Monday, August 30, 2010

Day 19 - Angry Makes Me Tired

Arguments are not fun and they do not make people feel better about themselves or each other when they are in the middle of a battle. Fighting to the death over little things can mean the death of a relationship. Proving how right you are can put you in the position of being right all by yourself. That's not much fun either. We all find ourselves in a tussle now and then and in some ways it's healthy to address issues when they arise. When we deal with the little things in a healthy way, we clear the air and leave room for more and better communication.

There's a difference though when you have to deal with an angry person. That's someone who seems to live their life looking for a way to be offended. I come across some of those folks in my life and they suck the joy and energy right out of me. I know one person who blames everyone else for their problems. Another person just whacks away at people until they cry uncle, another does the silent treatment, another gets all snappy and self-righteous. Most of those people spend a lot more time taking than they do listening (well, except for the one that goes silent). And, you know what? Not everything has to turn into an argument!

 A few people I know do 'ticked off" pretty well - they say what they have to say in an honest and direct way and then look to have a conversation to resolve the issue. It still takes effort with those folks to get things resolved, but it's a good energy that doesn't leave others so hurt and wounded. I continue to look for ways to express myself in a healthy way when I am in conflict with another. It's not easy when emotions are high, but I do my best to get to the point and not annihilate the other person in the process. Dealing with anger is part of life and we who have limited energy do well to steer clear of people who get satisfaction out of being angry. It's important to do our own emotional homework to make sure we can address issues with friends, co-workers and loved ones honestly, directly and without depleting our reserves.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Day 18 - The Sun'll Come Out To-morrow

For many years I was an unshakeable optimist. The glass was half full and getting fuller. Problems were seen in light of possible solutions and I believed everything happened for a purpose. I still like to think in possibilities and like to look for resolution to the challenges I face. In an article I came across a while back it described a strategy called strategic pessimism. It allows for us optimists to think about worst case scenarios, get a grip on the possibility that things could go south, and then muster up the strength, determination, and strategy to deal with it.


Why is it good for me to allow myself just a bit of pessimism? Well, not every problem has a visible silver lining. Maybe solutions are very long term and there won't be much of a light at the end of the tunnel. Or maybe, just maybe, the situation really stinks and I just need to wallow a bit. Every now and then a good pity party is in order - but it needs to be quick, done with gusto, and then put behind me.


Whether I'm focusing on the positive, or dipping into the negative, what I believe is that no one escapes sadness, upheaval and a bit of drama. But that's okay - it's simply part of the human drama. Those challenges makes us stronger when we strategize our way through them and when we break the biggest challenges into smaller manageable tasks, we can get through the day, then look forward to a better day tomorrow.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Day 17 - Little Things Mean a Lot

There are many simple pleasures that can add something special to my day. It's part of my self care to find those things and remember to use them when I want a little pick-me-up. When I want a treat - it's chocolate with nuts. Stressful day - a long hot bath. Feeling moody - give me some 60s music to pick me up. Lonely - a date with the hubby turns it around. Feeling house bound - a visit with my daughter and the grandbabies does the trick.

When I do little self care things as part of my day, it makes a difference. I like to have some of my favorite "go to" foods in the fridge. That helps me to make healthy choices in an instant. Every season I give away any clothes that I don't wear anymore so my closet is filled with REAL choices and I'm less likely to stand in front of the mirror with such a critical eye.  My car has a GPS so I'm not stressed out when I have to travel in an unfamiliar town. I have abbreviated my work schedule to minimize the days I call in sick. (OK, that's a big one, but it really does help)! I have sites saved on my computer that are just for fun and they give me something to do when I'm stuck on the couch.
 
When I take care of myself it lets my loved ones off the hook. It's not their responsibility to be in charge of my well-being. I have to do that for myself. I love that we are all on the same team - but the truth is that this is my journey. They understand as much as they can but I can't make them more responsible for my wellness than I am. So I make sure to do for myself whatever I can and respectfully and gratefully ask for help when I need it. If I take care of the little things I know they'll be there for me with the big ones.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Day 16 - Lost Days

The greatest benefit of wellness is the ability to enjoy life - and there is so much to enjoy! If I'm having a good day, everything I experience holds the potential to be rewarding and satisfying. Something as simple as doing the laundry makes me feel productive. A trip to the grocery store is a time to anticipate a good meal with friends or loved ones. Work becomes exciting and I am filled with a sense of purpose and accomplishment. Watering the garden is an opportunity to be outside and to nurture nature. Time with loved ones is fun and filled with energy and pleasure. When I feel healthy and strong, life is good!

On bad days it really is the complete opposite. Every task seems overwhelming and impossible to accomplish. I look at what needs to be done and I feel a mix of frustration, guilt and despair. The simplest of tasks is as impossible as the greatest. I can't get myself going and I find myself starting and stopping lots of different things looking for the one task that I can manage. It's so easy to be totally discouraged on those days because I can barely move off the couch. I call those days my "lost days". I feel like I might as well just strike the day from the calendar because nothing of any substance has happened.

I want to eliminate those kinds of days from my life. I don't mind having a bad day every now and then where not much gets done - we all have those. I want the level of wellness that assures me that if I have things on my "to do" list I can choose to do them or not. But it won't be bad health that decides it for me. I want to work hard and play hard - not hardly work and rarely play. I want the ability to enjoy life back again! I know that's a tall order - but I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get me there.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Day 15 - It's Complicated, Or Not

"It's Complicated." I love that movie title because it really does sum up most situations. We are a culture that seems to look for one sentence answers and tiny media bytes to describe amazingly complex people and events. I think I do better when I embrace the complexities of life without making things too complicated. In life, answers don't always come easily and solutions to problems typically happen over time, rather than in an instant. We don't have the luxury of dealing with just one issue at a time. All kinds of things are swirling around us at the same time, each demanding some level of attention.

So, how do we manage to build relationships, see progress at work, contribute as citizens, stay healthy and grow into the best version of ourselves? That's a big question and certainly one that doesn't have a single, simple answer. But therein lies a possibility. Sometimes it's best to just sit with the question and not force an answer. Letting something percolate is a wonderful and effortless way to come up with a response. It's a way to honor the complexity without making a big deal out of it. It's especially true for those of us looking for ways to conserve energy. Sometimes when I let something go, just for a while, something will pop into my head that leads me to a solution or the beginning of an answer to my question.

Being well and staying well is a complex process and for sure there isn't just one strategy for feeling my best. If I want to cut through the complexity in a healthful way and make a decision in a moment, I can reduce my choices to a yes or no response with a simple question. Does this choice promote my health and well-being? If the answer is yes, I go full steam ahead. If it's a no, well then, it's complicated.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Day 14 - Finding My Rhythm

My younger daughter once attended a school program where they didn't use the word schedule to describe the daily sequence of activities. Instead they called it the "rhythm of the day". I really like that because it seems to be a more gentle way to talk about the movement from one thing to the next. It's also a very organic kind of word - nature is filled with rhythms - like the ocean and its tides. In a single day we have different rhythms - in the morning there's a crisp rhythm that propels us into the day but in the evening it slows down as the sky darkens, the birds quiet and we ready ourselves for rest and renewal.

It's important that we find our pace and look for ways to establish a rhythm to our days. It may be in some small ways, like getting ready for getting OUT of bed the way we get ready to get INTO it! At night we have set rituals that signal our bodies that it's time to let go and fall into sleep. In the morning our bodies may need the same kind of pacing. If I jump up out of bed because the phone rings or the dog starts barking at someone near the door, my body is jarred into its awakening. On the other hand, if I give myself some time to wake up gently and slowly I feel better.

My practice these days involves leaving myself some time to wake up before my feet touch the floor in the morning. During that time I stretch my muscles to get the blood flowing, I set my intentions for the day and I count my blessings. I have also started to write each morning. During my writing time I reflect on the day before and think about something that helped me to feel better, something I learned, or something I need to pay attention to. Those insights will support my commitment to wellness and my new morning rhythm is helping my body to feel a bit more refreshed and energized. I am ready to face my day!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Day 13 - A Change in Plans

When my daughter was in high school she and her friends were on the phone a dozen times before they finalized their plans. Then, once they all got together something better seemed to come up and plans were changed again. It made my head spin keeping track of where she was and what she was doing. Part of me celebrated her sense of freedom and independence but at the same time I was trying to be a responsible parent. She had boundless energy and her change of plans was because there was so much fun to be had.

I feel like I have become the "Queen of Changed Plans", but not in that good way. Whatever I plan or choose to do depends on my body cooperating. We have all had a time or two that illness changed our plans, but fibro is different. It seems that within just one day I have to adjust what I can or cannot do according to how I'm feeling. I'll plan to stop at the store on the way home from work, but then get in the car and feel like I barely have enough energy to drive home. I'll plan to pay bills, but my double vision makes it impossible to concentrate. My hubby and I will plan to go out for dinner, but my energy is low so we stay in, once again. I make plans with friends and I back out because I'm fighting yet another migraine. It gets very frustrating and I have disappointed myself and others more times than I can count.

If there is one thing I know for certain, it's that I still need to make plans. I need to get out and about, I need to get tasks accomplished and I need to keep myself socially and emotionally connected. I rely on my computer to keep me in the conversation when I don't feel like talking. I make the most of time I have with friends by not spending it listing all my symptoms and complaints. I listen to what's important in what others have to say. In my own way, I show up and that's all I can ask of myself. I may need to change the plan from getting together to chatting on the phone or instead of a nice dinner out, takeout from a favorite restaurant, in. What I won't do is isolate myself and define my life around fibro. The plans may change, but I'm still making them.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Day 12 - Borrowed Energy

There are people in my life that just pump me up. When I'm with them I can feel a difference in my energy level and my overall sense of well-being. I have one friend who tells me straight out - when you are down on your energy - you can borrow some of mine. And I do! In every part of my life I have those dear and wonderful people and I count my blessings every day for their presence and for the gift of their lightness and uplifting perspective on all manner of things.

It's not just people, though that give me an extra boost of energy - music from my growing up years, my spiritual reading and practice, a place in nature or in the excitement of being in a big city do it for me. All through my day I look for opportunities to feel better by focusing on the good stuff that goes on all around me. Too much radio or TV news gets me down and I feel like I have to drag myself through all that muck and it just isn't good for me. I start my day with upbeat and happy music rather than a list of all the terrible things going on in the world. I like to stay informed, but a little bit of that stuff goes a long way!

Whenever I borrow something I know I have to give it back. So when I am out and about I do my best to share a positive word or a smile. When I have a short and positive exchange with someone I might be giving them a needed little boost and it sure feels good to me. On my worst days there isn't much energy for me to share. On those days I certainly still look for ways to get more energized and I need to have those strategies in place to make my day a little better. So the bottom line for me is that each day we have opportunities to take a little energy when we need it and give a little energy when we can. In the end we all get a boost!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Day 11 - Make Keeping it Simple, Simple

I opened my email and found a title, "21 Steps to Stop Procrastination" in the inbox. Twenty-one steps? Whoa, now - that's way too many! Anything that takes me 21 steps to complete is just not going to happen. My motto these days is, keep it simple. I notice that on some days a task that requires a lot of detail thinking gets pushed to the back burner. There are times when I can zip right on through that kind of task, and other days I stare at the task or project and I just don't have the energy to get it started, let alone completed. That's my kind of procrastination.

Keeping it simple isn't all that simple. In some areas of my life I've got it down, but in others, I'm still in the beginning stages. I have my local grocery store deliver big orders when we need them, I have bills set up to be paid online, I use my local stores instead of struggling through a trip to the mall, and I shop through catalogs as much as I can. Those things conserve my energy and keep life a bit more manageable.

One area that still needs work is my ability to say, "No". Geez, that's a hard one for me because I love to be helpful and it really is part of my identity to be a supportive person. But, my "yesses" can really pile up. Then, before you know it, I'm into energy drain and those tasks that would be easily done when I am energized, get neglected. Part of keeping things simple is knowing my strengths and limitations. But even more so, I need to prioritize how I want to spend my energy on what must be accomplished. Part of keeping things simple, for me, is to not let things get complicated - deal with stuff before it bumps up against a deadline and I feel pressured, ask for help when I need it, say no when I have to and an enthusastic YES when it makes sense to make that commitment. Simple gets things done without stress or drama. I don't need 21 steps to figure that one out.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Day 10 - Beware! Nice Lady Acting Grumpy

I went to the nursing home yesterday to visit my mother and my brother. I was in the elevator taking my brother downstairs for a coke. A family of three was waiting to get on the elevator and they were not a happy bunch! When the wife rolled the husband into the elevator she banged the wheelchair against the elevator frame. He snapped at her, the son snapped at him for snapping at her and then the son gave it to his mother for forgetting to pick up the insurance card that she left on the windowsill back in the dad's room. It was an uncomfortable few minutes, but I laughed to myself when I saw this adult son was wearing a hat with a stylized picture of Grumpy, the Disney Character. I kind of giggled and said, "I like your hat." The mom said, "We could all use one of those". I agree.

I could relate to the grumpiness and frustration of each family member. The dad, because he was not feeling well and didn't like his wife having to push him around in a wheelchair. I could relate to the mom who has to not only cope with her own caregiver issues, but whatever else she has going on and the son because he is dealing with aging parents and they are sniping at each other. Wow, all that grumpiness and sadness all rolled into that one little elevator. But really, wouldn't it be nice to have a hat to wear that warns our loved ones when we are grumpy and snippy and not feeling like our best selves?

I could have used one this morning. I woke up stiff, in pain, grumpy, tired and definitely not ready to communicate in any way close to civil. I need some time when I wake up to gather myself together and when the day starts with an issue before I can even get out of bed, it's just not good. I wish I could say I was always an image of sweetness and light, that I was always cheery and in good spirits, or that I was perpetually positive and in a good mood. But I'm not. I do make an effort to be warm and kind in my dealings with people who are close to me as well as everyone else who crosses my path during the day. But sometimes it just isn't in me. So maybe I'll get that hat, or use some kind of signal that warns people to proceed with caution. It will say that this lady, who is usually fun and nice, is feeling grumpy, frustrated, edgy, tired, discouraged, frightened, overwhelmed or stressed out. Come back later and I will be back to my better self and we will both feel better about our time together. I'll take off the "Grumpy" hat and replace it with one that says "Happy".

Friday, August 20, 2010

Day 9 - Short Circuits and Other Distractions

I am a hormonal, right-brained, abstract person. That means I'm better at big picture thinking that's creative and open-ended than I am with organization, logical or linear thinking and details are not my strong suit. Add in fibro and forget it! I don't remember $*#! Most of the time I just brush it off and work around it. I know my strengths and I use them to manage the areas that are not so strong. I believe that we all keep learning and I am better at managing the details of life than I used to be. The problem is in conversations and in-the-moment thinking. Sometimes I get so far off it's embarrassing.

I remember one time when we were going to visit a place called Shelter Island. I looked at the map and said, "We have to cross two bridges and then we'll be there." We crossed a bridge and were in a little town. The post office said, Shelter Island, the fire station said, Shelter Island, and my hubby kept asking aren't we there yet? I said, "No, we have to cross another bridge". Now I need to remind you that I had been to Shelter Island many times before this and I have a terrific visual memory. But my brain got locked on the idea of those two bridges and literally would not process the new information. We finally got to the ferry - there was no second bridge and we left Shelter Island without me knowing we were there.

That instance of faulty thinking was more than frightening. I could not think my way out of the situation. There was evidence all around me that just wouldn't register. I was mortified, but luckily my husband is a gentle soul and he let me off the hook without making me feel like more of a jerk than I already did. But, that's the story of fibro-fog. When it hits I can't think clearly. Words get lost and sometimes, like on Shelter Island, my brain shifts me to a context and then nothing that's going on makes sense to me - but I don't know it until I shift back again. As for losing a word in conversation, friends say, "Oh that happens to me, too" and I know part of it is just run-of-the-mill brain burps. But for me, it's more. Even when I type - I start out typing one word and my brain shifts and it changes the word I'm typing so I wind up with randomly placed words throughout my documents. Believe me, my edits are frequent and I sometimes get a chuckle out of my brain's creativity!

But I want to choose when I am being creative and being clueless is not high on my list of ways I would like to be perceived. On my bad days I limit communication because it feels so energy draining because my words don't flow. When fibro-fog rolls in, nothing seems clear or easy to manage. Anything that has to do with details must wait for another day. This year I will explore strategies to relieve that kind of fuzzy thinking and I look forward to the day when the fog lifts and clarity returns.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Day 8 - Laughter is the Best Medicine

One week ago today was my very first visit to my new Lady Doc and I have followed her instructions to a "T". She gave me a bunch of new supplements to add to the medicines I already take, but there's one med she can't prescribe - it's one I have to find on my own. Laughter. Yes, laughter may very well be the best medicine. Vitamin B doesn't make me see the funny side of life. Ribose and malic acid can't help me to lighten up. Pain meds don't tickle my funny bone and last I knew, vitamin D doesn't give me the giggles. When I'm laughing, I am fully in the moment and I feel lighter, happier and more alive.

I had a great day at work today. I left the house feeling terrible and throughout the day I was fighting fatigue and mental tiredness. My team is comprised of individuals who could make drying paint seem funny. Their way of looking at things keeps me alert and engaged and I never know when something will be said that will send us off into gales of laughter. At one meeting we were all laughing so hard we just put our heads down on the table because we couldn't even breathe. Every time we looked at each other the laughter just started all over again. Together, we delight in the smallest of things and we share a sense of happiness and contentment that renews us, encourages us and bonds us together. We have long standing jokes, things we tease about, funny memories and a shared perspective on life that keeps us from sweating too much of the small stuff.

This fibro battle is no joke. It's nothing to laugh about and it takes a terrible toll on the lives of folks who deal with it every day. But what I know, deep in my soul, is that when I laugh with others I am connected, I am in the moment and I am enjoying life. Friends and loved ones who laugh with me are part of my healing and they are partners on my path to wellness. A good giggle is a dose of medicine with only positive side effects. A good laugh makes my my eyes sparkle and my skin take on a healthful glow. This year I want to surround myself with that kind of medicine. My Lady Doc can take care of the rest.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Day 7 - Gratitude, Appreciation and Thankfulness


A few years ago I kept a gratitude journal - I think I was inspired by an Oprah show. I loved looking for those moments in my day that made me grateful to be alive and well-loved. It wasn't hard to create a list. I have so much to be thankful for. You wouldn't think that something like a chronic condition that's a real pain in the butt could be a blessing and I'm not going to pretend that I think it is. But there have been moments on this journey that deeply touch my heart and for that I am very grateful, appreciative and thankful.

Sometimes I like to do "big picture " thinking. One way to look at this fibro thing is that because I am not feeling well, it gives someone else an opportunity to be caring and supportive. When I feel needy it gives someone else the chance to be needed. I am a fiercely independent woman and DO NOT like to ask for help. Well, living with fibro tests that independence and I must reach out to others so that I can be more healthyl. At work, at home, or even when I'm out and about, people always seem so willing to help. As long as I am not taking advantage or asking too much, it creates an opportunity for them to feel important and essential. And I'm not always the taker. I am sensitive to those that ask for my help or support and I give that willingly, happy for the chance to feel vital and necessary.

It is important to say thank you, to show my appreciation and let any person helping me know that it was not taken for granted. So, the big and little things like my hubby bringing home the kind of juice I like, or my daughter checking in on me, are sources of gratitude. I am appreciative of a phone call from my sister or a friend to just catch up, or the folks at work taking on challenges that I used to manage myself. I am so grateful that there is a grocery store near me that DELIVERS! and the driver carries my stuff right to the kitchen. Believe me - that deserves to be written on my gratitude list. I can be thankful for it all, and in those moments of gratitude forget the fibro pain and tiredness and just be deliriously happy to be alive.

Day 6 - Bring it On!

Today was a better day than most. I was slow getting my energy flowing, but by eleven or so I was ready to take on the day. It was fun to get myself to work and do a good job. I worked three and a half hours then helped my daughter by watching her little one. I'm careful with my energy around him and take frequent energy breaks - like suggesting we read a book or two so I can sit for a few minutes. If he's busy playing I will sit on the sidelines and rest.. Those few minutes here and there help me deal with the boundless energy of a three year old. When he says, "Can I jump on you?" I laugh and say - maybe another time." We're good buddies and I don't think he notices my dips in energy. I love to be there for him. But boy do I feel it for the rest of the day.

I long for the days when I could do what I wanted when I wanted to do it - a long walk in the woods - no problem. A day at the beach battling the waves - bring it on! Challenging work with gifted educators - of course. A day wandering through shops and a girlfriend lunch - divine. Today I am writing this on my laptop, in bed. It's another slow start but I have to be in the office in just another hour and a half. I'll get myself together and put on my happy face. My motto - fake it 'til you make it. Act as if you're okay and maybe your body will be tricked into another good day! In my mind I'm still that person who was fully engaged in the activities of life. Right now, my engagement is limited. It will be better. It is my choice to do everything I can to make it so. Bring THAT on!

Monday, August 16, 2010

Day 5 - All Kinds of Energy


There are days that I can be creative, even if I'm feeling slow and other days that I can walk the dog but have a hard time paying bills. There are some days that concentrating at work just leaves me drained all over with nothing left in me except a flop on the couch. It seems that I really do have different kinds of energy and the way I spend my energy either gives me more or takes some away.

People talk about stress management but they rarely talk about energy management. I once did some therapy that taught me "energy conservation" strategies around the house and for every day tasks. The theory was that all the little expenditures of energy throughout the day have an impact on your overall well-being. I liked that. But what it didn't include were strategies for conserving other kinds of energy - like emotional, cognitive, creative or social energy.

One of my big lessons this year will be to identify and then manage the kind of energy that fulfills,inspires and strengthens me and identify those that drain or deplete me. Taking care of ME has often been low on my list of priorities. I seem to have time and energy for others and then run out of steam when it comes to myself. Not any more! This year I will focus on what I need before I can consider what someone else wants from me. I won't do it in a selfish way, I will try to be sensitive to the fact that others have seen me respond in a certain way and that may be changing. So be it. I am no good to others if I'm no good to myself. This is a life-long lesson and one I work on a lot - so now it's time to get to it. There are 360 days left on this path and I will use them and my energy wisely!

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Day 4 - Double Trouble

I love to read and I've lost count of the number of books I've read. I used to have a few books going at one time - one for work, one for spiritual growth, and probably another just for fun and I've always devoured magazines. Reading has been a joy since I was a little girl when I loved the long version of Pinocchio and was proud of myself when I could finish it in a day. As I got older it was Nancy Drew and regular trips to the local library. A friend once said that I would probably read the labels on underwear and cereal boxes if nothing else was available. (Billboards are another quick read)!

I remember a billboard ad from back in the old days that said, "double your pleasure, double your fun". I trust they were not talking about vision! (I think it was gum) Anyway, one of the biggest challenges I face is having multiple episodes of double vision each day. I woke up this morning and when I finally got myself out of bed it was back again - just like it is many mornings. It's tough to feel awake, alert and ready to start the day when your eyes just won't focus. I wear prisms for close up but they don't always work and they don't work for distance. It's a real source of frustration. I don't read like I used to and that's a real quality of life issue for me.

I tell people fibro isn't a life threatening illness - it's a lifestyle threatening illness. Whether it's double vision, fatigue, aches and pains or a dozen other symptoms that come and go - our lives change because we are in this battle. Another goal this year is to see clearly - and that's on many levels. Clarity in thought and purpose are necessary to meet my goal. I intend to keep "watching" my progress this year to "see" how far it can take me. Along the way, my double trouble with be replaced with a singular focus on wellness.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Day 3 - Sleep, Sleep, Sleep

I remember being a little kid trying to fall asleep on a summer night. The frogs, crickets and cicadas were the backdrop as I tried to let go of my day and drift off. I loved the feeling of the warm air in the room and the summer breeze that came in through the windows carrying all those yummy summer smells. Some nights it was so hot I couldn't get comfortable and the pillow felt like a mini furnace wrapped around my head. But later in the night I'd wake up and I'd be freezing and I'd search for the blankets that were tangled around my feet. Back then I always fell right back to sleep and I slept soundly through the night. No so these days!

Sleep is something I think about - a lot - when I'm at work, watching TV, in the car, when I get up in the morning and lots of other times during the day. Some days my eyelids are heavy and all I can think about is closing them for just a little while. Why is it then that when it's time to go to sleep - I can't!?! It just drives me nuts. Some nights it's well after two before my eyes will stay closed. Then comes the morning - seriously? Who invented morning? It should definitely be postponed until later in the day. My sleep doc said no sleeping during the day and that is just torture. I must admit to giving in every now and then just because it feels so painful to stay awake.

This year I want to see this all change. My goal is to wrap myself around this sleep thing and find some sense of balance. I'm going to use every strategy I can to get the sleep results I desperately need and want. Pretty soon when I say "good night", I'll mean it!

Friday, August 13, 2010

Day 2 - So Many Details

Recovery from ANYTHING is like a part-time job. A medical condition requires appointments, tests, trips to the drug store, med schedules, research and reading for support and education, therapies and of course a system for organizing all of it. Organization at home has never been my strong suit. I do what I can to keep it all together but it's sometimes a fragile balance. Throw in a few bad fibro days each week and I'm always playing catch up. It can get discouraging to have bills to pay (online, of course for ease), laundry to sort-do-and put away, mail that comes in by the stack, the cat box to clean and always someone to call about something to do with the house all calling for attention.


Another part of the notebook will be my inspiration pages - this will be pictures, quotes, cards, bits of information or anything else that tickles, supports, enriches or empowers me. Those kind of pages give me a mental boost and I know that they will add energy to my journey. Knowing that I have a system to rely on frees my mind and emotions from worry and additional stress. My goal is to get better, feel better and live better. I've heard that the devil's in the details - but not for this lady. I'm making a devilish task more user friendly and taking control of something I can actually change - now!

Enter the project notebook. Whenever I have a big project either at home or at work there is a notebook involved. So on Day 2 of my journey I got a new file folder notebook and have already started to feel more settled with everything I have to do. My workbook is in there as well as all the information pages my Lady Doc gave to me. Whatever communication I get or need to do will be in that book. I can just plop stuff in there on bad days and take time to organize on days I feel up to it. My notebook will be my "go to" place this year as I navigate the details of my big view of increased wellness this year.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Day 1 - Out of the Fog

Off to the doctor's office on Long Island and right on through my least favorite stretch of highway in the world - the Cross Bronx Expressway. I have to do this every time? Ugh. Met my Lady Doc - and she is fabulous - a real brainy-brain with a crisp and edgy humor that made me feel very comfortable. She seems both kind and no-nonsense and I like that. We got a lot done in the two hours I was at the office. Definitely worth the nearly 90 minute trip. I woke up feeling tired and not really wanting to drive into the city - when I was in the waiting room I was falling asleep and my first few minutes with her I couldn't get my thoughts straight or remember the details she was asking me about. Then of course I got teary when I talked about lost friendships and the changes in my life and my work. After a while I got really engaged with the questions she was asking and the connections I was making to the way I feel.

This condition is tough to live with and what's really tough is that I "clean up good". The doc even said it was harder for an attractive (thanks for the compliment) put-together woman to have fibro because it is so easily masked with some make-up and a confident presence. I told her that I felt guilty saying I wasn't doing well after someone went on and on about how great I'm looking and I MUST be doing better. When that happens I feel like their expectations don't match what I can deliver! The fact that my Lady Doc is smart, attractive energetic and an over-all dynamo didn't quite fit with the fact that SHE has fibro and is fighting the same battle I fight every day.

Lady Doc reminded me of myself in my thirties. I was full of excitement about life, my kids, my career and my future. But, I knew something was off - so many lost days when after teaching I couldn't get myself moving and needed a day literally on the couch to be ready for the next. I had wandering pains, migraines, digestive problems and a sense that other people could always get more done than I could. I tested positive for a form of Lupus - mixed connective tissue disease but no one ever treated it, just said I had it. So most of what went on, I blamed on that. I was diagnosed with fibro and chronic fatigue in 2002 and after seeing tons of different docs over the years, I feel like I am home. I am filled with so much optimism that I do believe that after this one year plan is through I will have my life back.

The beginning of the plan is to start me on mega-vitamins and supplements and do blood work for over 40 markers - everything from soup to nuts! I will get those results in early September. I will schedule the blood work and also get a bone density test done and forward all the results of tests I've had over the past year. This assessment is thorough! I am excited about this journey. I have a workbook to read and I started it in the car on my way to my 6th anniversary celebration with my hubby. This one year commitment is not for the meek of heart. It's a commitment to my recovery and reclamation of the life I used to live and love. I am ready and I will need the support of my friends and loved ones. Here I go.....