Day 172 - Patience, Patience, Patience

When it comes to technology I am not a patient person. I think it's because I feel so darned incompetent. I just spent over an hour on the phone trying to get an internet connection. The fella that helped me was very patient and had a sweet sense of humor. I was polite and calm but I could feel the tension building in my neck and back as I balanced a land-line, my cell and my laptop. I had absolutely no idea why I was doing what I was doing and if I was left to my own devices I couldn't solve the problem again. It annoyed me that I was so unskilled. One thing I've learned about myself is that when I feel incompetent and confused I lose my patience with myself.

 

I think I have expectations of myself that are way too high. Why would I think, even for one second, that I should be able to figure out a computer glitch? I can't fix my own car and that doesn't bother me. But I have come to expect that I can drive my car into a garage and there will be someone there who is a genius at fixing it and I can't. But when it comes to computers I have a different expectation of myself because I've worked hard to try to keep up. When I'm stuck and someone helps me, they make it seem so easy and that just adds to my feelings of inadequacy. I have to re-adjust my thinking and focus on what I can do instead of what I can't.

 

There is so much to learn about so many things I know I'll spend the rest of my life being curious and learning new things. When I am a beginner it's a great time to learn more about being patient with myself. Practicing patience means I have a realistic and positive outlook and I give myself time to grasp something new. I have to recognize that doing something new or complicated takes time and effort and I have to cut myself a break if I'm not successful right away.  Taking a deep breath or even taking a break can increase my sense of calm and create more self-acceptance and patience. I can be as kind and forgiving with myself as I am with the sweet little ones in my life. I deserve that and I know that I don't have to be so hard on myself.

Day 171 - When a Decision Feels Right, It's Probably a Good Decision

Before heading north I decided to do a bit of shopping today and I and tried on a few bathing suits. As every woman knows, that is a real test of self-esteem and self -acceptance, especially in the middle of winter. I've maintained a decent weight all my adult life, but let's get real, gravity has certainly taken its toll. A bathing suit in January isn't usually at the top of my shopping list, but I figure where better to get a suit than in Florida? What was really interesting to me was if a suit didn't fit it made me look and feel terrible.When it didn't fit it seemed to accentuate all of my least attractive features and my better features didn't seem to be so good anymore. But when I tried on a suit that was the right size and style for me, I looked just fine and I didn't pay any attention to the features that just minutes ago looked like a real problem. I bought it.

I pay a lot of attention to what seems to "fit" in my life, whether it's a bathing suit or an option I need to consider. When a decision resonates with me, or strikes me as being real or true, it fits. All the positives are accentuated and the negatives seem to be balanced and lose their power. I am comfortable with making decisions based on fact but using my intuition to guide me. I tend to trust the way a decision makes me feel. If I'm uncomfortable, then I reconsider my choice. If what I've decided seems to flow and not have much resistance, I feel good about moving forward. When I try to force something or approach it out of fear, the decision always seems to create difficulty and then fall apart in some way. It may be immediate, or it may take a good bit of time for the outcome of my decision to erode and fall away in my life, but it eventually happens.

I have been making some pretty hefty decisions around my health issues over the past couple of months and I my life is bearing the fruit of those decisions. I decided to take some time away from the cold and that was a very good decision, When I thought about it, the idea seemed reasonable and smart and as I planned the time away it all seemed to fall into place, including a plan for making the trip economical. I am working on re-defining my role at work and that is a smart thing for me to do. As I think about what it may mean I am excited about the possibilities and I am eager to move forward. I am still focused on my wellness plan and along the way I have had to make some tough decisions that have re-directed my plan and have kept me heading in the right direction. Whether it's a bathing suit or a decision I need to make with my Lady Doc, when my choice feels right it is time to move forward with a sense of confidence and optimism.

Day 170 - Running Away and Escaping - Sometimes a Great Idea

I have a room upstairs where I do all my personal stuff. Everything from work connected to the office, to paying bills, to reading, watching a little TV, and my hobbies. Sometimes all the different purposes and the stuff that goes along with each, turn the room into a mess. It looks like a tornado has hit it and I need to spend some time getting it back in order. I like those days when I can start the job, get things back where they belong and I get to feel a real sense of accomplishment. But there are times when I just can't get to it so I walk away and let it be. I don't like the way it looks, and I want it to be neat and pretty, but if I am sick or don't have the energy to deal with it, closing the door and walking away seems to be the best thing to do. But, it sits and waits for me. Closing the door only postpones my problem. Typically, running away from my problems has always turned into running away with my problems.

 

My typical style for addressing something that needs to be done, figured out or resolved is to deal with it straight on, directly and person-to-person. With hard work and a clear focus, I can usually figure out a way to manage a challenge,  problem or difficulty and finish what needs to be finished. Sometimes it involves another person, and sometimes it's just some life situation that needs my attention. I prefer getting it done to rumming away or avoiding my issues. For nearly six months I have been dealing with my fibro and wherever I go - it goes with me. There is no escape. I can't close the door on it and deal with it later, I have to deal with it every minute of every day. Surprisingly, I have found one little part of running away that makes sense to me in managing my fibro.

 

For the past couple of weeks, I got out of the cold northeast weather. I can't tell you how much easier life feels without dealing with temperature extremes. Was I still sick? Well, yes, in some ways. Migraines, a couple of lost days, and the same old fibro-fog and the other pain and nonsense I usually deal with. What was different? Being away took away all of the everyday stress of running a house, tending to other's needs (including the pets) and using up a lot of energy trying to stay warm. It hasn't been super-warm where I've been - just nice - in the 60's and sunny most days. My body loves this easy weather. It's hard to head back to the cold after spending time feeling comfy and relaxed. But I live up north and where the winters are unkind. Running away was a great idea. Now the issue is to figure out for next year - do I do it again, and make running away part of the solution to this problem.

Day 169 - What's Difficult One Day Becomes Effortless the Next

Maybe all this rest I've been getting ovet he past couple of weeks is starting to pay off. Or maybe it's just that my stress level has been reduced by getting away from the daily demands of my everyday life. Whatever it is, today I really felt the creativity flowing and I had a great time tonight playing with my beads again and making some jewelry. I know I'm on a roll when whatever I'm making just kind of happens. When I'm tired, sick or stressed out I can stare at my beads and poke them around, reorganize them and start a couple of things, but nothing gets finished and I certainly don't feel inspired. I started playing with the beads last night and by tonight I really got into it and made a couple of things that really pleased me.

 

Creativity doesn't come easily if I'm not feeling my best. There's a state of mind I have to enter for it all to be able to flow. What's difficult one day becomes effortless on another. What seems uninspiring at one point in time all of a sudden becomes a point of not just inspiration, but motivation as well. I like the feeling of having something come together and I also like the feeling of accomplishment I get when I have made something that gives me or someone else pleasure. I can't be creative on demand and it frustrates me when I want to be and it just doesn't happen, it's a state of being. There are certainly strategies I can use to get the creative juices flowing, but if I'm not feeling well, on any level - physically, emotionally or spiritually, I can just forget it.

 

Today wasn't a spectacular day as far as how I was feeling physically, but I was feeling relaxed. I know that stress plays a very big part in the sense of well-being I experience each day. I can be happy even when I'm stressed, but I experience my personal energy differently. I like the way I feel when my mind is clear and I'm not feeling the pressure of responsibilities hanging over my head. I've been taking a bit of a break from all that and I think it is doing me good. I'm noticing that when I don't have uninterrupted alone time each day I really miss it. I know that my stress level goes down when I can unwind and let go of the racing thoughts in my mind. I know that I nurture my creativity when I am conscious of what I need to create that comfort and sense of well-being. Creativity is only one of the aspects of myself that flourishes when I am taking good care of myself.   

Day 168 - What does Your Family Tell You About Your Health?

This was a very nice day. It was good. Fun. Restful. Relaxing. Low key and no pressure. I spent it hanging out with my sister and that was fun. There is something cathartic about hanging out with the person who has lived through the same crap you did as a kid and is still your friends as an adult. We made stupid jokes about it and let ourselves off the hook about some of the bad choices we've made during our recovery from a wacky family. We hung out and took advantage of our time together. Other than having some fun and doing a lot of nothing together, one of the things that is really important about being with family is to talk about real stuff. Whether it's about family or relationship challenges, plans for the future, or medical stuff, talking things through is important.

 

In addition to all of the silliness, fun and relaxation, my sister and I did spend some time talking about our common medical stuff. We look to our parents and our siblings for clues about the health issues we may face as we age. My sister and I are both taking some similar meds and we had a good chat about how our bodies react to those meds. We started doing some internet searches and learned some important information about the timing of how we take those meds. We talked about family medical problems and the life choices we are making to stay as healthy as we can. Both of us came away feeling like we had made some progress in our strategies to get healthy

. 

I know that since my family history includes heart disease, stroke, aneurysm,  high blood pressure, and diabetes. I would be negligent if I didn't take a look at my lifestyle and make sure I am living in a way that does not give those conditions an opportunity to get a foothold in my body. I have never smoked, I rarely drink, and I have worked to reduce the stress in my life (although stress continues to be an issue). I have watched what I eat for decades and I have worn sunscreen since I was in my mid-thirties. I feel really good that my medical tests for those family issues always came up clean. I don't have those family conditions, but I do have a few of my own. Who knows where the fibro came from - an aunt or a cousin on my Dad's side? I just, don't know. What I do know for sure is that I would rather talk about other things than fibro when I'm hanging with my sister.  

Day 167 - Belonging Makes me Healthier and Stronger

There is real power in belonging to a community. There is strength in numbers, and being part of a family, team, a club, an organization, a group, a club or a neighborhood gives me a sense of belonging and purpose. Being around like-minded people is very affirming and comfortable. As much as I love a good discussion and I respect other points of view, there are times I love not having to explain myself and the feeling that comes with that relaxed camaraderie. It's been proven that being part of a community increases not just good health, but longevity. Sign me up for that!

 

I remember the days of walking into the high school cafeteria and hoping my friends would be there and my panic when my lunch buddy was out sick. Then I remember being in college and having a completely different experience. I actually looked forward to getting to the snack bar to hang with whichever of my friends was there, I felt completely comfortable and accepted. It sure made my life easier and I know my stress level went way down! As an adult, I feel confident in most social situations, but every now than then I get that high school lunch period anxiety when I am going to be mostly with people I don't know. Some things never change and what remains true is that we need to belong.

 

My wellness has many dimensions and it seems that every time I open a magazine or watch a television show, I am bombarded with ideas and strategies to increase my health and well-being. It can be quite overwhelming and as much as I would like to do a zillion different things to get myself better, it just isn't realistic. So I keep my plan simple, eat well, exercise as much as I can and not over-do it, sleep well, take my meds, reduce my stress and remain as much a part of my community as I can. It's very easy to start to feel isolated and disconnected when I'm not feeling well, but being with people who "get me" is a great energy booster and a proven way to make me healthier. It's a big job to get healthy, but I think my simple plan has me starting to feel better.

Day 166 - Side Effects Need Management, Too

 One of the unfortunate truths in the practice of medicine is that our doctors don't know how each of us will react to a medication.Side effects are a nightmare and I thought I was doing really well avoiding side effects with my meds. My Lady Doc is still batting a thousand - I've had no problems with what she has prescribed, But another one of my doctors (who isn't nearly as good a listener) I fear has led me astray. I have been having a morning symptom that a doctor I consulted today, said may be neuropathy, a possible side effect of Lipitor. I have spoken with my cardiologist a number of times about what to watch out for with Lipitor, and he consistently reassured me, saying I was on such a low dose, that I wouldn't experience any problems. He even went on to say that he was on the same med and it was perfectly safe. Blah, blah, blah.

 

When will I ever learn not to trust these people who just brush me off? This is the same doctor who challenged my fibro treatment and told me directly that I was never going to get any better and I shouldn't get my hopes up. He was quick to criticize what he didn't understand about my plan, but slow to expose the real dangers of what he was prescribing. Once again I am annoyed and troubled by this breach of trust. I have decided to go off the Lipitor until I can speak with my neurologist. I'm not taking any chances with this. I've got enough to deal with and I don't need to abuse my body with a med that my system can't tolerate. If when I see my neurologist, this turns out to be a false alarm, I will retract these statements. But my symptoms are coming from something and I still need to get to the bottom of this.

 

Each day I read posts on a fibro support page about the meds that people are taking to make them feel better and to help them to function in their lives. Most of those medications are known to have difficult possible side effects and many others lose their effectiveness over time. It's a real balancing act to get it all right. I have been unable to tolerate the currently advertised fibro meds as well as a long list of others. I believe firmly in using natural supplements as much as possible and to use prescription medications only as a last resort. There are meds I just can't function without - for restless leg, migraines, hypo-thyroid, and low cortisol to mention a few. Most everything else is being treated with natural supplements and that works for me. Managing side effects seems to be part of the landscape of managing fibro. It's my job to stay aware of what's happening in my body, ask questions and in the end make medical decisions that are best for me.

Day 165 - I'm Stretching By Stepping Up, or By Stepping Back

Work has been very busy the past week and I love it. What I love best is that I feel like I am contributing in ways that may be different than I used to, but what I'm doing now is just as important. It feels so good to know that I can choose what's good for me and at the same time, do good for others as well. I have always felt that each of us brings different gifts to life. What surprises me is that the gifts we are given to share with others are endless. Every situation we face calls for different skills or behaviors and I see people around me stepping up to the plate time and again. It's exciting. As much as I see the gifts in others, my own self-judgement can get in the way of recognizing my own gifts, and then to use them to help make the decisions in my life that are best for me.

When I stop and think about it, I realize I am learning important lessons about myself through this process of healing and I value the lessons I am learning. It takes new situations and new experiences to stretch who I am and to challenge me to grow and test myself  in new ways. Some lessons are helping me to step back and others are making me step up. As I look back on my life, it seems to me that my most difficult life circumstances have created the most spiritual and emotional growth. I see clearly that the most difficult people in my life have helped me to learn about my own vulnerabilities and shortcomings. My scariest experiences have taught me that I can be brave and strong. My most challenging students have been my greatest teachers because they made me question and then develop my skills. If I don't see areas where I need to grow through these situations, I remain stagnant and inflexible.

Re-defining my life through the lens of fibro continues to create new growth opportunities for me. I've met new friends, prioritized hat's important to me, and increased my overall health by taking care of multiple issues, I've redefined my role professionally and I have learned to depend on the love and good will of those around me. That may be one of my toughest lessons. I tend to be a pretty independent woman and "needing" someone isn't high on my list of things I'd like to admit to. But I will admit it now, and I know that needing is in no way a negative reflection on my strength. Both can exist within me and I am learning to embrace both my independence and my need. I've got plenty more lessons to learn in this life and I remain a willing learner.  

Day 164 - If You Don't Have Your Health - You Still Have a Lot

Every once in a while I get myself into a little project. Last spring I traveled to Arizona for a vacation with my hubby. We saw people there from all over the United States so I thought I would keep a list of every state license plate I saw while we were there. That turned into a goal of seeing the plate of all fifty states within a year. As of today, I only need two more states - Nebraska and North Dakota, and I still have three months to go! It may seem silly, but I got a real kick out of seeing a South Dakota plate this afternoon. Forty-eight down, two to go. Road trips keep my attention a whole lot more than they used to.

 

The little things in life are what make my life rich. What seems inconsequential to another person, may be important to me. People say if you don't have your health you don't have anything. That's simply not true for me. My health is challenged and I have my share of bad days, but there is so much that's good, fun, wonderful, loving and connected about my life. Having a condition like fibro and fatigue doesn't take away my life, it just makes it different. I may not be able to enjoy all the things I used to, but I sure enjoy the many new, and easier-to-manage, things to do that I've found.

 

I plan activities that I am confident I can manage, keeping my lower energy level in mind. That way I don't feel disappointed if I can't keep up. I find ways to rest on an outing so I can still continue to participate with family or friends. I drive instead of walk, I park near the entrance of stores or restaurants and I go out earlier in the evening rather than later. I guess I can laughingly say that I'm living kind of like a senior citizen when I'm not even there yet. But, so be it. There will come a day when my old energy is back and I will get right back to all the things I used to enjoy. Until then I will appreciate the little things that amuse me. That way, I can spend a quiet afternoon or a whole day, resting and doing things that keep me occupied and interested. 

Day 163 - Migraines are Familiar but Unwelcomed Territory

Today I woke up migraine-free and it was wonderful! Early morning migraines are rough because if I wake up with the headache it already has a hold on me. Each morning for the past week I dragged myself into the bathroom with my eyes half closed, holding my head to keep it from falling off and at the same time shielding my eyes from the light. I tore open the little packet that hold a tiny little pain pill and downed it with a big swallow of water. Then I dragged myself back into my bed and prayed for the pain to go away. Even though I dealt with the pain, it usually took a good chunk of the morning to feel like myself again. I hate migraines and I have battled them for years. They come in clusters and now that this siege is over, I probably won't see another for at least a couple of weeks. Thank the Good Lord for that!

 

When I first started getting migraines there weren't any magic little pills that took the agony away. A migraine meant hours of excruciating pain, nausea, and digestive upset. I would lock myself in a dark room and curl into a ball waiting for it to go away. I have tried pulling at big chunks of my hair to ease the pain, hot compresses, cold compresses and as many pills as my body could tolerate, to rid myself of the hammering and pulsing in my head. My eyes would tear, my nose run and I felt like standing up required an act of congress. Then came a new class of drugs that could manage my pain. If I caught my migraine in the first thirty minutes, I could feel better within an hour. I grew to both love and respect those drugs. They saved me from the migraine torture I had experienced for well more than a decade.

 

There have been times (but no more) when I have been caught without my prescription meds. Once I was on a trip to Iowa to do a presentation. Flying was just beginning to be identified as a guaranteed migraine and I got off my flight with a whopper and no pills. I took over-the-counter pain relievers (before the days of over-the-counter migraine meds) and they did nothing. I did my three hour presentation, giving assignments and breaks so I could go into the bathroom to vomit. Friends from Nebraska rescued me after my workshop and took me back to their hotel. Six hours later they put me on a plane to go back to New Jersey. I barely made it. I look back at some of my migraine dramas and wonder how I flew, drove or walked feeling the way I did, let alone take care of my kids, teach or do a meeting. Now I take better care of  myself. If I feel a migraine coming on I immediately take my meds and by doctor's orders add an over-the counter med on top of that. It usually stops my headache and I can continue my day. Feeling that I have at least some control over this pain is no small thing.

Day 162 - I Couldn't Make This Up if I Wanted To

The first migraine I remember having was right after I finished high school. I was on a first date with a new fella. We were going for a ride up to the mountains and then going out to dinner. I was wearing a pink dress and he was driving a convertible Corvette. I remember forgetting my sunglasses but not wanting to make a big deal of it. After a couple of hours with the sun beating down on my head I got a headache to beat all headaches. I was trying to pretend I was fine because I liked the guy and I didn't want to seem to be a complainer. By the time he got me home I could barely crawl into bed. I thought my brain would explode, but I didn't tell anyone. I suffered in silence.

 

When I was growing up, it was not a good thing in my house to be sick. My parents never got along very well and the sick-kid-at-home thing was a huge bone of contention between them  Us kids were stuck in the middle of their battle. My mother was way too focused on every symptom I had, and because of that I missed an average of forty-plus days of school each year in elementary school. Some years it was well over fifty days. It made my father furious when one of us kids stayed home from school so as I got older I learned to pretend I felt fine, even when I didn't. He thought every symptom was faked and to this day I still feel at least a little bit guilty when I'm out sick or I'm having a bad day. When I was in ninth grade I went to school with a raging sore throat and a fever. I finally gave in and went to the school nurse. She didn't believe I was sick and sent me back to gym class. I went home after school, went to the doctor the next day and was out of school for three weeks with a strep throat and rheumatic fever. 

 

Last week I visited an infectious disease specialist and one of his first questions to me was, are you seeing a psychiatrist? Are you frickin kidding me? Man, I was right back there as a twelve year old feeling like my father thought I was faking. I quickly got myself back together and then I must have given the guy a look that could melt paint because he immediately apologized. Too late, doc, you blew it, lost all credibility and I knew in that instant I would never set foot back in that office. I have had a migraine every single morning for the past week and I appreciate that my hubby has been supportive, and he certainly believes me. I don't fake my pain, my tiredness, my blurry vision or my insomnia. I don't skew my own blood test results or my blood pressure. I am honest with myself about how I'm feeling, even if I don't share every ache and pain with the people around me. My family of origin did not create a healthy atmosphere for dealing with illness. Having a condition like fibro and fatigue challenges me to grow emotionally and spiritually so I can leave behind the mixed messages and guilt from back when I was a kid and deal with my situation feeling calm and confident.

Day 161 - My Funny Cast of Characters

I've had a couple of really good belly laughs this week. Today I was laughing so hard my eyes were tearing. I much prefer those tears to the ones that run down my cheeks in the wintry wind when my face feels like it's about to crack from the cold. Aside from the weather perspective, it was such fun to get the giggles with my hubby today over some silly exchange we had driving in the car. The other day I was reading a very funny little book to him titled, The Darwin Awards (great little stories about really, really dumb things people do when they really should know better) One story was about a guy trying to hold up a fast food store. The armed robber walked up to the counter and demanded money. The cashier said he couldn't open the cash drawer without an order. The bandit ordered onion rings. The cashier said they weren't available yet, they were still serving breakfast. The robber got all ticked off and walked out of the restaurant! The stories were about that kind of ridiculous, illogical behavior that you just can't even begin to explain. We read story after story and we were both just cracking up with laughter. What a joy!

 

It's fun to have something capture my fancy and set me off into the giggles. Laughter continues to be my favorite tool for healing and stress relief. I don't have to "remember" to take a dose of laughter, I don't need to make and keep an appointment, I don't have to spend a cent or even get dressed up to go out the door. It's right at my disposal - free, easy, and fun! There was an author who wrote about treating cancer patients with funny movies in addition to the many other therapies necessary to combat that terrible condition. But laughter was found to have a therapeutic effect and a library of funny movies was recommended for anyone battling a chronic illness. My guess is that the flood of positive and hormones that flow through the body when someone laughs displaces some of the nasty stress hormones floating around. When I am laughing I am energized, happy, engaged and fully alive. I breathe deeper and I feel rejuvenated.

 

I am blessed to have some very funny people in my life. One sends me funny emails, without a note or a greeting, but he knows they will make me laugh. another sends animal stuff that always makes me smile. I have friends that have a quick wit and others that know just when to add a funny line to a serious conversation. I have a friend that teases me, I grumble and growl, but it's damned funny and I'd miss it if he stopped. My kids make me laugh and the little children in my life give me endless moments of smiles, laughter and silly play. I don't know what I would ever do without the crazy cast of characters that bless my life with the lighter side of things. I take my pills and do what I'm "supposed" to do to get stronger. and I firmly believe that a daily dose of medicine will empower all the other potions and pills to do a better job of getting me well and strong. 

Day 160 - I Plan, God Laughs

I plan, God laughs. I read that quote today and kind of sighed. It is so true. I think I have things all figured out and I don't. I think I know what's next and it isn't. I believe one person's lie and doubt another's truth. I question, I wonder, I "get it" some days and other days I just haven't got a clue. I am amazed by people and by life and I am on a fabulous ride. Most of the accomplishments in my life weren't expressed goals - I have always put one foot in front of the next, worked really hard, and infused passion in whatever I did - from parenting to teaching, to building relationships or creating a home for me and my family.

 

I don't mind unpredictability, but a bit of knowing what's coming next isn't such a bad thing in my world. There's a full moon tonight and there's something about it that makes me feel happy and hopeful. There is that beautiful golden ball hanging in the sky above me just as it did last month and all the months before. I can count on that big beautiful moon shining on me and it never lets me down. I love nights when the moon is so bright I can create a moon shadow with as much definition as if I was standing in the sunshine. Not everything in life is predictable, but some things are, and I rely on those things to help me to feel grounded.

 

Just like I count on the moon rising, I also count on the love and support of my family and friends. I like to think that I give as good as I get, and they can count on me, too. But I also know that my tomorrows aren't guaranteed, nor are the tomorrows of the ones I love. People surprise and amaze me and there is no shortage of ways people can thrill me, make me smile, or laugh, give me hope or teach me to be a better version of myself. Even though I don't have everything figured out, I don't think I need to, so I let myself off the hook on that one. Regardless of the challenges my life has put in my path, I am a happy person, fully alive, clearly imperfect, but filled with enthusiasm for what the next day will bring. 

Day 159 - Thanks, But I Don't Need Sugar Coated Truth

Today was an important day for me at work. A colleague shared that the people on my team are concerned about me and my health and also that I have made some mistakes at work that I didn't even realize I made. My team hesitated to speak with me about the situation because they didn't want to hurt my feelings or cause me additional stress. I'm a strong woman and I encouraged my colleague to tell me whatever was going on and being said. I very much appreciate the courage it took to talk to "the boss" about a sensitive issue and to be clear about where I messed up. It seems that my memory is more of a problem than I thought and my ability to follow through on plans has suffered as well, partly because of my limited working hours and partly because I just don't have the concentration and focus I used to have. I want and need to remain effective in my leadership position, so I have taken a step back and I am looking at what is best for me and for my organization.

As much as I agree that the conversation about my role needed to happen, and I am more than willing to re-define my role, this feels like more loss to me and it makes me sad. I have given up my college teaching, my consulting work and much of the day-to-day operations of my business. Many of the changes I've made in my role have been about succession planning but another entire chunk I can directly relate to my fibro and fatigue. I want to be relevant, impactful, effective and reliable. I want do the work I love and continue to do it well. I want the people I work with to trust me and my judgement. My vision, planning and leadership have not been called into question, but I am just not good at working with details or in situations that demand too much of my energy. It's time to let go. So, I wrote a letter to each person on my management team and apologized for any additional work I caused for them. I made a promise to them and to myself that I will avoid putting myself in a position where my lack of focus or poor memory could cause additional problems. I will live up to that promise.

My feelings were not hurt by having a conversation about my difficulties at work and I appreciated that the truth was not sugar coated. I needed integrity and authenticity in our exchange. When I lose entire chunks of information from my awareness it is indeed a telling component of my condition and one that is important for me to address. I can't fix what I don't see. I shared that I felt like a kid with ADD, except ADD drugs don't fix my problem and that I don't want my challenges to impact the success of our organization. My goal is to find a way to stay involved so that the people I work with don't have to do any damage control. My condition is humbling and I must admit that I don't like dealing with it very much at all. But, it's where I am today. My own self-awareness and the support of those around me will keep me on track. So with God's Grace I will move forward, find my place, and be thankful that I can still find a way to contribute to my community doing work that I love.

Day 158 - Everybody Loves a PJ Day

Today was a routine, no big deal, just fine kind of a day. I spent the most part of it alone and I liked the time by myself. Last week was pretty good and I felt okay today, it was just a slow paced, no agenda kind of day. I got distracted early in the day by some work issues that were hanging on from last week, but that felt productive and it moved things forward in my own head. I chose to stick with that instead of heading out and it was a good choice for me. I felt okay today, but not terrific and I decided not to push. Overall, I was relaxed today and by the end of the day I felt well-rested.

 

Every now and then I have one of these days and I think I feel a little guilty because there are already so many days that I'm not really functioning. It's almost like I have a responsibility to make a day productive if I'm not really sick. Rarely do I take a day off and relax, just because I can. It doesn't seem to be acceptable to me anymore. I have to spend some time examining that kind of thinking. I know my friends do lazy, PJ days and they feel just fine with that. I have to remember that I've put in my time as a mom, full-time employee and over-all responsible citizen. Lazy is a word that feels loaded to me - like I have to guard against someone thinking that I'm being less than busy and productive all the time. It is probably some hold-over from my childhood and I need to get over it already!!

 

Actually, I stayed in today because I felt like kind of a slug. I didn't get cleaned up until this afternoon and the only reason I did was because I was such a mess and I didn't want my hubby to see me looking so grungy. The best part about working from home on the phone is that I can feel at least a little productive, even while looking like a bum. I don't know why I have days like this, but I suspect lots of people do. I didn't feel sick, I was just kind of unfocused and unmotivated - I didn't feel like doing much. I wanted to clear my head of stuff that was hanging on, but I had absolutely no desire to leave the comforts of home. Each day has its purpose and when I let a day unfold the way it did today I pay attention to what I need and can take care of myself and address what's on my mind. A slow, easy day every now and then is a very good idea.

Day 157 - From Bad to Good, Back to Bad Again

 My Dad and I once took a trip together to Ireland and he was a little unsettled with our lack of a schedule for each day. We had a plan for a greneral direction, but nothing more than that to guide our travels. I figured we would take each day as it came and that worked out really well for us. By about the third unstructured day he was comfortable not knowing where the day might take us and even got into some possibility thinking. Life unfolds and I have always been pretty good at rolling with the punches. I'm great in a crisis - I step up, do what needs to be done, then collapse later. I can busy myself with whatever is around me and I like to think that I can bloom wherever I'm planted. When life delivers the unexpected, I can usually take it in stride. I like the idea of letting things happen as they may.

 

As comfortable as I am with going with the flow and being flexible, the unpredictability of my health is another story. I'm about done with not knowing what kind of day I'm going to have or having my energy shift in the middle of something I want to do and then having to leave it behind. I don't appreciate making plans and then having to change them because I've developed some annoying aspect of fibro or fatigue. I don't like not knowing that I can guarantee that I will have the energy and focus to make it through a day. I want to be able to go with the flow and not get stopped in my tracks. Since I know that there is a new element of unpredictablity in my days because of my health, I've started mapping out the essentials of my week. That way I make sure I balance the tough stuff with things that are less taxing. That helps me to feel more sure that essential tasks will get completed.

 

The past few days have been really good and then last night I had a hard time going to sleep. That set the stage for a crummy day today. I got up and was able to get to a morning appointment, but then I came home and hit the couch. Two hours later I woke up from my nap feeling groggy and grumpy with the start of a migraine. I ate some lunch and rested a bit more. It helped. Then I got outside for a walk and my much needed exercise. I lasted about forty minutes at a moderate pace and then I pooped out. It felt good to be outside and active. Once I got tired I immediately took care of myself. I stopped, I drank some water and rested a bit before I continued on with my day. It's early evening and it still feels like not so great a day. I'm tired and weary, but not sleepy. I can't predict tomorrow and that annoys me. Today wasn't what I wanted it to be, but I'll take tomorrow as it comes, and make it the best it can be.

Day 156 - Relentless Ambition - My Plan for Getting Well

This morning a friend and colleague led me to a very interesting article about today's definition of ambition. Ambition is, in fact, perceived as a new and different thing than it used to be.  Years ago, to say someone was ambitious  was almost a negative. Yesterday's definition of ambition included drive, competition and winning. It was about acquisition and the trappings of success. You had to look successful to be successful. Back then, ambition in its rawest form was a force that could create an imbalance and a singular focus. There seemed to be an inability to have a multiple focus - and that was very difficult for women who wanted to be successful. Ambitious people were seen as individuals who would do anything for success and would climb over anyone who got in their way. 

 

A new kind of ambition is what is now valued in our culture and the new definition seems to be more real. Ambition is a good thing when it is translated as a fire in your belly. If the drive for career or work success is balanced with a balanced life and the desire to be successful includes many dimensions, it can lead to a very productive, rewarding and satisfying life. I have many passions and I find great satisfaction in achievement, but not when it is at the expense of my relationships. The new ambition includes emotional intelligence and the ability to be with and work with others on our way to meeting our goals. That for me, has been the only way to do it.

 

Fighting fibro is my new ambition. I am going to be relentless in this battle and I am going to do whatever it takes to get better and better every single day. Ambitious? You bet! I am working as hard at this as any work project I have taken on. I plan on a high degree of sucess, an A+, a signed contract, a raise, a promotion, an office with a view a degree, or any other measure of success I can apply. There is everything to gain and nothing to lose. All the things I'm doing are contributing to my overall health and the least of what I   will gain is a healthy body, with no additional untreated conditions. So the worst case scenario is I'll be a very healthy person with fibro. Not too shabby. So I am committed and ambitious. I am more than five months into this and I like where it's heading. 

Day 155 - Extremes Set Me Back

This morning I woke up absolutely freezing. It was eleven degrees outside and only fifty-seven in the house! Fifty-seven!!! The furnace mal-functioned again and when I say it was cold - it was really cold. I woke up at about four thirty in the morning and I couldn't even clear my head enough to get up out of bed and do something about being cold. I kept trying to fall back to sleep and I could do that for a bit, but then I would wake up up shivering again. Finally I got up and figured out what was going on. Trust me, figuring out that the furnace wasn't working didn't make me any warmer.

 

I just hate to feel cold. Once I get cold it seems to take forever to warm up again. If I'm in my car driving and my hands get chilled it takes at least an hour or two before I lose that numb, frozen feeling. If I'm on the couch at the end of the day I need my snuggly slipper boots and a throw to wrap around me, even if I'm sitting right next to the fire. During the frigid days of winter, my face feels like a frozen slab of meat, my eyes tear and my toes feel like little breakfast sausages that were just popped out of the freezer. But even though I complain in the winter about the cold, I'm not much of a fan of the summer heat either.

 

I remember taking a "wellness" trip to Sedona, Arizona with my massage therapist. We went in August and the highest temperature was 113 degrees. It was HOT! When I told my friends back east they always said, but it's a dry heat, right? My response - an oven is dry heat too, but if I stick my head in there, it's still going to be darned HOT. While on my trip I drank gallons of water and stayed in at the peak of the heat each day. I felt exhausted whenever I ventured outside, but I wanted to take advantage of everything that region had to offer. Thanks goodness for air conditioning and the pool! Both kept me going. Extremes in weather are not my friend, and it's up to me to find strategies that help me to cope with the climate I'm in. It's just one more aspect of this annoying and ridiculous disorder. And it's only sixty-three days until spring!

Day 154 - Some Days it Feels Good to be Tired!

I love, love, love, a busy day at work. Today went by in a flash and it felt exhilarating and productive. I'm rarely bored (make that never bored) at work. Even if the task I'm working on isn't the most challenging or interesting, the people I work with make it a great work day. When problems come up we work together. We don't always agree and it doesn't damage our work relationship because our connection to one another isn't fragile. Jokes fly and there is always laughter. Lunch time is a time for us to catch up on life details and inevitably we get back to talking about the work that we're involved with. It's a super experience to be around smart and enthusiastic people who are excited about what they do. We energize each other.

 

I have become somewhat of an observer of my own life - I like to take a step back and see what I'm doing and how it's working for me. Sometimes I'm pleased with what I see unfolding and other times I can clearly see that a word spoken, or a choice made could have been better. I can sense when I am in over my head with commitments I've made or when I have done one too many things in a given period of time. I also know that when I am in certain situations my adrenaline starts pumping and I become fully engaged and I move full speed ahead, even if I should be pacing myself better. I see what I'm doing and I know that there are times I throw caution to the wind and just throw myself into what is in front of me.

 

When observe myself in the middle of a situation or experience that is going to tax my energy reserves I have to have a good reason for moving forward. When I knowingly and consciously plow through my limitations, it is because the experience gives me a sense of purpose, or strength, or connection. I have made plans to go somewhere special and nearly canceled them because I felt crummy, but then got a burst of energy and wound up having a great time. I've been to weddings where I could barely put myself together to get there, but had a great time once I was around my friends or relatives. I know the value of pacing myself and I know the downside of overdoing, but work days like today are worth every morsel of energy I expended. It felt wonderful to sit around the table and tussle through the plans, dreams, visions and challenges we face. Right now I am feeling beat and I don't really care if I'm tired tomorrow. Today was a fabulous day and I was part of the action.

Day 153 - This or Something Better

Day 153 - This or Something Better

 

This or something better. That's my prayer when things are changing and I'm feeling unsure of the outcome. That little prayer is an affirmation I use to keep me feeling balanced and optimistic. When something isn't working out the way I thought it would, I let go and ask that it remain as good as it is now and if it has to change then to please, make it something better. When I was dating my hubby, we went through a period where we weren't ready for where our relationship was taking us. We took a break that lasted almost a year. I knew I wanted the relationship to work out but I had no idea if we would get back together or not. So during that year my prayer was for us to be together. So my prayer was for what we had or something better. 

 

Last night I got a phone call that my the fibro center in NY is closed. I was told I could go to Pennsylvania or Connecticut to continue my treatment. I was upset and afraid that I would lose my wonderful Lady Doc. I do believe that everything happens for a reason even if the reason isn't evident in the moment. I took a deep breath and started affirming, this or something better, this or something better. I continue to learn that I must accept things that are beyond my control (even if it takes a little while and I sometimes indulge in some whining and a bit of complaining along the way). I need to recognize when I can make a change happen and then decide what I can do to make things better. I can't re-open the center so what I do know is that I have three choices - stay with my Lady Doc outside of the fibro center, go to Connecticut or go to Philadelphia. After thinking through those options I know that the decision I made is even better for me than being with the Long Island Center.

 

I am a person who needs to trust my doctor and I have bounced around from doctor to doctor too many times to want to go looking again. I have absolute confidence in my Lady Doc and I know that she is the best one to lead me to wellness. So I am going to stay with her. I appreciate that there are issues I know little about with the fibro center closing. I have to say that my experience with the fibro center has been only positive, from my doc to the folks in the office, to the nurse available to me for my questions, to the website and all the products and supplements that have been re-building my health. I would have preferred that things remained the same, but if my prayer is answered this will be better for me. My Lady Doc's office is easier to get to than the fibro center was and I think my insurance will kick in to cover more of my medical expenses. I am on this road to recovery and there is nothing that will stop my commitment to working on my health. I'm in it for the long whole and my Lady Doc is my partner in health. This or something better is my prayer.

 

 

 

Day 152 - I've Got the Skill but Not the Will

It was a pretty uneventful day and I feel good that I made it through and got done what I needed to do. I don't want to have to go out tomorrow because we're expecting another huge snow storm. Luckily for me, it's going to be a day to relax and watch the snow fall. My hubby did a little grocery shopping so we are ready to hunker down and wait out this next big storm. I just love these snow days when everything just grinds to a halt. I do believe that snow days may be winter's singular redeeming quality. Summer doesn't give us that kind of day off. In the summer the crummy weather just means I'm going to get wet and my umbrella is going to turn inside out! Yep, a snow day is a very good thing.

Driving in this kind of weather is something I don't like to do. I've had my share of driving in the wind and driving snow, and feeling like I was in a swirling white tunnel without being able to see much other than my snow encrusted windshield wipers. I remember trips when I was hunched over the steering wheel of my car trying to see where I was going; shoulders raised, arms tense, and my fingers in a death grip on the steering wheel. I remember the stress of having trucks and faster cars swerving around me on a highway and watching cars spin out of control. On the other side, I also remember being a teenager and making my car skid in a big empty parking lot when no one else was around. It was fun to test my skills and limits and I always felt safe experimenting that way. I've got the skill to drive in the snow - i just don't want to do it any more, ever again! That kind of stress just eats up my energy.and I'd rather spend it on something else.

I am very fortunate that I have a job that doesn't force me out in the terrible cold and blustery weather. I had some blood work done this morning and the technicians were all saying that they are expected to be at work tomorrow, even if there are blizzard conditions. I got to thinking how much I appreciate all of the folks who take care of me and the rest of us in my community, especially in harsh times. Stores are open so people can get food and medicines. Physicians and nurses also take their life in their hands, driving to work on treacherous roads, so they can help others. Round the clock, road crews are salting and clearing the roads. The utility companies are available to restore lost power and all of these folks are working straight through the storm to keep my community safe and operating. Police officers and EMTs are available to come to the rescue when needed and they are at the ready even in this terrible weather. So many people give up their comforts for me and I am appreciative and thankful. When I'm back out and about after the storm I am going to be sure to thank each person I come in contact with that braved the storm so they could be of service to others. Saying thanks is the least I can do.

Day 151 A Day with Fibro is Like A.....

There are lots of analogies that describe a typical day with fibro.  It's like body surfing and riding a wave - sometimes you catch a good wave and you can ride it right to the shore. You might catch a wave that just carries you for a few minutes then leaves you half-way to where you wanted to land. Or maybe you hang around waiting for the water to lift and carry you, but you're stuck in one spot. Maybe it's like a wind-up toy, it goes fast and crazy at the start of the wind-up but it quickly winds down and brings then comes to a sudden stop. If it's over-wound, instead of taking it further, it won't even start. It's got nothing. Maybe fibro is like a roller coaster because the highs are high and sometimes the dips comes fast and unexpectedly. Some of the dips last a while and so do some of the highs. Or maybe it's like my electric toothbrush. I plug it in and expect it to run for a certain amount of time, but I've never really figured out how long that charge will last.

What I am trying to say is that when a person deals with fibro and chronic fatigue, energy comes in short bursts, is difficult to predict. and even more difficult to determine how long it will last. Today was a pretty typical day for me. I woke up at my regular time and stayed in bed for a little while so my body could adjust to being awake. These few minutes have helped to reduce my morning stiffness and I am less likely to want to climb right back into bed after just a small part of my morning routine is finished. I allow my body to wake up slowly and I stretch and spend a few minutes in relaxation and then set my intentions for the day. Does starting slowly guarantee I will have a good morning? Not necessarily - but it is part of a routine that I think will help in the long run. I had just one errand to run today and I did that mid-morning. While I was out I started to feel myself getting tired so I finished things up and headed home.

I had a bit of lunch and then headed to my room to rest. I spent the afternoon working on getting my energy back. It didn't work very well. By late afternoon I was even less energized than I felt on my errand, so I took a short nap. Now I'm up and feeling okay. My vision has been blurred most of the day and that's usually a sign that I am fatigued. It was a busy, but productive and happy weekend. Today I am back on the roller coaster, riding my wave, getting wound up over things that inspire me and getting myself plugged into whatever energy source is going to get me through - good food, my vitamins and supplements, rest, and of course the energy that comes from feeling connected and engaged in my life.

Day 150 - Looking Ahead to Brighter Tomorrows

I know it's almost eight months away, but I have my vacation plans made for the end of next summer. My hubby and I will be spending a week at the beach with my daughter and already, I can't wait! I love the idea of being near the water, lazing the days away, looking to catch a breeze, walking down to the local ice cream parlor or sitting and watching the waves break. I look forward to the warm and to the relaxed, to some familiar places we've been and maybe a few we haven't discovered yet. What I look forward to most of all is that I will have completed this planned year of recovery. I will start my vacation just a week or so after I've completed my 365 Days. I see myself at the end of next summer feeling vibrant and alive, healthy and rested, alert and busy doing the things I love to do.

 

The idea of picturing myself all well and healed is very appealing to me. Its kind of like putting myself out there as a picture of health and then growing into that picture. I'll begin by seeing myself healthy and functioning the way I used to - excited, enthusiastic, busy and filled with energy. My eyes bright and clear, standing tall and with some pep in my step. I will continue to work with my Lady Doc with meds and supplements, I'll eat the right foods, get regular sleep, avoid over-doing it and I'll stay on top of what's new  in the fields of fibro and fatigue so I can make good decisions about my treatment plan.

 

My overall goal is to be healthier than I would have been without a plan and to maximize the possibility that I can be as healthy as I've ever been. Research says there is no cure for fibro or chronic fatigue. That's okay. I still plan to regain every tiny bit of what I've lost and then some. Will I reach my goal? Maybe I will and maybe I won't. I won't know until I've tried and what I can be sure of is that I am making my best effort. I am staying positive, pro-active and hopeful. I have a doctor I trust and a family that supports me. I have friends that care and co-workers who are my partners. Even though I have fibro I have a wonderful life. I have more blessings than I can count and I feel optimistic about my tomorrows.

Day 149 - Today I Messed Up, but What's Done is Done

Uh, oh. I think I overdid it today. I didn't mean to but I just got caught up in some "have to's" and before I knew it the day got away from me. It started with a meeting this morning that was postponed from yesterday because of the snow. It was a great meeting and I came out of it feeling energized and enthusiastic. I got home and looked around at what needed to be done to get the house completely back in order after the holiday and I just wanted to get it behind me. So I dug in and got it finished

 

After that I realized I had to get my meds organized for the week and that takes a while, plus I am planning a trip so I had to get all of my renewals and re-orders in place. So now that's done. My brother-in-law just arrived from Oregon for a visit and I went into the spare room to make sure it was in order and realized that the sheets on the bed were a size too big (so much for getting help with household chores) so I had to re-make the bed which I hadn't planned on. It was just one thing after another. Add to that, answer a few phone calls, get ready for tomorrow's meeting and fold some laundry. So much for pacing.

 

So, how do I know it was too much? Because I am in pain and I'm beat. I have been pretty good these past weeks at pacing myself and I sure notice it when I've done too much. What concerns me is that I have to work again tomorrow (because of the snow) and I have a very busy week coming up. I've mapped out my week so each day doesn't have too much in it, but there isn't a day that can give me a breather. The one thing I notice is when I get all fired up and happy about something, is that energy just carries me through the day and that's when I am most likely to overdo it. I was a energized today, but I used up every bit of my reserve. What's done is done. I messed up and tomorrow I plan to do better .

Day 148 - I Just Never Know What's Coming Next

This year is barely a week old and I feel like I am on a roller coaster. I go from good, to great, to terrible, back to just fine, thank you very much. I like the idea of being on an even keel, but it seems that there is always something going on that creates the ups and downs.  I know that I choose how to react to the events in my life - but let's face it - some of what goes on in life is pretty terrific and other parts are just really hard to accept and handle. Last night a dear friend passed away after a short stay in the hospital. It was shocking and completely unexpected. This was on the heels of wonderful meetings all day at my office that were preparing us for some really exciting projects this year. The day before it was the blood test results that kind of caught me off guard. So it was low - high - low, then today where I am somewhere in-between.

 

I am one of those people that expresses emotions fairly freely and my strategy with difficult times is to look whatever is facing me straight on, then deal with it. I am not someone who can hide my feelings or pretend that I feel one way when I feel another. That's part of the reason a week like this has been so difficult. I get happy, excited and energized by the good stuff and ride that wave as long as I can. I've been known to break into a happy dance when I am tickled by something good that's happening in my life. I've also been known to curl up on the corner of my couch with a box of tissues and just cry something out. Sometimes my tears are a wonderful elixir that can help to cleanse my fear, worry, or sadness and clear my emotional pain. Other times my tears are simply an expression of my current emotion and do little to help me feel better. 

 

Life is sure complicated. We deal with every imaginable circumstance and many of those situations happen without any preparation or warning. We never know when we wake up in the morning if the day will bring a high, a low, or some combination of both. The things that happen to us every-day-people require us to be brave and strong, sensitive and expressive. They give us the opportunity to express gratitude and to show appreciation to the people around us who lend their support and caring. None of us escapes these every day challenges - ups and downs at work, stresses handling the kids, a spat with a spouse. Then there are the bigger challenges - family illness, financial crisis, aging parents or even death. To balance that out, there is an endless list of unexpected joys and blessings that come our way and that give us pure joy, laughter, love and feelings of deep satisfaction. The fabric of my life is rich. This was a week with a wide range of emotions. But through it all, the ups and the downs have settled. I'm still very sad about my friend's passing, but I'm feeling grounded and supported by the people I care about and who care for me.

Day 147 - Did I Just Hear You Say I Chose This?

I will never know why I am living with fibro and maybe that's a useless question for me, anyway.  A more useful question might be to ask how I might make the most of the situation I'm in. Trying to figure out if I had a negative thought or an angry emotion that triggered this isn't very helpful. Nor is reviewing every morsel of food I've put in my mouth or blaming a too busy schedule or the stresses of a wacky childhood and my messy divorce. I'm no expert on this stuff, but I absolutely do not believe any of us consciously caused or chose our fibro. But certainly there are circumstances that each of us experienced that allowed fibro to express itself in us. Those experiences were just part of the daily fabric of my life, but they all add up to exactly where I am today - I can start with heredity! Now that I am living with fibro I can consider how my emotions can support my wellness or how my choices can be more healthful but looking back doesn't serve me today.

When I look at suffering I can see that it gives each of us an opportunity to rise to a higher level of being. If no one is ever sick how do we learn to heal or be a caregiver or a supportive friend? If no one every says that they are angry - how do we know how to make a situation better, resolve a disagreement or find common ground in our points of view? If everything is always easy how do we get to be strong or perseverant or determined? Sometimes the greatest challenges we face are our greatest spiritual gifts, even if we don't think so at that moment. Would I choose this if I had a conscious choice? The answer is a no-brainer. Of course I wouldn't choose this.

What I do know for sure is that I do not know a single individual who has never been sick or had a problem or cried over a lost love. I have  known and do know many wonderfully spiritual and religious individuals who deal with the same things I do. We all get sick at some point and the truth is that we all die. No one escapes the trials and tribulations of being human. So when somebody gets all preachy with me and tells me that I chose this condition I just smile. I think to myself that maybe on some high and lofty spiritual level I put myself in this place, in this condition, and at this time, because I am just one piece in a giant puzzle and who knows the mysteries of the soul anyway? My lessons are other peoples' lessons. I learn from you and grow through knowing you and sharing your struggle. We do the best we can at any given moment. When we know better we do better. We all make mistakes, we get sick, we struggle and we prevail. We are all perfectly imperfect.

Day 146 - Well Isn't That Just a Kick in the Head

Today was the day I went over the results of my recent blood work with my Lady Doc. To say I was shocked by the results is putting it mildly. An infectious blood panel turned up a couple of nasty infections lurking in this ole body of mine - one bacterial and one viral. I don't like this one bit. I especially don't like that I've been to so many doctors INCLUDING an infectious disease specialist and not a single one of them ever did a blood test to see if there was something going on in addition to my fibro and fatigue. As a matter of fact, the infectious disease specialist treated me like a slab of meat and told me I needed to see a sleep doctor because I was sleep deprived. Well, I was sleep deprived - but he never even suggested that we look for something else - and he was the specialist!

I don't have any idea of how long these bugs have been floating around in my body. I do know that whatever I have done to try to manage my fibro and fatigue it has gotten progressively worse. Each year I seem to feel less and less well than I did the year before, and each year I find myself more limited than I used to be. I suppose it doesn't matter how long this has been around but I want it GONE! I have been working so hard on this recovery process and I want to see some results. Today felt like a bit of a setback. I got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that we found the hidden infections. The bad news is that I have hidden infections. I'm still a little numb and shocked at how high my numbers were on these tests. My Lady Doc called them alarming. From my perspective I would have to agree.

So where do we go from here? Well, I start treatment immediately for the bacterial infection and after that starts to turn around we'll work on the other. From what I can gather, a person can get pretty sick from the treatment of these infections and I just hate the thought of going backward. My Doc's plan is to minimize the probability of that. I planned on taking some time away from the cold and this may just be the perfect time to pamper myself a bit. I've got to pull myself together and use my emotional, mental, spiritual and physical strength to take this on. I've called in my support system have gotten wonderful emotional nurturing. Tonight I'm going to say an extra prayer for protection and healing and I will send a prayer out to everyone else who is grappling with a condition that gets in the way of their full expression. I used to say I'm a lover, not a fighter - but I think for now I'll be both!

Day 145 - Today I Finished Strong

When I got up this morning I wasn't sure I was going to make it into work. It was a really slow start and I sat down multiple times while I was getting ready. I had a good night's sleep but that didn't seem to make this morning any easier. Most mornings start off a little shaky but by now I know myself well-enough to know if things are going to improve or if it's just going to be another lost day. So I trusted my instincts and just kept doing whatever was next. It may seem strange to have to take rest periods just from the effort of getting ready in the morning, but that's just the way it is for me.

 

One of the things that happens on a rough morning like this one, is that it takes me so long to get out of the house. In addition to doing all the stuff ladies to do feel put together, I make sure to take my meds and have breakfast before I step out of the door. It would only work against me not to do those things when I am already low on energy. I am so grateful that my job has flexibility and I don't have to fly out the door at the crack of dawn the way so many folks do each day. If that was what I had to do, I wouldn't be working. I arrived at the office a little later than I wanted to and got right down to work. There is a lot going on and we just had over a week off, so there was a lot on my plate. That's okay because I love what I do.

 

As the day went on I could feel my momentum building and I was able to shake off the morning fog. It was close to lunchtime when I finally felt my head clear. I met with a couple of folks in the morning and found my talk got all mixed up and I wasn't able to explain myself as clearly as I intended to. We kind of laughed it off, but I feel embarrassed and annoyed when I  am confused and unclear. I wound up working longer than I thought I would and returned home feeling really good about my day. One of the characteristics of fibro and fatigue is not knowing how I'm going to feel each day, or even at different times of the day Today I finished strong, then I came home and got comfy on the couch and rested up to do it all again.

Day 144 - A Day to Replenish My Energy

Yesterday I started putting away all of the holiday decorations and I made good progress with my hubby's help. I was good about quitting before I got too tired, but I have to admit I don't like the chaos that is left behind while I'm in the middle of that kind of project. I really wanted to keep going, but I did stop before I was finished. Most of the boxes are up in the attic, but there are a few yet to be filled. And even though the holiday things are packed away, the things that usually filled those spaces are still boxed and need to be arranged. This in-between time is kind of messy and I want my house back in order. I'd like to wave a magic wand and have it all done.

 

I thought I didn't do too much yesterday, but I guess I did. Today was a couch day and I didn't want it to be. It wasn't a huge crash, but every time I got up it was clear that I needed to sit back down. So today was not productive in terms of getting "stuff" done, but it was important as a day of replenishing my energy. I haven't slept well the past couple of nights and I think that is impacting me today, too. After being off this past week, I can see that not working is easier on my body. But I am not ready to give up my work. Tomorrow morning may or may not be a bit of a struggle, but I will do my best to take care of myself in a way that gets me through the day in the healthiest way.

 

When I am in a slump I am working to pay attention to what turns it around. Today nothing did. I took all of my meds and supplements and I ate healthy foods all day. I drank my water and avoided the foods on my stay-away-from list. I took a short nap this afternoon but didn't wake up feeling refreshed. So it's clear that this day was meant for recuperation and that's how I used it. I am in tune with my body and it is calling the shots these days but I plan that it will not always be so. One of these days I plan to turn the corner and start to really feel the results of my efforts. I have noticed that I don't crash as severely as I used to and that's a really big deal. Today was a tired day - but not that sick nasty tired that can overcome me. I think that is real progress and in this new year I am going to keep heading toward that kind of progress.

Day 143 - Living Small and Dreaming Big

My best friend's childhood home is for sale so I got to go online and take a peek at what the house looks like today, inside and out. We lived down the street from each other as kids, and lived in a very sweet little neighborhood with a row of houses on each side of the street - all exactly the same. The only difference between our houses is they are mirror images of each other. The houses were tiny, but they didn't feel small when we were growing up. There was plenty of room to be kids. We spent lots of time outside and in the woods behind the houses, as well as spending time in the recreation room (now called the family room). It was an ideal place to grow up.

 

I'm not sure I'm such a big fan of everything being bigger and (therefore assumed to be) better. Happiness doesn't come by the square foot and a fat wallet doesn't guarantee that it will be a good life. Of course we all strive to be financially secure and to be able to provide well for our families. But how much is too much? Big requires a lot of upkeep and better and better just costs more. Why does the car in my driveway have to be the biggest on the block or the most expensive? I'm not sure that for me, it does. Growing up, our little house in our little town wasn't the cause of my parents'  fractured relationship or the source of my brother's mental illness. Living in a modest house in a tiny neighborhood didn't create any of my difficulties - I never even thought about wanting more than what we had because living small didn't mean I couldn't dream big. I never felt deprived living in that small place.

 

When I looked at the pictures of the rooms in that old house, I could picture where things were when I lived in my parent's house, so many years ago. I could picture exactly where our phone was on the kitchen counter and I could picture our furniture against each of the walls. The pictures of the house for sale showed lots of tender loving care went into maintaining that home. Growing up, my house wasn't very homey - it was always in chaos either emotionally or with "stuff' where it didn't belong. But, for whatever reason, I still have a good feeling about my old neighborhood. I'm all grown up and I have my own home and it's a place of refuge for me and my family. The house my kids grew up in was much bigger than mine as a kid, but regardless of its size, I want them to remember the love that was there and the happy memories we made together. After all, that's what makes a house a home.  

Day 142 - Bringing Good Stuff Forward and Leaving Bad Stuff Behind

There are things about this past year that I am going to bring into the new one - all the things that make me happy are coming along. All the people that are dear and wonderful are coming along, too. I am bringing my  plan for better health and my enthusiasm for my work and my interests. I am bringing my faith, my strength, my optimism and my determination. I am bringing my sense of wonder and my curiosity. I am also going to bring my love of nature and belief in miracles. I am going to bring love and compassion for my fellow man and my participation in organizations that do good in the world. I am going to bring the best of me.

 

There are some things I want to leave behind as well - like my grumpy moods and my feelings of frustration and discouragement, my tendency toward disorganization and my forgetfulness. I want to leave my migraines behind as well as all of the other aches and pains that annoy me and slow me down. I am going to leave behind sleepless nights and morning fog as well as my crashes and bad days with fibro. I am going to leave everything behind that drained my energy rather than replenishing it. I will leave behind any and all grudges or disagreements that weren't worth the effort in the first place and I am going to leave behind any bad habits or not-so-bad habits that don't serve me.

 

It's a new year and I was awake to bring it in. It was meaningful to me to be in that moment and to welcome in a year that has to be better than the one that just ended. I am going to pay attention this year and be fully present. I am given only one moment at a time, with no guarantees. I am committed to making the most of every moment given to me in this new and wonderful year.