When I was in first grade, I took a bite out of another student's Tootsie Roll and got caught. I didn't take the whole thing, just a little nibble. We were playing musical chairs and there it was - peeking out on the edge of the inside of the desk. I could almost taste it. And don't you know - that's the desk where I landed again and again when the music stopped. By about the third time at the desk, I couldn't resist the temptation any longer and I bit it. Just the very end. Just a taste.
I don't know how I got caught - maybe it was the little bits of chocolate between my teeth - but before I knew it there I was in the hall with my teacher, the principal and a student who was part of the school patrol. I remember my face being red with shame and I couldn't explain myself. "Why did you take it? Why? Why? Why?" I felt like I had robbed a whole candy store because the shame and embarrassment over my theft was that big. I was mortified standing in front of my beloved teacher and the school patrol who would see me every day at the corner on my way home.
The degree of shame I felt was certainly not worth a taste of that chocolate. I knew it was wrong - but I thought just a little nip wasn't nearly so bad as taking the whole thing. But that's not how I felt in the end, and to this day I remember how terrible I felt about myself and what I had done. I wish that lesson had stayed with me forever - that I would never mess up again and I would do the right thing every time and have great and expansive wisdom and never hurt another soul for as long as I live. Heavy Sigh. It just doesn't happen that way- for me anyway.
I never feel good after I've messed up and I tend to agonize over what I've done wrong. I look at the situation from all different angles and spend a lot of energy trying to figure it out. I know we all make mistakes and it's impossible to get through life without a few good-sized screw-ups, but I need a better way of putting my mistakes behind me without all the endless guilt and regret. I need to accept responsibility for my error, do what I can to make it right, say "I'm sorry", and then move on. I can choose to put a lot of extra stress on myself for being the very imperfect person I am, or pull myself up and just do better next time. And the next time, and the next.
Ah! How do you do it? How do you always write even the smallest of points so beautifully? I want to comment about the guilt you mention. you see, I know a lot about guilt because I grew up Catholic. About half-way through my life of mental anguished guilt trips, I finally realized that as long as I had learned something from the situation, no matter what it was .. and resolved to TRY to do better .. that I no longer had any reason to feel guilty. Life is a journey of learning and we ALL make mistakes. When we finally 'get it', we usually won't make that same mistake again .. and that leaves us free to move on .. to the next life-learning lesson. ;)
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