I was supposed to be away on vacation last week. My hubby was attending a conference in San Francisco and I was supposed to go along with him. We typically take our vacation in the spring and this year we didn't go away over spring break because we had planned on this trip. I love San Francisco and Marin County, which is just over the Golden Gate Bridge. I visited there years ago with work and loved the entire area and especially an enchanted place called Muir Woods, an old growth forest with giant redwoods. I love nature and the Pacific coastline is absolutely amazing to me. I remember eating lunch at Fisherman's Wharf and watching harbor seals playing in the water. This would have been a fabulous trip. But, my hubby went without me and he had a great time visiting with his brother, who came down from Oregon to meet him there so they could have some time together.
This is my new reality. Life goes on without me. It is sometimes hard to accept, but acceptance without submission is the frame of mind I choose. I have lost count of the events that I have missed over the years. I can't remember the last time I had a sit-down dinner in our home and I love to cook and have people gathered here. So that feels like a loss. My hubby loves to travel, but I am not up to being a tourist in a strange place. We do get away, but it is to places that are familiar and not demanding of my energy. There are things that I have encouraged my hubby to do without me because my health concerns can't always be the deciding factor in his choice of what he'd like to do. So he has traveled without me, mostly to visit with his brothers in Oregon and St John, which gives him a nice trip and a bit of a vacation from my troubles.
I always thought that once my kids were grown and I was done paying for college and a wedding, it would be my turn to explore the world. I have traveled quite a bit for work and there are lots of places I would like to visit again, and certainly new places I would love to discover and explore. At this point, my every day social life isn't even in order so travel isn't really the first thing on my mind anyway. Still, I grieve the missed dinners, family get-togethers, trips, activities, parties and all the stuff that people do to make their weekends and time away from work fun and exciting. It's the days when I am feeling pretty well and I'm functioning that I become acutely aware of what I'm missing. On my bad days I really don't care to even think about all the effort it takes to go out and socialize or go on a vacation, I just want to get through my day. I continue to be optimistic about a chance to do the things I want to do - like a cross country drive to California and a visit to places I missed by not being on this last trip. I'm glad my hubby went and had a good time because I am not going to ask him to limit his life, just because my life is feeling limited. He is there for me in so many other ways, the least I can do is to encourage him to live his life with fullness and passion.
What a great and insightful post. I too have to make travel choices due to my FM. I still make foolish choices at times that cause me to suffer more than necessary. It's a toss up for me because my heart has such deep yearnings.
ReplyDeleteThe hardest thing for me is playing with my grandkids. I just can't resist. They're small still and don't understand why I can't do some things. It used to be yardwork that would cause me to over extend. Grandkids are a lot better cause. :-) They are so precious.
As a fellow FM sufferer I truly appreciate your sharing your insight with us. I relate so much with today's posting about all the missed trips and events in your life because of your poor health. It's the same way with me. On top of FM I've also had 3 surgeries on my back which has only proved to limit me further and completely distanced me from the main body of my family. Were it not for my understanding husband and daughter I would be totally alone. I will pray for you and hope too that you don't suffer the loss of your loved ones on top of the rest of your suffering. The best we can do is to accept our limits and then pray for the rest. God Bless you!
ReplyDeleteThis sister will always be there for Diana!
ReplyDeleteThanks, ladies. I continue to work on focusing on what I CAN do rather than just what I can't. I am very appreciative of the support I get and I don't ever take it for granted. I am finding things that I like to do and I am enjoying doing them. Best wishes to you and be well.
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