When my hubby gets tied up with work meetings at night, goes away on a trip, or even worse, gets sick himself I get really concerned. I have always been very independent and because of being divorced and a single mom I got to be pretty good at taking care of myself as well as my kids. The idea that I need someone here to take care of me is very foreign and I have to admit I don't like it one bit. It is still very hard for me to ask for help. I am feeling more and more dependent and I don;t want to increase my hubby's stress level. My emotional needs are met, but it's the everyday routine things that start to fall apart when then two of us aren't each doing our part. I wonder how things will work out as we age and then I remind myself that that kind of thinking is just borrowing trouble and I bring myself back to the present, which is hard enough.
As long as everything goes as planned we have pretty much figured things out as to how to keep up the house and take care of our lives within the context of my having a chronic condition. But one of the hardest things about living with a chronic condition is that it is always present. even on a good day and I can't do what I used to be able to do. The people in my life have to pick up the slack and that creates its own set of challenges. I'm one of those women fortunate enough to have a spouse that isn't afraid to be in the kitchen or do things around the house, grocery shop or take care of feeding the cat and walking the dog. (He has made it clear that folding sheets is at the very bottom of his list of things he likes to do, but he will do it anyway). Before I got so sick we had a nice rhythm going and things got done without too much fuss, and I felt like a fully contributing partner. Now, it is clearly not the same.
Over the past couple of years I have been doing less and less - both for fun and with my responsibilities. At dinner time I am pretty much out of energy, especially on days I've been to the office or into the city to see my doctor. My hubby went from being a "great heater-upper" to a pretty good cook. He used to stop at the grocery on his way home to pick up a few things and now the responsibility for shopping falls on him. When I have had a string of bad days, the things that I typically take on have to be shifted over to him and that makes his load even heavier. I start to feel the stress and I imagine that he does, too. So when I'm having a bad time and he isn't here, there are things I just can't get done and I start to worry about how on earth I will manage. What's essential for me to remember is that what needs to be accomplished is far less important than keeping our stress levels down. We're in this for the long haul so we'd better pace ourselves. There is plenty to do - but plenty of time to do it, and nobody is keeping a time clock on us.
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