Day 44 - So Sensitive

"You're just too sensitive". Sure wish I had a nickel every time I heard that one. From the time I was young I've always had a sensitive side. I was overwhelmed by stories like Old Yeller (but then again, who wasn't), Bambi and Cinderella. I was super-aware of my teacher's connection with me and my grades went up if I felt connected and down if I thought the teacher didn't like me. Grades also went up and down along with chaos in my family or if I was sitting next to someone who wanted to make my life miserable by teasing me. As I got older, a commercial could make me cry and forget about a sad story on the news. Criticism was always tough for me to take, not because I thought I was above it - but because I took it so to heart. I held myself to a ridiculous standard then beat myself up if I didn't reach it. That has gotten better, but other things have taken their place.

Forget scary stuff. There is no way anyone will get me into a movie theatre to watch a horror film, a slasher film or any kind of show that is intended to scare the beejeezus out of me. Once I was in the audience of a Broadway play. I had seen the play before, and I knew what was coming, but I still shrieked and jumped out of my seat when the gunshot was fired. One night we were watching an academy award winning film at home. There was a scene of violence against a child. I was so disturbed, even with just the build-up to it, I turned it off. I couldn't watch. If I see something disturbing, it isn't unusual for me to play it out in a nightmare or two after the event.

Even my body is super-sensitive. I used to love having my cat curl up in my lap. But now, if he moves the wrong way or walks across me it hurts! I wind up pushing him away and then I feel bad that I might have hurt his feelings. It's a no-win on that front. My body is also sensitive to meds and alcohol. There are times that even a sip or two of wine sends me into the sleepies. I feel like I can barely keep my eyes open - pretty embarrassing in a social situation! Other times, I'm just fine. One time I took a med for migraine and I was high as a kite. I started packing every belt I owned to take on a business trip. Not funny (well, maybe a little funny now that I look back on it).

So, I'm sensitive. I get hurt feelings and I recover, I watch my meds and I don't drink too much. I take in criticism and work to learn from it and not feel so attacked. I let the cat lay beside me and I stay away from situations that stress the tender side of me. But every now and then a good cry seems to do the trick. I wash away my emotional gunk,  gather up my resolve, then feel stronger and ready to take on my day.