Lots of my friends from all around the country are saying that they've had snow! The first snowfall of the season is its own special kind of holiday and where I live, if it snows enough we all get a "snow day", which means you hunker down, stay home and just watch out the window as the world is painted white. I've always liked snow days for my own particular reason. Those days are a "free pass". I can feel the relief flood my body and feel my shoulders drop as I shed the responsibilities I would have had to face that day. I can relax and not do much of anything and no one notices because they're doing the same thing! I'm usually the one out of step during the week when I'm lounging around, not able to get to work, or do my jobs around the house and the guilt weighs heavily. At least on a snow day I don't feel or look lazy - I just look like I'm goofing off because it's snowing!
Giving myself permission to not "do" is huge. It runs against my grain and it's not who I like to be. "I can do that", is a phrase that frequently rolls off my tongue - even when it shouldn't. I like to be competent, a contributor, the one who can get things done and I like to do what I want to do. When the things I need to do for myself get put further down on my list in place of something else that comes up and I'm needed, I know that's out of balance. I am working so hard to turn that around and let me just say - it isn't easy! Putting myself at the top, or at least near the top of the list is something I have always struggled with. Part of it comes with the territory of being a wife and mother with a career and lots of friends and interests. I grew up in an era when women were just starting to realize there was a real possibility of striking a balance - but that balance is elusive, even still.
It really is true that you can't have it all, but you can have some, of all of it. The question becomes, what stays and what goes. I value being giving, caring and attentive to those that I love and I also believe it is my duty to contribute to the betterment of my community. It has been a life-long struggle to balance those values with the reality of my life. Now, I have to add in the demands of my fibro and fatigue recovery and that demands some real soul searching and a redefinition of what those values mean to me and my life. I will always love my family fiercely and I want very much to be part of all that family life means - the good, the playful, the messy - I don't get to pick and choose only what's in it for me when I am in a committed relationship with the people I love. My work gives me the opportunity to make my community stronger and I don't want to have to give that up. Striking a healthy balance is a recurring theme for me so I know I have to give it my attention. If I don't get it right, the balance tips and my body makes the choice for me - I stay sick and I don't want that. At all.
Giving myself permission to not "do" is huge. It runs against my grain and it's not who I like to be. "I can do that", is a phrase that frequently rolls off my tongue - even when it shouldn't. I like to be competent, a contributor, the one who can get things done and I like to do what I want to do. When the things I need to do for myself get put further down on my list in place of something else that comes up and I'm needed, I know that's out of balance. I am working so hard to turn that around and let me just say - it isn't easy! Putting myself at the top, or at least near the top of the list is something I have always struggled with. Part of it comes with the territory of being a wife and mother with a career and lots of friends and interests. I grew up in an era when women were just starting to realize there was a real possibility of striking a balance - but that balance is elusive, even still.
It really is true that you can't have it all, but you can have some, of all of it. The question becomes, what stays and what goes. I value being giving, caring and attentive to those that I love and I also believe it is my duty to contribute to the betterment of my community. It has been a life-long struggle to balance those values with the reality of my life. Now, I have to add in the demands of my fibro and fatigue recovery and that demands some real soul searching and a redefinition of what those values mean to me and my life. I will always love my family fiercely and I want very much to be part of all that family life means - the good, the playful, the messy - I don't get to pick and choose only what's in it for me when I am in a committed relationship with the people I love. My work gives me the opportunity to make my community stronger and I don't want to have to give that up. Striking a healthy balance is a recurring theme for me so I know I have to give it my attention. If I don't get it right, the balance tips and my body makes the choice for me - I stay sick and I don't want that. At all.
No comments:
Post a Comment