I wasn't a very nice person this morning. I had to get up early to tend to my daughter who is home for the weekend. I have been questioning myself lately - kind of a soul-searching kind of thing, wondering if I am giving into this fibro thing too much and not asking more of myself on my off days. Today answered my question - I know that today I wasn't giving in - I was pushing. My hubby left early to take the dog to the kennel for the weekend so I was home alone with all of the challenges of having a daughter with multiple disabilities. She can't bathe herself, prepare her own meals, get herself dressed without some assistance and can't be left unsupervised for more than a few minutes at a time. When she is home I am on duty and there is no reprieve. We had to get out of the house fairly early and I had to do some packing - for her and for me. You would have thought someone had asked me to run a marathon or build a bridge - that's how much effort it took to get anything done.
There is a delicate balance between taking care of myself, pampering myself when I need to, and falling into self-indulgence. We all have lazy days and they are an important part of a balanced life. Taking time to just sit and stare at the trees and the squirrels is very nurturing. Going for a massage is both therapeutic and an indulgence and putting off a chore isn't the end of the world I don't call in sick to work very often. If I've made the commitment to go in, I go. I suck it up and let the energy of the day get me through. Mornings aren't a very good gauge of what my day is going to be like - especially the first hour or so. I've questioned whether I have just assumed it was going to be a rough day and settled in on the couch without giving the day a fair shot. Usually on those days just getting a shower and putting myself together is enough of a test to gauge how I'm feeling. If it's a good day I just keep on going, on a bad day I have to stop and rest a while before taking on the next task. Today I tested, and knew I couldn't keep gong, but I had no choice - that's when the grumpies start.
When I am not feeling well and I am being pushed, I lose all patience with myself, others and with anything else that crosses my path. I have to just zip my lip or I will say things I don't want to say. When my hubby got home he was fair game - and that's not fair. I told him I had no ability to be reasonable and to just ignore my grumblings. When I'm feeling that exhausted, stressed and grumpy he can't even breathe right. He was smart and just went into the other room. Luckily my daughter felt sleepy and headed back to bed for a longer sleep. Without that break I don't know how I would have made it through the morning. I try to keep my patience with her. I lay low until my mood shifts or I get some energy back. Within just thirty minutes I went from sleepy to grumpy, to weepy and I'm sure if I kept track, I could have represented all seven dwarfs. I get so peeved at feeling lousy that I my anger gets all mixed into my feeling ill. I checked in with my hubby and he doesn't think I give into my bad days. I'm the only one who really knows and I am pretty sure I'm doing the best I can without indulging myself.
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