Last Night it took me three hours to write my blog. I had a really bad day and night and stringing words into sentences was enormously difficult. I'd write a few sentences then erase them. I'd write a paragraph then put my head down and rest a while, then start again. I erased about twice as much as I finally posted. I re-read yesterday's blog just now and it didn't even make sense. I didn't feel like writing but I write even when I don't feel well because I made a commitment to myself to write every day for a year. I wanted to chart my journey as I sought out strategies to manage my fibro. I probably shouldn't have gone back and edited what I wrote yesterday, but I couldn't leave that jumbled mess out there to be read by anyone else. I have been consistent with my blog entries and haven't missed a single day, and there were days that I could barely write, but I got it done.
I feel good that I have been able to meet the challenge of writing every day for the past eight months and follow through on the promise to myself. I believe that there are certain people that will always rise to a challenge. I don't know if it's faith, a strong will, optimism, pride, a high degree of internal motivation, a desire to please loved ones, or maybe a desire not to let those loved ones down. Maybe it's all of those things and maybe it's something else entirely. I don;t always know what drives me, but I have never shied away from meeting a challenge head-on and when I achieve a measure of success I feel good about myself. I love to work hard and I love to set my mind to something and plow full steam ahead into it. Working hard and not seeing a difference in my health has been one of the most difficult aspects of living with fibro and fatigue.
From the time I was young, I was a go-getter and loved to be involved in whatever was going on whether it was in my personal life, my school life or my work life. Family and friends have always been enormously important to me and I have been dedicated to making meaningful contributions to those relationships. At work, I have always willingly given one hundred percent and I have welcomed challenges that stretched my skill level and expanded my understanding. Now, I clearly see that things have changed. I don't have the energy to dedicate myself to what's important in my life. It is really hard for me to accept the level of limitation I've been experiencing lately, especially since I see such a big difference between the way I'm doing now, compared to just a few years ago. This is not good. The biggest frustration is that my effort doesn't make this better. I am living with a chronic condition that I can't change. I can be a go-getter with managing fibro, but until fibro decides to cooperate, there's not much more I can do except to bring the same focus I have brought to every other challenge I've faced.
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