I was reading a book today about letting go and came across a thought that really struck me. Controlling behavior is a direct response to our fear, panic and sense of helplessness. It is a direct response to feeling overwhelmed and to distrust (Beattie). That's pretty big. I keep saying that I want to get control of this fibro thing. I want to control it so it doesn't control me. When I look at the list of words used here to describe the act of controlling they sure do relate to the emotions I experience living with fibro - certainly fear and helplessness, and feeling overwhelmed as well. Do I trust my body to heal? Do I trust my doc to lead me in the right direction? Do I trust myself to follow through on all aspects of my wellness? I might be trusting on one level, but deep inside I suspect there is, in addition to my positive thoughts, a basic fear that underlies my recovery goal. I'm afraid that after all this effort, nothing is going to change, that I won't get better. That's a big "what if" and "what ifs" are fear driven. So if fear is undermining all of the good, solid decisions I'm making, can it possibly get me to where I need to go? Good question.
In my experience, when my fear drives any decision, it doesn't go as well as it might have. When I look for control and it's out of a sense of fear, I am working from my weaker side, rather than coming at the situation from a sense of peace and confidence. In any dynamic situation, I don't really have control, but I do have choice. I can control when and if I take my meds, but once they get into my body - my body takes charge. Now I can create an internal climate for those meds that help them to work better - positive thoughts and affirmations, prayer, and meditation ready my bigger self to receive healing. Then I also have to eat well, get good sleep, avoid stressors, exercise a bit, and pace myself to keep things in balance. In addition, I have to remain open to healing and not allow myself to be discouraged. A fleeting fearful thought isn't going to derail me - being real with myself is important - but I can't allow toxic, negative feelings to overwhelm me.
One of my biggest frustrations with fibro is the unpredictability. How can it be that I did all the right things over many days and I still crash? How can just one day of pushing seem to undo all of the good I've accomplished? How can I stay encouraged and motivated knowing that it's my body that is in charge here? It took a long time for my body to get in the shape its in and I have to practice patience as I work my way out of it. My fears may come and go, but I have to find peace with the fact that whatever my life looks like in terms of my health, I can still feel a strong sense of well-being and a confidence that my life is still full of the kinds of people and experiences that make every single day a gift and a joy to behold.
In my experience, when my fear drives any decision, it doesn't go as well as it might have. When I look for control and it's out of a sense of fear, I am working from my weaker side, rather than coming at the situation from a sense of peace and confidence. In any dynamic situation, I don't really have control, but I do have choice. I can control when and if I take my meds, but once they get into my body - my body takes charge. Now I can create an internal climate for those meds that help them to work better - positive thoughts and affirmations, prayer, and meditation ready my bigger self to receive healing. Then I also have to eat well, get good sleep, avoid stressors, exercise a bit, and pace myself to keep things in balance. In addition, I have to remain open to healing and not allow myself to be discouraged. A fleeting fearful thought isn't going to derail me - being real with myself is important - but I can't allow toxic, negative feelings to overwhelm me.
One of my biggest frustrations with fibro is the unpredictability. How can it be that I did all the right things over many days and I still crash? How can just one day of pushing seem to undo all of the good I've accomplished? How can I stay encouraged and motivated knowing that it's my body that is in charge here? It took a long time for my body to get in the shape its in and I have to practice patience as I work my way out of it. My fears may come and go, but I have to find peace with the fact that whatever my life looks like in terms of my health, I can still feel a strong sense of well-being and a confidence that my life is still full of the kinds of people and experiences that make every single day a gift and a joy to behold.
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