Day 200 - Let Me Outta Here - Time in the Tube

Positive self-talk is supposed to be a great strategy for managing a challenge. Today it worked for me (well, that and keeping my eyes squeezed shut). I had an MRI done this morning. I took one look at that tiny tube the technician planned to slide my body into and I thought, "No way". Well, it had to be done and I hadn't thought to ask if they offered an open MRI. So there I was, ready to be treated like a pair of socks being shoved into a drawer. Enter self-talk. As soon as the technician tucked me in with a couple of snuggly blankets I closed my eyes and told myself I was just fine. I immediately pictured myself lounging at the beach. Whenever my mind wandered from that picture and I began to think about where I really was, I had a simple conversation with myself that brought me back to calm.

When I think about it  (aside from people with a real phobia) being in that MRI wasn't actually a big deal. It's all the things that could have happened that got my blood pressure up and made my palms sweaty. A long time ago, I had a teacher who talked about piling negativity on top of negativity. He called it, "pulling the hole in on yourself". What he meant was that when things are bad, or when faced with a challenge, we can have a tendency to start to think about all the things that are going badly or about everything that could possibly go wrong. So it's not enough that one thing is challenging or off track, we add more, pulling the hole in on ourself. The only thing that's accomplished is that we just become more miserable than we already are.

When I was lying in that tube, nothing bad was happening because it was small. Lying on there wasn't even thinking about why I needed an MRI, it was all about the lack of space in that silly tube. My mind wanted to focus on what I didn't like about the test and what could go wrong. I am just not used to being in such a tight space and I couldn't sit up. I couldn't get out if I wanted to, someone else was in control and my body was talking to me, too!  I did well because I stayed in each moment and kept saying to myself, "I am fully present in this moment, and in this moment I am fine". I silently sang along to the music being piped in through my headphones and one minute turned into the next and before I knew it I was finished. I didn't open my eyes until I was totally out of the machine, so I never really did see what it was like on the inside. I'll save that for another time. Today's MRI was a non-event. I managed my anxiety with simple stress-management strategies and I didn't pull the hole in on myself.

Day 199 - My Fibro is Like a Fly at a Picnic

I've been staring at the same pictures on the walls of my living room for a little too long. I have an idea in my mind of what I'd like to do, so I've been scouring catalogs and websites, but haven't found anything that strikes my fancy. So, today I decided to step out and visit one of my sure shot stores and found a couple of yummy things. I was out and back in less than two hours so I'm feeling okay. However, I had an interesting experience. The lady that waited on me was seventy-nine years old, full of vim and vigor and working full time as a shop keeper!

 

It was just a little disconcerting. She was taking about being on her feet all day, but loving what she was doing. She was also talking about how it was starting to become more difficult to do all of the traveling and shopping to keep her store stocked with new inventory. I had a though flash through my mind - she's seventy-nine and going strong. She was strong, able, capable, busy, working, traveling and shopping on a regular basis. Awesome. I want the same for me. I know it's not right to covet someone else's stamina - but there I was wishing I had the energy and abilities of a nearly eighty-year-old woman.

 

My acceptance of where I am with my health issues is a complicated thing. I think I'm there and then I'm not. I feel calm and centered, making the most of what I can do rather than focusing on what I can't - and then I am in the presence of an eighty-year old dynamo. I am happy and satisfied with my life - I do believe I am blessed and that my life is better than I ever could have imagined it to be. Except for that one little thing - fibro. It's like a fly at a picnic. Even though the weather is perfect, the food is great, the sun is shining and I'm with people I love - the darn fly takes center stage. The fly comes and goes - sometimes it's just a minor annoyance and other times it is so fully present that it's all out war with the fly swatter. The simple, everyday experiences of my life are great teachers. Today it was a lovely lady in a shop. I don't know what my lesson will be tomorrow, but I'm ready to learn.

Day 198 - I Need Some Spring - ASAP!

Late winter is a real tease. We are starting to get to that wonderful time of the year when the sun is heating up and the promise of putting winter behind is very real. It's not that it has been terribly warm or anything, but when I got into my car today, after it had been sitting in the sun, I was actually too warm with my coat on. What a heavenly feeling. It will be like that for the next couple of months - a nip in the air, but those first  minutes in my car feeling all cozy and warm. Sometimes I just like to sit for a few minutes and soak up that warmth and let it go right to my bones. Yummy.

 

Spring is just about my favorite time of year - filled with promise, sweet smells, soft colors and the joy of putting winter behind me. I am so thankful that I was able to get out of the cold for a few weeks during the roughest time of the season. I shouldn't complain for one second about how long winter has been.I had a wonderful break from sleet, snow, ice and temperatures that do not support life, when I was in Florida. Three delightful and delicious weeks away from the pressures of living in a cold climate did me well and I do believe, prevented me from diving deeper into the abyss of fibro. I will find myself stronger and more energized once the good weather hits.

 

Tonight the weather report was calling for another couple inches of snow tonight, but I think that's changed. Thank goodness. Just hearing that we might have snow again puts me in a funk. Enough already! Where I live we've had snow well into April, although it's not all that common. I intend to squeeze every little hint of spring out of each day, whether it's a few minutes on the sun porch on a sunny day, starting to check out the spring fashions in my catalogs or online, or doing little bits around the house to get it ready for some spring cleaning. Whatever it is, I am looking forward to the season of growth and expansion with the hopes of feeling better and better in the fibro-friendly weather.

Day 197 - Am I spending Too Much Time Alone?

Last night my hubby told me that tomorrow begins his "lost weekend". To him that means he has to go into work both Saturday and Sunday. He's doing work on a fundraising activity and he helps with the set up then on Sunday the event happens and he stays around for part of the cleanup. I miss his company when he has to work that way, but I have to admit I am looking forward to a weekend mostly by myself. It doesn't bother me one bit to be alone and I already have a few things in my head that I want to do with my "free" time. One thing I will plan is time for nothing - that's always a favorite with me!

 

Recently I've been wondering if I'm liking my time alone a little bit too much. Am I starting to isolate myself or am I just simply taking care of myself and reducing my stress and the energy I'm expending? It's something to consider. I sometimes feel that it's just easier not to take the risk of over-doing and other times I just would rather be by myself if I'm not feeling my best ( which is at least part of most days). I don't feel lonely when I'm by myself and I also don't see myself increasing my social time. I guess I'll know when I'm ready to take on more social time when that motivation kicks in. Until then I will be watchful and pay attention to my inner compass to guide me. I do not want to isolate myself and I do not want to spend more time alone that I have to.

 

I gain energy when I am around people who have a sense of humor, love life, are excited about their world and who have empathy for their own story and for the lives of others. I gain energy from people who are confident, expressive, interesting and who are interested in others. I love to be with people who love to be with people. I am concerned that talking about my health issues (even when asked) is enormously boring and not something people want to hear. That is especially true when I am feeling increased frustration with my fibro and fatigue. I don't want to burden or bore my friends and family but when I am really feeling rotten it's all I can think about. So, I stay away from too much social time and when I do a get-together I express myself honestly and try not to dwell on the negatives. If I am feeling down, I try to turn the conversation around so that it's not all about me. So for now, as long as I am not isolating myself, alone is just fine.

Day 196 - Still Fibro Me, But Running on Adrenaline

I call adrenaline my "fake energy". I can do amazing things when I am running on adrenaline. I felt it the other day when I was running an important meeting. I was fired up about the program we were discussing, confident in what I was bringing to the discussion, and engaged in the decision-making process. All systems were GO! When I got up to get ready for work that morning, I could already feel the effects of the excitement on my body. I moved a little quicker and things didn't take as long to get done, I was able to put any physical discomfort on the back burner and stay fully in the moment as I anticipated the meeting. I got out the door earlier than usual, as well. It is during those times is when I think people most question my condition. How can a person who is so animated and focused be sick? How is it possible that this person can't work a full week when it is clear she has lots of energy when she "chooses" to.

Those are fair and reasonable questions. A colleague at the meeting who knows me pretty well, and has seen me crash after doing too much, expressed that I sure had a lot of energy at this meeting. This person was genuinely interested in how it is that I can pull  off a meeting like I did and not appear to have any limitations. Ahhh, I explained, that's adrenaline!  I explained that typically I burn whatever energy my body has to offer - I use up the fuel and I get tired, just like everyone else. Or, I have to re-fuel multiple times (with healthy foods, supplements or a rest time) to get through my day. Everybody else re-fuels, too, but I don't have much of an energy reserve. Or, there it seems there isn't any fuel available to me to burn and that's a crash day.

So what happens when my adrenaline kicks in? Well, I think of it as a car that doesn't have much gas, but is at the top of a hill. Once the car crests at the top the "adrenaline" kicks in and the car easily goes down the hill. Problem is, there is nothing left to get back up the next hill. That's the fake part of adrenaline for me - I go fast, and a long distance, but I'm not burning fuel, I'm simply riding the momentum of my excitement and engagement with adrenaline pumping through my body. My cousin and I both have fibro and we always seem to sit together at family events and compare notes. The last event was her daughter's wedding. We were dancing and laughing, saying, "Boy are we going to pay for this tomorrow, but who cares - let's enjoy this!". And we danced and each had a great time, carried along by the celebration and joy in the room. Adrenaline doesn't kick in for putting out the garbage unless I'm about to miss the truck, or grocery shopping unless I'm racing to finish before the doors close. It has to be something with some immediacy or novelty to get those chemicals pumping. So trust that when I am on that adrenaline high, it's still me with fibro.

Day 195 - Learning to Accept and Not Succumb

When my daughter was born with multiple medical and developmental challenges, I was brought to my knees. I was only in my twenties and I wondered how I could ever manage all her needs and do it well. I was overwhelmed by the negative prognosis and wondered if she would live to celebrate each next birthday. She has a rare disorder that challenges her in all aspects of her life, but she never gives up and never gives in. When she was very small, just an infant in fact, I decided that I would accept that she was specially challenged but I would never succumb to her syndrome and make it define our lives with sadness or despair. We just kept putting one foot in front of the next and weeks turned to months, and months turned to years, and she is still going strong.

I have to be just as strong when it comes to my own medical issues. I can accept what is happening and learn about what I can do to make things the best they can be, but I will not succumb to fibro and fatigue. I am more than my challenges and my potential is still limitless, within a slightly different range. I just need to respect my body and choose activities that are manageable. I might not be able to take endless walks on the beach, but I can sit by the water and enjoy the waves. If I don't have the energy to go out to a nice restaurant - take out from a great spot and a movie are fun, too. I may have to give up my single kayak, but I can be in the back seat of a double, or hitch my kayak to the one in front of me (not pretty - but it works). Most of the things I like to do can be modified in a way that I can still fully enjoy. I can accept the adjustments and not succumb to resentment or unnecessary sadness at making the change.

Lately I feel like I am making a shift in my level of acceptance. I have been focusing on my recovery program for over six months. I feel as if I have made some progress. I wish it were more, but this is where I am. If this is as far as it goes, I will live with it, accept it and make peace with it. If I gain more, that would be wonderful and I will celebrate each measure of success and improvement. It's easy to get on an emotional roller coaster - good day - happy, bad day - miserable, good day - happy again, bad day - in the pits. I have to let go of my attachment to the kind of day I will have and just take each day as the gift it is.  Life is what I make it and if I have a challenge or two to deal with, so be it.

Day 194 - Off the Hook with a More Casual Approach

There's a silly little game my friends play with fortune cookies. After reading the fortune, they add the words, 'in bed". As in, "Today is a good time to finish up old tasks.....in bed." You get the drift. It's sure to create some giggles and a moment or two of playful embarrassment. I've taken a lesson from that game and I have been adding a word to describe my activities so that I am in better control of the energy I expend. The word? Casually. I will grocery shop, casually, Keep house, casually. Entertain, casually. Dress, casually. Take a walk, casually. Exercise, casually. Instead of getting caught up in the hustle and bustle of everyday demands I am choosing a more gentle way to approach the potential pressures of these activities. Even though I carefully choose what I take on each day, I sometimes get over involved in the activity I have chosen, and all of a sudden I'm faced with an energy crisis.

 

I am the kind of person who demonstrates my enthusiasm and if there is fun to be had, I want to be in on it. If the kids are playing, I want to play along. If friends are dancing, I want to dance, too. If visiting an antique shop is good, exploring two or three is even better. I suppose there are days that I just don't know when to quit. Sometimes if I'm working at my jewelry I can lose track of time and an hour slips into three or four. I push through my bad vision by leaving the finishing work until another time, or I may even skip a meal because I am so deep into what I am doing. I ignore my aching back and neck because I am so wrapped up in what I'm doing. When I don't pay as much attention to my physical state of being as I do to the task at hand, I pay for it later.

 

Doing a task casually gets me off the hook of perfection and a demand for high performance. It also helps me to focus on the kind of energy I choose to bring to my activity. I can still be enthusiastic and get a job done, but I can be kinder to myself in the doing. I know that I often have a higher expectation of myself than what the people around me expect. I love the feeling of accomplishment and the awareness of a job well-done  and now I can think of what I need to do in a more relaxed way. I have never been a perfectionist in the strictest sense of the word, but I have always paid attention to doing what I thought was my very best. My new casual approach takes doing my best down a notch to doing the best I can in the situation that I am in. It's a shift that makes sense to me.

Day 193 - Exercise - Start Slowly and Keep on Going

Today I spent some time with a Yoga instructor who provided me with strategies to adapt my Yoga practice to minimize pain and the possibility of a crash after a session.  The past couple of years it has been especially difficult to manage my fibro and fatigue and I have been out of my fitness routine in a big way. It is time to turn that around. I need to start doing something more to get my body back in shape. Luckily, I've always been pretty active and I have never been one to shy away from exercise. I've enjoyed hiking, canoeing, kayaking, walking, biking, dancing, and yoga. I didn't grow up with the concept of getting my exercise at a gym, so I've found other ways to build strength, balance and endurance. I'm starting again with Yoga because it does all of that for me.

 

I used to walk my dog every day and he was my guaranteed thirty minutes of exercise each afternoon. But after multiple episodes of crashing after a walk, I just couldn't risk pushing myself any more. I did yoga for many years but got away from it because the stretching hurt and the recovery time kept getting longer and longer. Twp years ago I got a new bike for Mother's Day and I didn't get on that bike once last summer.  I am concerned that the longer I stay away from using my body the more difficult it will be to get myself back in shape. I want a healthy body and a healthy heart, so I must get back on track - after all, I'm not getting any younger, and the older I get the harder it will be to get back in shape. Fortunately, my weight isn't an issue so I can focus specifically on multiple aspects of fitness as well as what my body can handle.

 

This time of year starts to get me thinking about possibilities and changes. After all, spring is just a month away! I figure if I can start my exercise routine in a slow and manageable way, by the time the warmer weather rolls around, I can take advantage of it with walks in the woods, swimming at the beach, paddling on a quiet lake or riding my bike and stopping for a picnic lunch. I don't have to do everything in terms of being active, but I do need to so something. There is a healthy balance I must strike between nutrition, sleep, meds and exercise (as well as the spiritual and emotional side of things). I feel as if I have been paying attention to the essential aspects of my recovery, except for setting specific fitness goals. Well, today is a new day and I am ready to take on this fitness challenge.  

Day 192 - Trapped by a Crash

Today was another crash day. I don't have enough negative words in my vocabulary to describe how angry and annoyed I feel. I don't know if it is winter that's getting to me or just this long fibro road full of miserable twists and turns that is getting me down. I feel like fibro is an old, hand-me-down coat I'm stuck with, that doesn't fit and makes me feel miserable and uncomfortable. I want to let this "coat" slide off my shoulders and fall to the ground, then step away and leave it behind. Instead it feels like the zipper is stuck, the button holes are too small and I can't find a way to wriggle out of it. It makes me feel trapped.

 

On a day like today, I feel like I am running out of ways to describe how I feel to the caring friends and loved ones in my life. I want to be honest when I am asked, and respond in a way that is evenhanded, genuine, sincere, open,  straightforward, and also with self-respect, and sincerity. I want to be positive and upbeat, not bore people with too many details and not come across as whining or complaining. Sometimes, when I downplay how I'm feeling, expectations for what I can do soar and I find myself back pedaling and disappointing others because they thought I was doing better. Even on a good day, my bar is lower than theirs. Today, after another afternoon of canceled plans I told my hubby I felt bad that he was stuck with me. There are many days that I believe he deserves better. He says otherwise and thank God he has a big heart.

 

It's not that I don't appreciate being asked how I'm doing. But on days like this, especially after a really good day, I feel down, negative and I can lose the filter that keeps me more upbeat and positive. A crash after a great day reminds me of my current limitations and that I am out of the loop. I don't want to be a drag, a pain in the butt, or the one who always messes up the plans. I feel disappointed when I have to back out of things and when I know that I am asking others to accommodate me. I am an independent woman who has been able to do for myself my whole life. Fibro and fatigue has impacted my life and my level of activity and independence. On one level I accept where I am, but there is still a fierce energy inside me that moves me forward. I am not giving up. I am a work in progress.

Day 191 - Fibro - Unpredictable and Full Of Surprises

I went shopping today! Shopping. I needed a few things for the upstairs bathroom and my daughter's room, so I headed out and had a very nice time poking around a home decor store and actually brought a few things home. I was out for a couple of hours and aside for a tiny bit of pain, felt really well. Why was today such a good day? Darned if I know. Yesterday I was exhausted and in pain. I could barely stay awake in the car after going out to lunch with my hubby. I didn't nap, but I still had a hard time falling asleep last night and didn't drift off until after one-thirty. Morning rolled around and I got up and out early for a Saturday morning. Based on the way things have gone in the past, I would have thought today was going to be a not-so-hot day. But, it turned out well. Fibro constantly surprises me.

Feeling great feels great. I like getting up in the morning with an open mind and waiting for the day to reveal itself to me. I approach every day as if it is going to be a good one. I get up, do my routine, and gently move into the morning. Some days I know immediately that it just isn't going to be a great day, but I always hold out hope that the day will turn around. Some days it does and some days it doesn't. I hang onto my optimism because it gives me the extra boost I may need to maximize my potential for feeling well. I think that it's about making the most of my day, whether it's a day to rest and restore or a day that has me out and about.

Spring is just around the corner and I am hopeful that the milder weather will give me another boost to help me turn the corner on my wellness plan. I have everything else in place and the warmer weather will do two things for me - the first is that a higher temperature is easier on my body and I have less pain and the extra daylight does wonders for me. The second is that I can be outside more and I am much more likely to get out and walk the dog or ride my bike if the weather is kind. I had a great day today and days like this make me feel excited and hopeful. Maybe fibro will surprise me again and make today the start of a string of great days.  

Day 190 - Pain, Pain, Go Away, Don't Come Back on Any Day

When I'm in the middle of a fibro flare I pay close attention to what I can do to turn things around and bring me back to balance. Pain has been an issue all week, It's been a dull ache that spreads from my legs up to my back and I can't get comfortable, no matter what position I'm in. I spoke with my Lady Doc about it this week and we have increased my pain med (a supplement with nine different ingredients), but it's not helping yet. In the past I have tried fibro pain meds like Savella and Lyrica and my body just didn't tolerate them well. Luckily, this kind of nagging pain isn't a frequent visitor - fatigue is a bigger issue for me. But I have to say that this pain has been a real distraction. It's very difficult to ignore and put aside.

 

I've moved into action and have done everything I know how to do, to help me feel better - hot baths, a heating pad, stretching, and additional pain meds. I am eager to put this flare behind me because it is hard to sleep and rest with the pain gnawing at me and I need my sleep! I tend to minimize the pain I experience with fibro because it isn't every minute of every day, and I figure every woman my age has some kind of pain to deal with. But when I think about it, I do experience frequent pain that just plops down into whatever part of my body it feels like attacking. But the pain this week has been different and I believe was triggered from the long drive back and forth to bring my daughter back home, as well as the constant effort of taking care of her over the weekend.

 

I have to be patient as I wait out this latest siege. Fatigue gets me down and I have to work on my mental attitude to stay positive and optimistic. I have to do the same with physical pain. I must make sure not to let it get the best of me and to acknowledge that it is wearing me down and then act on building myself back up. I am frustrated with my condition and sometimes I feel like I take two steps forward and three steps back. I do not want to give my pain power over me. I understand that there are fibro sufferers who deal with more pain that I experience. I feel deep compassion for them and very much appreciate my pain-free days. My mind is wrapped around the idea that I can manage my symptoms and that my body will calm itself and this pain will subside.   

Day 189 - Truth or Fiction - Finding My Point of View

I have been blessed with the gift of curiosity. I love to learn about lots of things and I never tire of seeing the world though a child's eyes. Small things and large fascinate me. I can spend time gathering shells at the beach and remain fascinated by their beauty and imperfection. Or, I can read a novel set in another time and place and learn about the vastness of our world and its cultures. When I get on my computer I wander from one topic to another, satisfying my thirst for new and interesting tidbits of knowledge. I read just the other day that the QEII cruise ship travels six inches on a gallon of diesel fuel. Seriously? Who would have guessed. I love reading about health and wellness, religion and spirituality, science and politics.  I am a student of human nature and I never tire of the life stories of both common and uncommon folks.

 

As a seeker of knowledge, truth and understanding, it is easy to get pulled in multiple directions. There are multiple dimensions to our world and hugely different ways of explaining and dealing with our issues, beliefs, and realities. One man's truth is another's fiction. One person is adamant in their belief while another is equally adamant in an opposing view. We think truth is truth, but truth can be relative, and claims of truth oftentimes confusing. I mention this because I like to stay up to date on the research surrounding medical and wellness topics, especially in regard to fibro and fatigue. I'm thankful that I trust my Lady Doc because the information out there is downright confusing. The path to wellness is often boiled down to a single choice or behavior. One researcher says to drink whole milk because it is a perfect food. The next says eliminate dairy. One says substitute soy for red meat, the next says you need at least four ounces of high quality beef for optimal health. It's frustrating and confusing. 

 

So what's an information seeker to do? All I can come up with is that I do my best, with the information that makes the most sense to me. I am not radical in my approach to wellness, I choose to take a more measured response to the "truths" put before me. I try to put things in a context of my beliefs and test the truths I uncover, within that understanding. I have the gift of the internet and I can pose just about any question and get some kind of an answer. Even though the "answer" is provided, it doesn't make sense to blindly accept the information I uncover, as my truth. What I want to do is stay curious, and continue to make the most of the information and resources that are available to me. My goal is to make choices that support my health and wellness and to remain open to different points of view.

Day 188 - Seeing Progress - A Bad Day Instead of a Terrible One

Oh, whine, whine, whine. It's been one of those days and I am in no mood to be all sunshine and happiness. I have had a couple of days where my body was just screaming at me. Last night my whole body hurt and I was curled up on the couch wrapped in a heating pad, trying to take the edge off the pain. Then I was freezing cold all night because the heat went out again. My body does NOT like the cold! Not one bit. And it was a cold day yesterday, a cold night all night. The house didn't finally get warmed up until mid-morning and it took the rest of the day for my body to warm up. I don't feel like focusing on the positive and I don't feel like getting cleaned up and putting on my happy face today or making dinner. I just want to vent and complain.

 

Well, not really. What I really want is to feel better and I get frustrated when I have a bad day. Still, after all these years, a bad day ticks me off. I was talking with my Lady Doc today and we discussed the ways that I think I've improved over the past six months. What I do know is that today wasn't a terrible day - it was just a bad one. My off days used to be flat-out-sick-as-a-dog-no-energy-feeling-awful-not-able-to-lift-my-head-off-the-pilllow kind of a day. Not so today. Even though I didn't feel terrific, and spent the day on the couch, I made a healthy lunch, did a bit of work on the computer, did my doctor appointment (by phone) and got myself into a hot bath that finally warmed me up. I do feel somewhat better but my grumpiness hasn't gone away. Maybe a good night's sleep will turn that around.

 

Measuring my progress with fibro isn't an exact science. Some things are better, for sure. My blood work is showing real improvement, but I still feel like I have a way to go before I have my life back. Fatigue is still my biggest issue and I am also still concerned about my inability to have a regular schedule. My improvements are in the context of a reduced work schedule and social schedule, I'm still not exercising the way I want to or taking on projects that might be physically demanding. I am motivated to keep working on improvement and I am willing to continue to modify and adjust my schedule if it means I am getting better and stronger. If I give into a little whining every now and then, it won't stop my progress. I just have to make sure that I keep doing the right thing for my wellness, even though I'm being just a little bit grumpy about it.

Day 187 - Public Displays of Forgetfulness

Driving into work this morning, I saw a fire truck coming down the road in the opposite lane. There were no flashing lights, or blaring sirens and the truck was pretty much moving with traffic. It looked like the truck was going back to the station after a call, rather than heading to an emergency. As it drew closer, I noticed something moving behind the truck. At first I couldn't figure out what it was. After staring at it for a moment or so, I realized it was a fully extended fire hose that hung from the side of the truck to at least twenty to thirty feet behind it. The hose was trailing behind the truck with the nozzle bumping around, in a crazy dance, as it struck the pavement. The cars that followed, began swerving and moving strategically to avoid running over the wayward hose. It was an  unusual sight to say the least.

 

I laughed out loud. What struck me in that moment, was that it looked like something I would do! I imagined myself as the firefighter assigned to rolling up the fire hose after a call. I would have had every intention of doing my job, but something may have distracted me on the other side of the truck, opposite where the hose was hanging down. Out of sight, out of mind. I would have hopped onto the truck and gotten settled in my seat, totally unaware that the hose was left outstretched on the ground. As the fire truck drove down the highway, I would have wondered what that funny noise was and would have chalked it up to some imperfection in the road. When we pulled into the fire house and discovered the length of damaged hose, I would have been in shock, seeing the evidence of my forgetfulness and realizing with a sinking stomach, that the responsibility was mine and I totally forgot.

 

There is some strange comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one to forget to do something both important and obvious. I can be pretty hard on myself when I forget to do something or when something turns out badly because of my forgetfulness. I deal with daily reminders that I have to be more aware of my memory limitations - it's not that I don't want to do something, it's just that it doesn't get done. Most days it's things like a sour load of laundry in the washing machine that I forgot to shift over to the dryer or fully intending to make a phone call or making an appointment. Luckily, I have back-up for most of the essential things I'm responsible to remember. It's a necessary part of my support system and one that will keep me from a public display of forgetfulness like that fire hose announcing some poor fireman's goof-up.  

Day 186 - Love Heals

The first Valentine's Day I remember was in second grade. I recall that we all had a paper lunch bag taped to the front of our desk, decorated with hearts and waiting to be filled with little cards from our classmates. Even though we each gave a Valentine to every other student in the class, I still remember the feeling of excitement as I read each card in my bag. I remember how it felt to hold the stack of cards in my hands and to feel liked and accepted by the other kids in my class. I also remember going into town to pick out my box of cards at the local five and dime, and then addressing them to my friends. Even as a little kid, I could feel the power of even just a little bit of love.

 

I still enjoy Valentine's Day, and really, what could be sweeter? But I don't really need a date on the calendar to remind me how blessed I am to experience the love of my family and friends. And on the other side of that, I am blessed to have people in my life that I can shower with my love. Love just feels good, whether I'm giving it or on the receiving end. It can look like a glass of water in the middle of the night, a dance around the kitchen, time set aside to listen to a concern or a problem, or a party to celebrate a success or a milestone. The word love is a verb. It needs action to be expressed. 

 

So, today is all hearts and flowers, balloons, cards, and candy. Every place I've been today, I've seen evidence of the celebration, from the flowers from my hubby, to my daughter's windowsill with the cards all lined up in a row, to the treats on my desk at the office and the displays in every store. I like the reminder that love is important and I wish that the power of love would catch on in a more permanent way to heal disagreements, create connections, and promote understanding and compassion among us. And since I believe love heals, I know that I can have a rickety ole fibro body, but be totally whole, basking in the love I share with the dear ones in my life.

Day 185 - Being A Mom With Fibro - Love Gets us Through

When my older daughter was young, we used to take her to the roller rink every Saturday morning. She absolutely loved it and I did, too. Sometimes I skated and other times I watched, but it was part of our routine for a number of years. She made friends there and there was a group of ladies that would sit around and have coffee together while the kids did their thing. One Saturday I had a raging migraine. I was single at the time so I told my daughter she couldn't skate that week, because I had such a bad headache. I could see how disappointed she was by the look on her face. She said, "That's okay Mommy, I hope you feel better" and she walked slowly out of my bedroom. She was so sweet about it and handled the situation with such kindness that I got myself out of bed and told her that because she had been so good about hearing, "no" that I was changing my answer to "yes". We went skating.  

 

My girls are all grown up now and I've got my younger daughter home with me this weekend for a visit and after a long hard week it feels very difficult to meet her needs. My daughter (who lives in a group home) is an early riser which means I was up early, too. Yuck. My hubby was off taking the dog out for his weekend play time at the dog park so it was just me and my daughter. I struggle to get much of anything done early in the morning and my daughter is usually filled with a zillion questions and she needs help with just about everything she wants or needs to do. I did the good mom thing and soldiered through, once again. Next thing I knew, she was dozing on the couch. I stole some time getting things done around the house. Big mistake. By late morning I was in major crash mode and since she's been fighting a cold, we both decided to stretch out on the couch and rest a bit. Three hours later we both woke up. I felt like I'd been hit by a truck, but a quick shower and I was up again, ready to take on what came next. I think I've recovered from my crash.

 

Part of being a parent is making the sacrifice to take care of your child's needs, even if your own needs aren't being met. That's just life. The hardest part for me is just the sheer effort it takes to push back the fatigue and sick feeling I get when I need to crash. But I just can't crash if my daughter needs me. And since she needs me a lot when she's home, I have to plan carefully to make sure my hubby can pick up the slack and that I have some kind of a back-up plan if things are really going poorly for me. Emotionally I don't mind the sacrifices I make for my kids one little bit, but physically, I just can't do what I can't do. There have been times that I really don't know how I got through the day. But somehow, as a Mom, I do what I have to do. And somehow, all of us Moms find a way to be there for our kids. It may not be exactly the way we'd like it to be, but our kids know we love them and that's what matters the most.

Day 184 - I May Be Special, But Not Because I Have Fibro

 It's been a long full day, after a long full week and I am beat. But it's a good kind of tired. I accomplished a lot this week and I did it without any major health issues. I could deal with the little bits and pieces that came up and I feel ready to take on the rest of my weekend tomorrow. It's my hubby's birthday and we're having the whole family over, so it's going to be a great day. Today was spent pretty much on the road picking up my younger daughter from her group home. When we got to the area of Pennsylvania where she lives, we were surprised buy a snow storm that covered the roads and slowed down the return trip. All in all we managed it well, finished our day with a visit with my husband's sister and now I'm waiting for my daughter to settle down and go to sleep. It's late and I can't go to sleep until she does.

 

I like feeling an every-day, just- like-everyone-else kind of tired, that comes from effort and activity and accomplishment. I shouldn't expect not to be tired at the end of a full week like this because not everything is about living with fibro. Everyone feels exhausted in a way that goes beyond tired from time to time, People get headaches and body aches and have medical stuff that comes and goes, just like I do. I like to remember that I'm not unique in that regard. Actually it's nice to just forget about fibo and feel the way every other woman my age can feel.

 

It's really important to me not to get my identity all wrapped up in a medical condition. I am so much more than a medical diagnosis and I may be special, but not because I have fibro. I like when the fibro fades into the background and all the other important aspects of my life take center stage. I'm thinking that my three weeks away from the cold has paid off. Before Florida, this kind of a week would have put me flat on my back or I never would have made it through the week without a major crash. I did have a mini-crash yesterday morning, but I recovered and was able to get to work on the afternoon. That's pretty good. I've had a stressful week but I've had a normal response to it. Normal is good.

Day 183 - Letting Go and Moving On

I got home today and discovered that my dog had chewed the corner of a small book of wildlife pictures. None of the actual pictures were damaged, but I can't help thinking, as I look at the gnarled and damaged corner, that the book is ruined. Some things can take some banging around and other things just can't. I live with antiques and have a special love for ones that are old and show their age. I like the nicks and dings because they show the history of the piece and the fact that something doesn't need to be perfect to be beautiful. But not every piece I find fits into our home and I have to take a pass on it and find something with a better fit.

 

When I was moving, a few years back, I let go of a wonderful old piano that sat in my living room since my kids were little. It was a grand old piece, made in the 1890s. I hated to see it go, but it didn't fit in our new place. I wound up giving it to a young family who wanted to restore it to its original beauty and function. It wasn't something that worked in my life and I knew that if I let it go, it would find a new and better home than mine. None of us played the piano and I was more in love with the potential of that piece than I was its actual value to me. The family that took  it had a little girl, not yet two years old and the grandfather restored antiques. They were going to work slowly on the piece, fixing one thing at a time until it was fully restored and ready for music lessons when their daughter turned six, I felt wonderful knowing that the piano would reach its full potential in their home.

 

It's hard to know sometimes when it's okay to let something go. If it still has usefulness and its own kind of charm, it feels better to just pass it along so someone else can enjoy it. I can still love something in its imperfection, but know it's not for me. Life presents me situations that are fine for someone else, but they don't quite fit at this time, in this place, in my life. I can choose the situations I want to stay in and leave ones that don't fit anymore. Leaving isn't a judgement, its simply part of the ebb and flow of life that allows us to meet needs at different stages of our lives. Parting isn't easy, and it can create a wide range of feelings, but sometimes it is necessary. I have to be brave as I let things go and feel secure that my decisions are for the best.

Day 182 - Fibro is a Blip on My Timeline

Today I was on campus for a meeting and the faculty dining hall was full, so we went to the food court. I was amazed at the choices that are available for students at mealtime. For a single price, the students were allowed to eat whatever they wanted in whatever quantity they wanted. It looked to me like a recipe for disaster for anyone without a will of iron. Talk about packing on the freshman five. Eating those foods, in large quantities, for four years, could do real damage without careful planning and a bit of self-control.

 

Something else struck me, as well. Here were all these under twenty-ones, with their entire lives in front of them. They have a huge buffet of choices and possibilities available to them and they get to pick what suits them and what will help them to fulfill their dreams. Along with choice comes the sometimes heavy responsibility of making good decisions because their choices will shape their future. I felt a little nostalgic for the time when everything was in front of me and the top of my hourglass had all the sand. I thought about the decisions I had made and how they had shaped the life I am living.

 

I'm not a person with a ton of regrets. I look back at the time when I was finishing college and I think that I was just too young to be making such monumental decisions about my life. But that's what it means to grow up - to make my choices and then live with the consequence of what I choose. I am pleased with the direction my life has taken me. I love my life. I'm not young chronologically, but I am young in heart and spirit. I may not have my whole life in front of me the way I did when I was a kid, but the life I'm living feels whole and complete. Fibro is a blip on my timeline. It's a part of all the rest of who I am, what I do and how I relate to others. I am living my life with the same sense of hope and possibility as those young folks in the food court and I've got my own buffet of choices laid out in front of me.

Day 181 - Technology Helps to Keep Me Connected

Although I have been working the past few weeks, today was my first face-to-face day at work in a long time. I've been tele-commuting for the past few weeks. It was very comfortable to get back into the swing of things at our meeting today and get something accomplished while we're all in the same room. My team and I stay in pretty close touch. On some days we communicate multiple times, using multiple technologies, and we get a lot done. Each team member has other folks they are in touch with as well, and most of us don't see each other on a daily basis. Our team only meets once a month because of the logistics of where we each live, but the minute we see each other it's as if a moment hasn't passed. When we are in the swing of things, we are really connected and it doesn't take much to get a message across - in the same room, or not.

 

Did you ever notice how much can be said with a raised eyebrow, a sideways glance, a straight-on stare or the tilt of the head? It's amazing how much information we receive from one another through those subtle movements and how much we can lose when we're not in the same room as we communicate. It's not surprising that most email carriers provide a ton of "expression" icons. I don't know many people who really use them, but maybe it would be more helpful if we did. When I am using technology to communicate, it's helpful to pay closer attention to what I'm saying and how I'm saying it. I know that when I am reading an email or a text, it's possible for me to put my own slant on it through my tone of voice, or even which words I emphasize. Even on the phone when a message seems clear, every now and then, I have to take a step back and make sure I'm receiving what the other person intends to send.

 

In this age of technology, those of us who don't always have the energy to get out the door in the morning can still participate in our lives in meaningful ways through technology. I have done doctor appointments on the phone because getting to the office was impossible. I work with folks who live in different states and have best friends who I only see a few times a year. We stay connected through technology. It's true, that there may be something missing - I might read a short message as being abrupt and have my feeling ruffled or I might not get a joke because I don't see that half grin on the face of the person sharing it. It might be a bit harder to "read" the person I'm communicating with. But in the scheme of things, those possibilities aren't a big deal. The bottom line is that we need to stay connected, in whatever way works, for each of us as individuals.

Day 180 - A Banner Day - Half-way to Wellness?

It's a banner day. I'm six months into my one-year wellness plan and I'm still excited and seeing some progress. It is clear to me that in order to be well, I have to do, what I have to do - no short cuts, no waivering, just putting one foot in front of the next with faith, confidence and determination. I am paying attention to the many nuances of living a healthy lifestyle and I have come to accept this condition without succumbing to it. This is a true journey of body and soul and I have been blessed with a wonderful doctor, great friends and colleagues and of course, my loving and devoted family. I could not do this alone and I know, deep in my bones, that I don't have to. I am blessed.

 

So what has changed since I began my search for healing and wellness? I'm sleeping better - all through the night as a matter of fact, I still wake up slowly and mornings are not my best time, but I did notice that in the warmer weather I did better. I've lost my tummy weight which I attribute to the probiotics I take as part of my plan. It represents a solid two pound of weight I have not regained. My blood work is also revealing progress - better cortisol level, white blood count, improving thyroid levels and vitamin D as well. My pain is decreased and I have less stiffness in the morning when I get up. I have fewer major crash days - is that the warmer weather for the past three weeks or something more permanent? I don't know. My crashes aren't as deep and I don't feel as sick on a crash day.

 

What still needs to improve? My energy level is still compromised, but limiting my activity is helping. I'm pushing much less than I had been (but I'm still missing a fuller life). My thyroid levels still need to improve and with that, my energy will surely increase. I need to feel more rested when I wake up. Mornings are still a drag. My double vision still strikes when my eyes get the least bit fatigued. That's really frustrating. My migraines continue to strike at unexpected times and morning headaches are a particular problem. My brain fog still gets in the way of my thinking and my forgetfulness is just plain annoying. I have made numerous adjustments in the way I live my life and I am more healthy, overall, than I was six months ago. I have to believe that the fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue I live with are on their way to being managed. With each gain, I reach a new normal. My life is different that it was, in some ways better and richer and in other ways, well, let's just say living with fibro is no picnic.

Day 179 - Taking the Sting out of Stress, Anxiety and Worry

Whenever I have a tough decision to make, or I'm working through a difficult experience or situation, I want to do the right thing, at the right time, for the right reason. Those three conditions help me to frame my thinking and free me from excessive worry as I plan a course of action. Sometimes a little bit (or even a lot) of stress, worry or anxiety is unavoidable. We have these feelings because they are an appropriate response to situations that need our attention. When I feel the discomfort of stress in my body, or my mind is racing looking for a solution to a problem I'm experiencing, I know that I need to take action. When I avoid action or avoid creating a plan, it allows worry and anxiety to take hold and I can become focused on my problem, rather than on the solution. Feeling stress is my body's way of telling me that I am facing some kind of threat to my well-being - be it emotional or physical. Without that alerting mechanism, I might not act in a way that is in my own best interest.

 

I've had plenty of experience with stress in my life - and who hasn't? Many situations have been on-going and the stress was like a quiet buzz, always there, but after a while, it just becomes part of the landscape. I have lots of strategies for managing my stress and I use them. That "buzz" kind of stress responds well to quiet contemplation, a massage, writing it out, talking it through, taking a walk or even just a long hot bath. But every now and then I am faced with a situation that makes that quiet buzz a roar. I can feel the physical release of stress hormones pumping into my body. Those situations require immediate attention and a solid plan of action.

 

High stress situations are the alerting mechanism that calls for more than a just a few minutes relaxing with a cup of tea. They require me to jump into action, and I'm usually pretty good in a crisis. First I figure out the problem, then get a handle on what it means to me. Maybe I talk it over with a trusted friend or colleague, then I plan my course of action. Once I implement my plan I have to let go and let it play out without too much attachment to the outcome. That's the hardest part for me. I need to accept what is, and what isn't, in my realm of influence. I have anxiety and worry and stress, but what I don't need to do is let it control my thinking or my emotions. I have tools to set me free.

Day 178 - Fibro Merely Edits the Way I Do Things

Today is Super Bowl Sunday. Families around the country will gather around their big screen televisions and socialize, eat, and watch the game, cheering for their favorite team. I don't care much for sports on television, although I can usually find something to enjoy if I'm watching a game in person. I like to watch baseball, especially on a cool, summer evening and even football if it's a sunny, crisp fall afternoon. I like the sound of sneakers squeaking on the wood floor in a basketball game and the quiet serenity in walking the golf course, following a player (only did that once, but it was pretty cool). I've also watched ice hockey, lacrosse, tennis, boat races and soccer in person (among other sports). I guess it is kind of fun to be around lots of other people who are hanging around at a sporting event just looking to relax and have some fun.

 

Now that I am so acutely aware of my energy level and my physical limitations I don't usually choose to do things that aren't at the top of my list of what I enjoy. I still want to leave wiggle room to add new experiences, but I pretty much know what makes me happy and keeps me feeling my best. You won't EVER find me on a concrete bleacher in the middle of winter, out in the cold cheering for any team. That just isn't going to happen. What I do enjoy is a different kind of sport either as a participant or a spectator. While I was in Florida I had a wonderful afternoon on a small sailboat, watching the dolphins feeding and playing all around our boat. The air was mild, the sun was shining and the boat glided effortlessly across the water.That's the kind of spectator sport I can really get into.

 

It's important for me to remember that just because someone else enjoys something, that doesn't mean I have to enjoy it, too. Or participate, for that matter. It's okay that I don't want to spend my afternoons watching sports on TV. There are plenty of people who wouldn't want to spend their afternoons my way either. What's really nice is that having fibro doesn't define my likes and dislikes, it merely edits the way I will experience the things I love. I love being on a sailboat but that doesn't mean I have to control the sails. If I'm on a nature walk I can adjust the time I spend on my feet and take frequent breaks. I can be the second person in a two-seated kayak instead of paddling my own. And if I don't feel like watching or participating in a sport, I can rent a good movie at home and relax on the couch with my blanket instead of driving to a movie theatre and then sit in an uncomfortable seat. I can adapt in any way I need to, so that fibro doesn't define me.

Day 177 - Warm Air Therapy

Spending three weeks in Florida and getting away from the northeast winter was a brilliant idea. I just got back today. Each year my hubby and I attend a conference in January and I got the idea last year to stay on and then spend some time in the south where the winter months are a bit kinder. We did the conference then I stayed on for another two-plus weeks. The temperatures ranged from the mid-thirties at night to the mostly high-sixties in the afternoon. The last few days got into the low seventies and I was in heaven. Those mild temperatures are just what my body needs. Not too hot, not too cold - just perfectly right. My body didn't burn precious energy trying to stay warm and I could feel the difference.

 

Even though the weather was good, it didn't turn me into a picture of health. The first week was a series of migraines, mornings were still slow, I had double vision and some aches and pains. I also had a few rough days when I never got out of my jammies and I hung out on the couch. But overall, even though I wasn't one hundred per cent, it felt easier not to have to fight the cold, as well. My time was a mix of rest and productivity. Most mornings were slow and restful. I stayed in touch at work and some days work was quite busy. Other days I eased into an activity or two, typically mid-afternoon. I ate healthy (didn't even gain one single pound while I was away) and prepared simple meals at home. I had company - my hubby, my sister and then a friend. I also had a number of days alone and that was just fine with me. I was working on wellness from the inside out.

 

Even though I was away from home and someplace warmer I still kept pretty much to my one activity a day and that was helpful. If I stretched that out or tried to pile on too much in one day, I felt my energy begin to slip away, and that sick fibro-feeling came back. I am considering another trip south if this winter seems like it is going to hang on. Three weeks away was helpful, and I have a feeling another few weeks would be more so. But I say that knowing that there are plenty of people who already live in warmer climates and they are suffering with fibro, even being there. So here I am, back to winter, thankful for the respite. It did me good. I can't explain exactly how, but I knew it for sure the moment I walked out of the airport into the New Jersey winter air and I felt the cold just settle back into my bones.  

 

Day 176 - Sometimes a Piece of Pie is All I Need

Some days just call for a big ole piece of Key Lime Pie. I put the name in capital letters because that kind of yummy, delicious pie deserves to be honored. Some days call for chocolate, others for ice cream. Some days I crave something sweet and because I am typically good about choosing healthy foods, I go for the gooey stuff when the mood strikes me. Today, the sweetness plus a little bit of tartness of my pie fit the bill. There is nothing like a nice cup of coffee and a dessert, shared with my hubby or a friend. Wellness comes in many packages and a package with calories, sugar and fat can still be part of an overall plan for being well, as long as I don't overdo it.

Today was a pretty good day, with a couple of bumps. Nothing that some relaxation and a different focus couldn't cure. That's where the pie comes in. Desserts are a great way to punctuate a good meal, or smooth away the remainders of a day that wasn't so perfect. I believe in healthy, but I also believe in fun and a treat every now and then. I know that I make good choices that nourish my body and keep it strong. I also have to feed my soul and I do that with nature, music, art and other things that make me happy. Who says a piece of pie can't feed my soul?

So, my pie is half finished and it is gooo-oood. I am eating it slowly, in very little bites so it will last longer. I haven't made my cup of tea, but that's next. I took a break in the middle of my blogging to stop and enjoy it. I couldn't possibly eat it while I'm writing - it deserves my full attention. I'll sit and finish it when this is done. I love enjoying the little things in life and finding what will make my day just a little bit better. One day it's pie, on another day it's something else that catches my fancy. I like to turn around the things that happen in my day that don't make me feel so great. I have been working all afternoon on shaking off the not-so-great part of my day and I think, for now, it's better. Tomorrow, with its own wrinkles and bumps will be here soon enough, and I can deal with it then. Until then, my piece of pie has done its work.

Day 175 - A High Tolerance for All Kinds of Pain.

Today was a really big "ah-ha" day for me. I was talking with a friend and I realized that once again, I find myself in the middle of a complicated situation that I have let go on for far too long. One of the patterns that has emerged in my life is that I stay in situations far longer than other folks would tolerate. I've done it in relationships, marriage, friendships and jobs. I don't allow myself to quit or walk away until a situation becomes so intolerable it just forbids me from staying. I don't seem to have that emotional switch that says you don't have to tolerate this chaos, pain and confusion any longer.

 

This is a huge lesson for me in creating healthy boundaries and honoring myself in a way that is both self-protective and nurturing. This is a really big deal in my emotional and spiritual growth and I am sure it has implications for my overall health and well-being. These unresolved situations create an on-going, unrelenting stress that just erodes my energy without my being consciously aware of it. I have taken time away to get my head cleared on some things and as I reach the last day or two of my retreat, I feel empowered to move ahead. I feel a little nervous about my plan because I am staking the claim to my own well-being. What gives me confidence and the motivation to move forward is that I am working from truth.

 

Those of us who grew up in highly dysfunctional families know what it means to take care of everyone else before you give yourself permission to take care of yourself. We know how hard it is not to see yourself as a caregiver and the rescuer - the one person who holds it all together at the expense of our own emotional well-being. I have worked on those issues all of my life and I still find situations where I can go deeper to reclaim myself and not give myself over to playing a part in a dysfunctional situation. These are tough lessons, but I am strong enough to learn them and to deal with whatever fallout they create. I need to affirm that I am smart, strong, capable, insightful and compassionate, even as I work through a messy situation. I am no less important than any other individual and I do not need to sacrifice my well-being for anyone else.

Day 174 - Embracing My Imperfection

I love being a parent to my daughters. I love that I am close to my girls and I love watching them grow up and be happy and strong young women. We talk and share the little bits and pieces of our days and we feel connected and supportive of each other. As I watch my daughters find their place in the world, I feel proud of them and the fact that they are confident and successful, each in their own way. When I talk with them about what's going on in their lives I can hear in their voices that they are headed in the right direction. I feel so proud that they are loving and caring, honest and generous, and that they have loving relationships outside of our family that they maintain and nurture. They are perfectly imperfect.

 

I don't think it's easy to be a women in many cultures, and we have our share of difficulties here. One of the things that I keep bumping up against are the expectations of women as mothers, spouses, daughters and in the workplace. It's incredibly difficult to live up to the standards our culture expresses and expects us to reach. We're supposed to look like Hollywood, cook like a chef, mother like a saint, work like a dog and be as sexy as, well, you can imagine. How silly to think that any one woman could possibly meet all of those unrealistic standards. It can be quite overwhelming under the best of circumstances. Add a chronic condition to the mix and it all seems to becomes unattainable.

 

When I think about those perfectionist standards I could feel discouraged or disappointed in myself, or have the fear that others are disappointed in me. Instead, I am working on taking a step back and I focusing on the fact that I am putting forth my best effort. I am well-intentioned and when I make a commitment, I have every intention of following through. If I fall short, after giving my best effort, I can reflect and learn rather than beat myself up by judging myself harshly. I am spending a lot of time during this year of recovery focusing on letting myself off the hook. I have spent a good part of my life trying to please others and to live up to some imaginary standard of what it meant to be a good wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend and worker. I believe in excellence, not perfection, I believe in success, but not at the expense of relationships. I believe in working toward wholeness and peace. One of the gifts of my recovery is fully embracing my imperfection and realizing that missing the mark, making mistakes and sometimes not being my best are simply a part of being human. 

Day 173 - A Divine Appointment and a Street Corner

This afternoon I drove to the airport to pick up a friend. On my way I had the opportunity to help someone out who was in need. It doesn't matter what I did, but it sure made him happy and as a result I felt happy, too. I was alone in my car but I could feel a big smile creep across my face and I felt lighter and as if I was meant to be in that spot in that particular moment in time. As I headed for the airport, my GPS had me making turns off the side of a bridge and directed me to exits and entrances on the highway that didn't exist. I was totally turned around and really had no idea where I was, except in that moment I was in the exact right place. I didn't need to be at that corner to get to the airport, but there I was, and it felt like a divine appointment.

 

As I look back in my life there have been countless times when something wonderful has come from a  wrong turn, a missed appointment, or an accidental meeting. It could even have been the timing of something that changed, but things turned out even better than they would have at an earlier point in time. I believe we all have those moments (some of them life-changing) when we run into someone who becomes an influence in our lives. We may not plan it - but it sure seems like it was planned on some level. It doesn't have to be a big deal - it can be as simple as having a conversation with a stranger who just happens to have a bit of information I've been seeking and then there they are. Or it can be as big as meeting the right person at the right time and it turning into a significant life event. What I love, is that I never know when it will happen.

 

I came across my Lady Doc in that kind of a way. I was looking at information about ridged fingernails, which led to a questionnaire, which led to a fibro center and then to a great relationship with a wonderful doctor. It's wonderful to receive that kind gift. But I like to feel like I can be the gift to someone else, that I can be the one that creates the divine appointment with my choices and actions and that I can live my life in a way that is open to both receiving and giving. Today felt special not because I got something but because I gave something. It was not required or expected. It was not my job to do it, but I had the feeling that it was my responsibility in that moment to be an instrument of healing. I felt blessed not because the man offered his blessings, in thanks, but because I have been given so much and it feels just wonderful to give back.