Years ago I studied family systems and the basic concept was that when one person in the family is sick (with whatever) the entire family is impacted. I can't even begin to think about how that wouldn't be true. Much of the research had to do with addictions and family dysfunction, but I do believe the same principles apply when talking about a family who has a member dealing with chronic illness or another kind of challenge that takes center stage in the person's life. It's pretty simple, really. If one adult isn't functioning, another adult or family member has to pick up the slack - it doesn't matter why the imbalance is present, what matters is that the family balance is put out of whack and one or more family members are pulling more weight. Lives are changed and characteristics develop when in the midst of learning new coping skills. The new skills may serve us well in the crisis situation, but can set us up for difficulties later when our set of skills is no longer appropriate in a new situation. When one family member is in crisis, everything changes.
I've talked with my hubby any number of times about how he is feeling about dealing with me and my medical issues. He always says he's fine. Yesterday I spent the entire day sleeping – he puttered around the house without me around and made the best of the situation. I rallied enough to help prepare dinner, but I wasn't much company the rest of the day. It has to get tiresome to be the one who has to hold down the fort all the time. This is a holiday weekend and we're not doing much celebrating or socializing. When we ran out to the store, we ran into a couple of friends who are in the same situation we're in. One partner has fibro plus some other undiagnosed conditions that keep her feeling crummy and frequently visiting doctors to get some relief. She was saying the exact same things I've been saying to my hubby about the burden of caring for (or even listening to) a partner who is struggling through a difficult challenge. We both feel badly to have created the burden and wish for our partners to take good care of themselves, despite having to deal with our challenges.
We both have encouraged our partners to take time away from helping us to manage our challenges to have some fun and to socialize without us. My hubby recently visited with his brother on a trip to California. He has also traveled to idyllic St. John in the US Virgin Islands and the state of Oregon to spend time with his brothers, without having to worry about me. I encourage my hubby to attend social events connected with his work and not to worry that I am not included. He spends time with our kids and I am not with him every time and even though I wish I was there, he can't stay home because I am not well. My husband certainly spends lots of time with our dog – walking him, exercising him at the dog park, or signing up for classes with him and those activities keep them both busy and entertained. Anyone coping with a partner or even a child with a chronic condition needs to take care of their own well-being. It's like the advice on the airplane – adults put your own oxygen mask on first. You can't take care of someone else unless you are also tending to your own needs. So, as much as I appreciate being looked after – I fully recognize that there are others priorities in my family that need attention, too.
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