Day 72 - What Do I Want and What Do I Need?

As a parent I learned not to ask why my kids did something they knew was wrong, or why they made the mistake they did. Lots of times they just weren’t thinking or they were simply being young and impulsive. Asking “why?” usually got me a shoulder-shrug and the genetically programmed, “I dunno” response. Not very useful. As an adult looking into a kid-sized world I could really understand how easy it could be for a little person to mess up, to make a mistake, or test the boundaries. What’s interesting to me is that even when we’re all grown up, we do the same kinds of things, just on a different scale. It is possible, and maybe even probable, that we do things that we know are going to mess things up but in the moment (or the week, month or year) we suspend our good sense because we are meeting a momentary need, we’re fearful, or just too comfortable to make the hard choice. Maybe we even fly in the face of our own best judgment and ignore that inner compass that usually keeps us on the right path. Life would be so very easy if all of us always did the right thing, at the right time, and for the right reason. We try, but it sometimes takes a few attempts at something to get it right!

In the cosmic sense, the answer to the why questions may never be within my grasp - as in the, “Why was I born?” kind of question. But on a practical level it may be useful so I can work at not making the same mistakes over and over again. The question that usually got me the most authentic response from my own kids and kids I worked with was, “What did you want?” or “What did you need?”, rather than the standard, "Why did you do THAT?" I've discovered the want and need questions are good for me when I am working to unravel a decision I made that I now see wasn’t so hot. I can look at my wants and needs I was seeking to meet and find a better way to meet them. When I am grumpy, that’s the time I need to really watch my words and my tone of voice. When I look back at the times I snapped at my poor hubby, I can answer those questions and start to make a better plan instead of naming all the reasons I was feeling snippy. What were my wants and needs? When I’m grumpy I need a hug. Or, I need some space so I can get myself glued back together. Or, I want you to not match my mood and cut me some slack! If I can express my wants and needs they are more likely to be met and I then it’s more likely I will feel like my best self.

Those questions can also help me resolve little issues as well - like when I forget to take my meds. If I ask “Why”? I can spin off a dozen reasons - distracted, forgetful, out of the house, didn’t put my med pack in my purse, and blah, blah, blah. If instead I ask myself, “What did you need?” It leads my thinking toward a resolution of my issue. I needed a reminder system so I wouldn't leave the house without putting my med pack in my bag. Now I can focus on creating a system instead of getting mired in my excuses and weaknesses. I can move forward. If I am having computer troubles and working myself into a frenzy and can ask myself - What do you want or need?” Well, first of all I want the darn thing to work. Secondly, I don’t want to feel this frustrated and dumb. What do I need - HELP!!! So instead of stewing over my inadequacy I pick up the phone, call tech support and get some assistance. Not every answer to every question to my self about my wants and needs will be as easy to access. My wants and desires are often subtle and hidden even from me. But what I know is this, if I can make more conscious choices that are aimed at acknowledging my wants and needs I will be more aligned with that inner compass that helps me to feel fulfilled, accomplished, connected and satisfied with this life I'm living.