Day 346 - Down and Out but Not Over and Done

Years ago I started saying I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. It's been one of those days. I am feeling a bit discouraged because this summer has been rough. My fatigue is getting in my way a lot more than I can accept and although I am doing whatever I can to make things better, I am sick of it all. I'm not depressed and I am not giving up. I am just taking a few minutes to complain and feel a bit sorry for myself. I figure I can indulge a bit of negativity every now and then and if I purge those feelings by talking them through or writing them down, they will pass more quickly. Denying my down days doesn't make much sense. I have had plenty of down days that have had absolutely nothing to do with fibro or fatigue and I got through them. This is no different. It's just the combination of sick, tired and down is just rough.

 

I wanted to do something today instead of just hang around feeling tired and grumpy. It was a beautiful summer day - not as hot as it's been - so getting out of the house was a good idea. I headed for a little antique shop that I like, and then I went over to visit with my daughter for a little while. It was enough to break my mood for a while, but once I got back home I felt myself go back down in the dumps. I walked the dog thinking that a bit of exercise would be good for me. The exercise was good for my body, but my mood still feels stuck. I am caught up in thinking about this hidden viral infection that was diagnosed and still not treated. I just don't know what to do. There is a chance that it can't or won't be treated and that means things will stay as they are. That will require another level of acceptance for me.

 

I have always planned on feeling remarkably better after focusing so intently on my recovery, and maybe that was just an unrealistic expectation. But, hope is what has moved me forward and kept me on track and I am not willing to give up. So far I have trusted my instincts and I think I have made good wellness choices.  It's easier to think things through when I am feeling calm and focused. But a down mood clouds things a bit and I don't make my best decisions when I am feeling pessimistic. I understand that moods come and go and I'm not particularly concerned with having a couple of down days, even though I don't like the way they feel. Last night I had a series of bad dreams so I know I am feeling ambivalent and concerned over the decision I have to make about treatment. So I am focused on doing the things I know how to do to keep myself on an even keel and I expect in a day or so I'll be feeling like my old upbeat self again.