I was thinking that I miss driving a stick-shift. For as long as I can remember, I had a car that required me to change the gears as I drove. I liked the control on wet and snowy roads and I kind of got a kick out of the feeling of pushing the gears every now and then and hearing the whine of the engine as I pushed the limit. It was cool to drive a stick and I liked the way I felt driving in all kinds of conditions and trusting my vehicle to respond the way I wanted it to. I switched to an automatic on the advice of a physical therapist who was working with me on my "energy conservation" strategies. Just like that, I no longer had to pay attention to my engine - the transmission was in control.
Now, I kind of feel like my whole life has shifted gears. Even though my car is an automatic, I'm no longer on automatic as I go though my days. I am very much aware when my body makes a shift and I am pushing my limits. I have to pay attention to my body and be aware of the subtle shifts that happen during a day. After living with fibro for so long, I can sense when to slow down and when I can move full speed ahead. Some days when I'm pushing, and I know it, but go ahead anyway, my body puts on the brakes and I am stopped, literally, in my tracks and I can't do anything more. I'm back to being in charge of shifting gears and it is giving me a better sense and awareness of my body and my need for strategies to be well.
Maybe I can think of my body as a really fine, but sensitive car - like an old MG or a Triumph. They were fun to drive but they always needed a little bit of adjustment. Some days they got you where you wanted to go, and other days, well, they broke down. If I am going to be well I can accept that this engine of mine is a bit quirky, it's got a lot of miles on it and it may break down every now and then. But I have some tools to start to set things right.I'll just have to spend some time in the shop and get ready for the long and happy trip ahead.
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