Today was an important day for me at work. A colleague shared that the people on my team are concerned about me and my health and also that I have made some mistakes at work that I didn't even realize I made. My team hesitated to speak with me about the situation because they didn't want to hurt my feelings or cause me additional stress. I'm a strong woman and I encouraged my colleague to tell me whatever was going on and being said. I very much appreciate the courage it took to talk to "the boss" about a sensitive issue and to be clear about where I messed up. It seems that my memory is more of a problem than I thought and my ability to follow through on plans has suffered as well, partly because of my limited working hours and partly because I just don't have the concentration and focus I used to have. I want and need to remain effective in my leadership position, so I have taken a step back and I am looking at what is best for me and for my organization.
As much as I agree that the conversation about my role needed to happen, and I am more than willing to re-define my role, this feels like more loss to me and it makes me sad. I have given up my college teaching, my consulting work and much of the day-to-day operations of my business. Many of the changes I've made in my role have been about succession planning but another entire chunk I can directly relate to my fibro and fatigue. I want to be relevant, impactful, effective and reliable. I want do the work I love and continue to do it well. I want the people I work with to trust me and my judgement. My vision, planning and leadership have not been called into question, but I am just not good at working with details or in situations that demand too much of my energy. It's time to let go. So, I wrote a letter to each person on my management team and apologized for any additional work I caused for them. I made a promise to them and to myself that I will avoid putting myself in a position where my lack of focus or poor memory could cause additional problems. I will live up to that promise.
My feelings were not hurt by having a conversation about my difficulties at work and I appreciated that the truth was not sugar coated. I needed integrity and authenticity in our exchange. When I lose entire chunks of information from my awareness it is indeed a telling component of my condition and one that is important for me to address. I can't fix what I don't see. I shared that I felt like a kid with ADD, except ADD drugs don't fix my problem and that I don't want my challenges to impact the success of our organization. My goal is to find a way to stay involved so that the people I work with don't have to do any damage control. My condition is humbling and I must admit that I don't like dealing with it very much at all. But, it's where I am today. My own self-awareness and the support of those around me will keep me on track. So with God's Grace I will move forward, find my place, and be thankful that I can still find a way to contribute to my community doing work that I love.
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