My elementary school was probably less than a mile from home, but it was still a good, long walk home after school. My siblings and I walked it nearly every day and usually with friends from the neighborhood, or buddies we picked up along the route. We always walked the same way, down the same streets and you could probably set a watch by the time we walked by a certain house, or intersection. As we approached my street I had to turn a corner to get to my house and as soon as I got around the turn I could see the house in plain view. It was right in the middle of the row of houses on the block. It looked benign from the outside and pretty much like every other house on the street. Such predictability - the walk, the friends, the time it took, the cookie-cutter houses all in a row.
But that's where the predictability came to a screeching halt. I never knew when I walked through the front door what kind of greeting would await me once I got inside. Would it be a friendly hello, silence, a dark room, anger, rage or a combination of things that made me know it wasn't going to be a very good day? I had a mother that was pretty volatile and she was the kind of person who could act as sweet as pie one minute or mean as a badger the next. If she got onto something she wouldn't let it go and if I messed up there was hell to pay. During the day, while I was at school, she might discover something I had done wrong and she'd stew about it all day until I got home. I'd walk in the door and POW I'd catch her wrath. Or, she may have had a really good day and she'd be all smiles and encouraging us to have friends over. I just never knew when she would explode or be happy and I think I spent my childhood watching for some sign of what might happen next.
Psychologists call that hyper-vigilance. It's like you're at a scary movie and sitting at the edge of your seat. Nothing bad is happening yet, but you know it's coming and you want to be ready, just in case. Growing up that way took a lot of energy and I was a pretty sickly kid. I was also very tiny and skinny. It was like I didn't dare take up too much space in the world, or maybe I decided unconsciously that I better stay small so I might go unnoticed. But then again, I always had a big mouth so there goes that theory. Who knows. I just know I had many illnesses as a kid. It got particularly bad in college when I was holding down a job and trying to balance academics, a social life, and the challenges of still living at home.
I have to watch out for those hyper-vigilant behaviors that can suck the energy right out of me. I am safe and among people who love, respect, and nurture me and I affirm that every day. I'm not a kid any more, but I can still read a person's expression and get a real sense of where their mood is heading. I know this is true because of the way I manage that, if I feel discomfort. I ask. Once I know what I'm dealing with, I'm fine. Even now, I don't want any surprises. My life is filled with lots of potential energy drains and it's up to me to manage them so my energy can be spent in ways that are pleasing to me. I am empowered when I understand my behaviors and choose those that serve my wellness rather than stuff I don't need to pay attention to any more.
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