Something good is happening. I've noticed that this week I have had more energy than usual. I'm not sure if it's the beginning of the end of winter, but I have been waking up a bit earlier than I had been and I have had more energy to get things done during the day. Monday I got involved in a project in the house and I worked longer than I had planned. I thought, no problem, I'll rest a bit more on Tuesday to make up for it. Tuesday came along and it was a more complicated day than it was supposed to be. I didn't get to sit down until after dinner time. Oops. My thought - I'll rest after work on Wednesday. So, today it was supposed to be work, then home, but my daughter was sick and needed my help so there went that idea. The good news is - I'm okay! I did draw the line at visiting my brother tonight at the nursing home. That will wait until Friday.
It may sound silly, but I get excited by three good days in a row! Those days when I can do what I want to do when I want to do it are precious to me. I feel optimistic and energized by being energized. It feels wonderful to wake up to sunshine in the morning and feel as if I can take on my day. After so many weeks of feeling limitation and frustration I get almost giddy at the thought of feeling well and capable. I've missed me and I've seen a glimmer of that old, happily busy, me. I know, I know, don't push it, pace myself, don't over do it - I get those messages loud and clear. But, my energy this week felt clear and real - instead of the more typical adrenaline pushed energy that happens when I am called into action
One of the hardest things about having good days like this is when they are followed by more crummy ones. After each good period I've experienced, I think I've felt more disappointed than the last time when the old fatigue sets in. It is disheartening to see progress slip away. If I have both the emotional and physical energy to draw upon I can manage my pain on good days and really get things done. I continue to work really hard on my attitude to make sure I keep my head clear of distracting and draining thoughts and emotions so I can really enjoy my days. After a few good days I don't dare start to think that this could be permanent, while at the same time I am willing it, with all my heart and soul. I cannot give up hope, and at the same time I have to be real about what I need to do to be well. So I stay in the moment, loving that I've had these good days and wishing for many, many more.
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