Day 123 - I'll Do This- But I Don't Have to Like It

Yesterday's post was about not taking on too much and keeping activity balanced with rest. I am not at the beginning of that process, for years I have been trimming away at my life until I hardly recognize the life I'm living. I was always full of energy and excitement. Everything from a chipmunk on the patio to a double rainbow in the sky could get me to jump up and explore. Work was play, I loved it so much. I taught all around the country working with teachers and wanted to make a difference for kids. I started my own business and worked hard to make it grow and succeed. I had lunches and dinners with girlfriends and dates with my husband. I parented my kids with a high level of involvement and got to know their friends and welcomed them into my home. I spent time with family. Home was a busy place! I had hobbies and loved to spend hours wandering in antique shops looking for beat up treasures I could bring to life. I had an active spiritual life and read books and magazines and anything I could get my hands on, to help me understand myself and others. I took great pleasure in my home and was always tinkering with one room or another. I exercised and was in great shape.

 

So much is different now and I grieve the loss of what once was. My kids are grown and on their own, I've downsized to a townhouse and I've given up my beloved teaching. My friends spend time with me on the phone or online and I rarely make a date to get together. My hobbies are fewer, but still important to me. Exercise is reduced to walking and gentle stretching, but I keep trying to do more. The stack of unread books by my bedside just sits there because my double vision strikes more frequently and my prism glasses just make my eyes tired, so I have a hard time reading. I miss my spiritual community but I still maintain a deep and abiding faith. My life is different, it's good, but very different. When I am asked to cut back even more it feels awful - so restrictive and uncomfortable. I've cut enough. I've lost enough. I've had enough.

 

I am usually an upbeat person and I like to think I learn my lessons well. What I'm not good at is being pushed around and that's what this feels like. Fibro keeps pushing and I keep wanting to push back. I see doing even less as giving in and I don't want to think, for even a second, that I am giving up. I know this is all for the best, I get that. I really do. But I don't have to like it, especially on those days when I've got some pep in my step, my head feels clear and I'm filled with enthusiasm for life. I am continuing to edit my life and to look for ways to support my emotional well-being while my body slowly does its healing thing.