My new meds came in the mail this afternoon. I haven't opened the package yet. I guess I just want one more day of my old routine until I have to deal with yet another change. I get confused sometimes about how I can be so committed to getting better and yet so resistant to all the things I have to do, and to give up, to get there. I feel like I want a med vacation and time off from this condition. I'd like to have just a couple of days when I am not popping pills or working on remembering what I'm supposed to do, and when I'm supposed to do it each day, to stay well and to get better. I am tired of pill boxes, and especially tired of choking down a couple dozen pill every day. I would like to wake up and go through an entire day without a single thought about health or wellness. I'd like to take my health for granted and to spend a day doing exactly what I feel like doing and finishing everything I start because I feel well enough to do it.
I know I am very fortunate only to be dealing with fibro and fatigue. These are difficult conditions to manage. But there are people who are just as sick, or certainly sicker, who are coping with life threatening illnesses and would wish to only have what I've got. My daily life is impacted but my life is not threatened. I get that, I get it very clearly, and I give thanks every day that this is all I have to deal with. I think I am feeling frustrated because things have shifted, yet again. I'm now on an antibiotic that is wreaking havoc with my digestive system and I just can't seem to get comfortable. My belly is rumbling, my esophagus is burning and I just feel nauseous. On top of that I am fighting seasonal allergies that are making me miserable. I want to stop sneezing, blowing my nose and rubbing my itchy eyes. I'm taking pills to control all this but they work for a few hours, then their effectiveness tapers off and I am left feeling miserable again. This is getting to be ridiculous.
I used to have a phrase that I played in my head when things started to get crazy. You know those times when it seems that everything that can possibly go wrong does - and it keeps on coming. When I was in that kind of situation I used to simply say, '...and this, too". The phrase was meant to take judgement out of my experience and to just see whatever was happening, as just something else that was happening. Not a good thing, not a bad thing, just a thing. It just is. That is a challenging head space. Most of us (me included) are inclined to judge the situations we are in, but that kind of judgement can really get me stuck. It is challenging to see my circumstance without labeling it as good or bad, hard or easy, fortunate or not. If I can withhold judgement, I can spend my energy dealing with my situation rather than planning my big ole pity party. I have vented, and tomorrow is a new day. I will continue to do what I need to do. Period.
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