There was a war of words on a fibro site that I frequent that had to do with the difference between being whiny and wallowing in self pity and the supposed opposite, being positive and having a "zest " for life. There was a lot of anger in the comments responding to the idea that people who share how horrible they are feeling, or how terrible they are doing, are "wallowers" and the ones who are positive have a zest for living and don't let things get them down. I fall somewhere in the middle on the issue. I think positive people can sometimes wallow and wallowers can sometimes take a rough situation and make the most of it and become more empowered along the way. Slinging arrows of criticism for the weakness of the wallowers and high praise for people who are positive only serves to divide us, when what we need to do is be there for each other. It is not my place to judge another person's coping skills, but I can be self-protective around individuals feeling less positive so I am not dragged down with them. I can maintain my equilibrium and still be supportive and respectful of another person's difficulty coping.
What makes a person positive? The way I see it - a positive person accepts what is happening in their life - good or bad - and makes the most of it. A positive person can have bad days, bad experiences, and on occasion, makes bad decisions. The difference between a positive person and a wallower is that a person who is wallowing in self-pity or negativity is stuck. Their pain, discouragement and feelings of powerlessness make them feel as if there is no way to move forward and consequently they begin to focus on what is wrong, rather than on the possibilities for how they might make things right. It is absolutely ridiculous to ask people not to express their pain and frustration when they are in a complex and difficult situation. Talking things through is a time honored way of healing emotional pain. It is silly to suggest that we pretend that a bad situation is a good one - that's simply being a Pollyanna - someone who is expressing unrealistic optimism. The key to managing challenging situations is to keep a healthy balance between feelings and action so that negative emotions don't become the overriding theme of life. As in, some people are only happy when they're not.
So how do we support the people around us who are stuck and what do we need when we feel ourselves drifting away from being positive and into that feeling of discouragement and being stuck. We can be good listeners and we can be careful not to overload others with our pain. Friends and loved ones want to be helpful and supportive, but we have to be cautious about how much we dump on those in our support network in an effort to relieve our suffering. When I can empathize with someone who is suffering, there is healing that begins to happen for both the giver and the receiver of that kind of caring support. When we are stuck, we need to find ways to re-frame our experience so that we focus on managing just a bit at a time instead of focusing on the enormity of our situation. There is a delicate balance to be struck in communicating our fears and pains as well as being on the receiving end of that kind of expression. We are up and we are down and all of us need a safe place to land. There are times I have been that safe place for someone who was struggling. On the other hand, I am very grateful to have been the one receiving the gift of caring, empathy and compassion.
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