I had another afternoon of friend therapy today. A co-worker stopped by and we had just the loveliest visit. We got caught up with each other's lives and some work stuff, too. I got tired after the visit, but as we chatted I could just feel my stress melting away. I don't know what happens within a friendship between men, but what I do know what happens when women get together. There is something so nurturing and healing about our friendships. We are honest about what is happening in our lives - our joys, our fears, our struggles, our dreams. Our friendships serve us in many ways. We are in a relationship where we can give as well as receive and we can see ourselves in each other and learn how to rise to be our best selves. I don't know what it is, but for me anyway, my stress is always cut in half after a good chat with a dear friend - whether it's a guy friend or one of the special ladies in my life. Women find ways to be together in ways that match where we are in life - mommies with little ones gather and share, we find each other at our kids sporting events and help each other to accept that our kids are growing up and away from us, at the places where we volunteer and share our passion and compassion fro the people we assist, or we go to work each day and help each other to find balance in our lives. We need each other in so many was, and we know it.
For a very long time, the traditional theory about how we respond to stress was described as "fight or flight". Well, that research was based on the study of men's response to stress. And while both genders use fight or flight, when sociologists began studying women they found another kind of reaction that women used that they called "tend or mend". What that means is that when women experience stress, rather than fighting or ignoring as their primary responses, they tend to focus more on building and tending to relationships, and on giving of themselves, as a response to stress. When things aren't going well, a woman wants to fix things by staying engaged rather than just fighting it out or ignoring what's going on. An example might be that after a really stressful day a woman heads into the kitchen and whips up a batch of cupcakes to bring into the office the next morning. Or, she might meet a girlfriend for a cup of coffee after the kids are in bed, and sit together and chat about the day. A young mom might spend a bit more time reading to the kids at bedtime, snuggling close and being extra nurturing as a way to feel better. Any activity that involves tending to others, volunteering, visiting, building connection or intimacy or talking through their issues, at length, help women to deal with their stress.
I am spending a lot of time alone and I don't mind the solitude. I do mind the occasional bouts of loneliness, Spending time alone isn't stressful, but those feelings of loneliness and feeling left out can be. I absolutely must manage my stress as part of my recovery process. I will not get better if I keep beating up my body with stress hormones coursing through my system. I have lots of strategies for managing my stress and on different days and in different circumstances I call on those strategies to get me through, I can simply breathe, do some yoga or stretching, read a book. take a rest, write, watch something funny on TV or on my computer, work on my jewelry, play a game, walk my dog, play with little ones, or my most favorite strategy - tend to my relationships. I am a relationship person - it's what drives me and gives me my greatest joy. The most difficult challenge in managing my health issues is that I don't spend the time I used to with the people I care most about. Here is what I know - if I just reach out, there is always someone there at the end of a phone line, or willing to get together with me in a way that works for both of us. The people I care for know how I feel about them because I tell them. What they may not know is that they are an essential component of my wellness plan. So on top of loving the time we spend together - I have the gift of better health because of our relationship. What an amazing gift.
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