It was quiet today. Almost too quiet. It's interesting how much of my time is taken up by my work. Even when I am home, there is a never ending stream of communication that I really enjoy. The office was closed today for a staff retreat so it was even quieter than usual. I have asked to be taken out of the loop of daily activity but I know I am going to miss being involved. Even on my really bad days I sit with my laptop perched next to me and I spend time browsing or responding to the frequent emails that come my way, Today my mailbox stayed pretty empty and I felt the void. The phone was pretty quiet, too. I will miss the incidental conversations that come with a work day - getting caught up on family news, commenting on a movie or television show, sharing little details that become unimportant if they are not shared immediately. I will miss the joking around, the humor and the feeling of being part of a winning team. What feels best is that it's all waiting for me when I get back.
It felt good to wake up this morning and know I could have a slow start to my day. I need that. By late morning I was coming to life and I was looking for something to do. It was the first day of my medical leave and I had a long day ahead of me. I didn't feel like reading and it wasn't a couch day so I had no interest in daytime television, I didn't feel up to taking on anything that needed a ton of energy, so I headed up to my beading table to see if anything inspired me. I poked around among the colors and textures until I got caught up in stringing some ideas together. I played at my table for a couple of hours and it felt delicious. I have not touched my beads for months and I appreciated having the energy to create and to lose myself in a creative project for a while. It is impossible to be creative when I am sick and miserable. I am hoping to have more days like this while I am at home. I felt productive in a very easy and relaxed way, and I like to feel productive.
Having a job and going to work is something I have always done. I like to work. From the time I was in high school I have had one kind of a job or another. My Dad was very serious about going to work every day and he had a strong work ethic that he communicated to us kids. He had little patience with us being sick and was vocal about his displeasure if we stayed home from school. I have carried that work ethic with me and I also carry his voice in my head when I call in sick. Being home on medical leave is filled with lessons for me. My doctor knows that I can be almost apologetic when I describe that I am feeling sick. She encourages me to stop and just accept that I am having some problems. I need to learn to do that. I apologize to my hubby all the time when I am unable to do what we planned to do, or finish something I started. I need to learn to let myself off the hook. While I am on leave I have a different kind of work to do. I can feel productive when I have given my body a day of rest and nourishment or I can simply enjoy an afternoon of creative exploration with no guilt or need for an apology.
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