settle into my seat for the still long ride home and within just a few miles I am starting to melt into my sleepy face. My eyes start to burn and my lids get heavy and ready to fall, my head nods forward and then I drift off for a nap. Guess I wasn't very good company, but I think my peaceful face showed I needed the rest.

Now I'm facing my computer, reporting on my day and I think it's been a good one. Doesn't matter that fibro came along for the ride. Today it took a back seat. I'm smiling and ready to take on another day.

Day 106 - Cookin' Something Up

Someone once gave me a fancy machine that could slice, dice, shred and mix with the push of a button. It came with a twenty-five page booklet of directions, suggestions and warnings in addition to a short video that described each of the parts that came intricately packaged in the box. I made room for this magical machine in my kitchen cabinet and also found a place for the various attachments, some of which could cut off a finger if grabbed at the wrong angle. I never used that machine and after owning for about ten years, gave it away to someone I know has never used it either!

I thought about that must-have contraption as I was getting dinner ready for company tonight and I didn't miss having it. I just love the feel of chopping veggies and getting the ingredients ready for a meal. There is a calmness that comes from working with food and preparing something I know is going to taste good that I forget about sometimes. It isn't until I'm elbow deep in the preparation that I remember that I really do like to cook. Most  nights I'm beyond beat and it's tough to muster the energy to put together an attractive and tasty meal. Between me and my hubby we do okay, but I really do love feeding a crowd!

This is the time of year when things can get out of hand when it comes to busyness and never ending lists of things to get done. One danger is that I can get so focused on getting ready for what's coming up I forget to take good care of myself, and that includes eating well. So when dinner time rolls around it doesn't take much to lean toward quick and easy and forget about slow and just a little harder. Just because something is easy it doesn't make it better and just because it's harder it doesn't mean it isn't worth my effort and energy, so I have to find the best balance of both. I like to eat healthy meals so I like to keep easy ingredients in the house so I can fancy something up without too much effort. I may not have a gourmet kitchen or the newest and greatest kitchen accessories, but I do know how to put together a meal seasoned with a little bit of effort and a lot of love.