I came to a difficult decision over the past few days and today at work I announced that I would be taking a medical leave of absence. I have watched my performance over the past months deteriorate with tremendous difficulty concentrating, attending to details and following through on tasks that were my responsibility. I still was doing okay in my daily interactions. I found that I actually did well when I was in a situation where I was working with others because the energy of the group fed my energy and I could build some momentum. Once I left work, though, I was left with no physical or mental energy. I could tell my performance was suffering because as soon as I was left to my own devices. I couldn't seem to move forward and I totally forgot what I was supposed to be doing. I pushed as long as I could, but enough is enough.
Knowing that I have no work responsibilities ahead of me for some time, brings me a real sense of relief. Knowing that I don't have to get up, clean up and get out in the morning is a gift in itself. I don't have to slap on my happy face and tell people that I am fine and I also don't have to tell anyone that I'm not. Interestingly, being away from work means I don't have to focus on whether I feel well enough, strong enough, or clear enough to go function on a given day. I can simply focus on building my health. I am deeply appreciative that I have the kind of work situation that allows me to take the time I need. I am convinced that if I don't take time now, it won't be long before I won't be able to work at all anymore - and I certainly don't want that to happen. This is the third leave of absence I have taken since my diagnosis in the winter of 2002. I took six months in the late spring and summer of 2003 and I took six weeks two years ago. Each time I left I felt I had hit the wall and I just couldn't go on.
When I have taken a leave in the past, I made good use of my time away from work responsibilities. I was consistent with my health plan, and sought out additional treatment options. I have been struggling with getting this condition under control and I find myself in worse shape this time, than I was before either of those other work absences. I am battling an unrelenting fatigue that permeates my body every single day. Sleep doesn't help, my meds and supplements don't help, and restricting my activities doesn't help either. It is a sick tired that only responds to my being flat out on the couch or curled under the covers. Day after day I lie wide awake, miserable and frustrated. I have had enough. Sometimes a retreat is the best strategy so instead of plowing ahead, I am going to slow down and take it easy. I am going to relax, ease into exercise, and pay extra attention to my wellness plan, I am going to seek out things that inspire me and bring joy to my soul - staring at the ocean, sitting under a tree in the park, reading uplifting words and listening to beautiful music. I am going to feed my heart, my soul and my body and I am going to just let go.
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