I think I've been replaced by my dog. It used to be that an evening spring walk was something my hubby and I enjoyed. We'd head out together and walk hand-in-hand, chatting about our day or just quietly enjoy each other's company. Now when it's time to go walking he doesn't even ask me to go along - he just goes with the dog while I "rest" at home. I'm noticing the signs of spring and I want to be outside enjoying the warmer temperatures and sunshine like we had today. Instead I am stuck on the couch, and increasingly frustrated with my energy level. I am more than seven months into my treatment and I had hoped for much more than what I have accomplished. Today was another lost day and I am annoyed and discouraged. It's Sunday and a perfect day to go to the park or take a long walk and I'm stuck at home, yet again. I want to exercise more and be more active, but I'm just not there yet.
There is a looming question that has been hanging unanswered - what if things don't get better? What if this is it? What if I can't do more than I'm doing and my husband and I are stuck with this limited me? There are times when I wonder what he is really thinking and feeling. Even though he tells me he's fine and he just wants the best for me, he has to be asking himself what the heck he signed up for. I know he loves me and I know about the "in sickness and in health" part of our vows, but I never thought about sickness as a permanent condition and I bet he never did either. When people get sick, they take medicine and they get better. I'm not better. Therefore, my hubby is living a different life and a different marriage than what he planned and so am I. Having fibro redefines everything.
I know I am dealing with my own feelings of discouragement and I'm imagining what my hubby must be feeling. He has been wonderful and supportive, but it must be boring and lonely for him when I am unavailable and he has to rely on the dog for company. Our socializing has been reduced to time with family and a few close friends and as we get older, I worry that it is not enough. I also worry that I am holding my spouse back from a better life and I feel guilty about that. Most of the time, I am upbeat and optimistic about dealing with fibro and my hopes for some kind of a recovery. Today, for some reason, I'm not so optimistic. Moods change and feelings shift so I'm planning on a better day tomorrow.
There is a looming question that has been hanging unanswered - what if things don't get better? What if this is it? What if I can't do more than I'm doing and my husband and I are stuck with this limited me? There are times when I wonder what he is really thinking and feeling. Even though he tells me he's fine and he just wants the best for me, he has to be asking himself what the heck he signed up for. I know he loves me and I know about the "in sickness and in health" part of our vows, but I never thought about sickness as a permanent condition and I bet he never did either. When people get sick, they take medicine and they get better. I'm not better. Therefore, my hubby is living a different life and a different marriage than what he planned and so am I. Having fibro redefines everything.
I know I am dealing with my own feelings of discouragement and I'm imagining what my hubby must be feeling. He has been wonderful and supportive, but it must be boring and lonely for him when I am unavailable and he has to rely on the dog for company. Our socializing has been reduced to time with family and a few close friends and as we get older, I worry that it is not enough. I also worry that I am holding my spouse back from a better life and I feel guilty about that. Most of the time, I am upbeat and optimistic about dealing with fibro and my hopes for some kind of a recovery. Today, for some reason, I'm not so optimistic. Moods change and feelings shift so I'm planning on a better day tomorrow.
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