The first migraine I remember having was right after I finished high school. I was on a first date with a new fella. We were going for a ride up to the mountains and then going out to dinner. I was wearing a pink dress and he was driving a convertible Corvette. I remember forgetting my sunglasses but not wanting to make a big deal of it. After a couple of hours with the sun beating down on my head I got a headache to beat all headaches. I was trying to pretend I was fine because I liked the guy and I didn't want to seem to be a complainer. By the time he got me home I could barely crawl into bed. I thought my brain would explode, but I didn't tell anyone. I suffered in silence.
When I was growing up, it was not a good thing in my house to be sick. My parents never got along very well and the sick-kid-at-home thing was a huge bone of contention between them Us kids were stuck in the middle of their battle. My mother was way too focused on every symptom I had, and because of that I missed an average of forty-plus days of school each year in elementary school. Some years it was well over fifty days. It made my father furious when one of us kids stayed home from school so as I got older I learned to pretend I felt fine, even when I didn't. He thought every symptom was faked and to this day I still feel at least a little bit guilty when I'm out sick or I'm having a bad day. When I was in ninth grade I went to school with a raging sore throat and a fever. I finally gave in and went to the school nurse. She didn't believe I was sick and sent me back to gym class. I went home after school, went to the doctor the next day and was out of school for three weeks with a strep throat and rheumatic fever.
Last week I visited an infectious disease specialist and one of his first questions to me was, are you seeing a psychiatrist? Are you frickin kidding me? Man, I was right back there as a twelve year old feeling like my father thought I was faking. I quickly got myself back together and then I must have given the guy a look that could melt paint because he immediately apologized. Too late, doc, you blew it, lost all credibility and I knew in that instant I would never set foot back in that office. I have had a migraine every single morning for the past week and I appreciate that my hubby has been supportive, and he certainly believes me. I don't fake my pain, my tiredness, my blurry vision or my insomnia. I don't skew my own blood test results or my blood pressure. I am honest with myself about how I'm feeling, even if I don't share every ache and pain with the people around me. My family of origin did not create a healthy atmosphere for dealing with illness. Having a condition like fibro and fatigue challenges me to grow emotionally and spiritually so I can leave behind the mixed messages and guilt from back when I was a kid and deal with my situation feeling calm and confident.
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