Day 69 - Where Do I Really Hurt?

When I was in the eighth grade my mother called us in from being outside with our friends so we could get our baths before dinner. We didn't come in the house quite fast enough and she was furious. My punishment? She cut off my long blonde hair. I sobbed through the assault and was furious, humiliated, and felt totally powerless! She cut my hair and I was devastated. But here's the part that I think was the most dangerous for me - the next day I put on my happy face, and went off to school. Once there I got lots of compliments from my teachers and friends about my new short hair - it was a dramatic change overnight. I smiled and accepted their compliments, all the while hating what had been done to me. Talk about stuffing emotions! Crazy, huh? I believe my childhood stress laid the foundation for fibro to visit my body. All the emotional conflict, and fear, as well as the physical pain I experienced is directly connected to my body's expression of a lack of wellness.

I wonder if someone can have big physical pain in their body without deep emotional pain in their soul. I wonder if I am tired of something I'm likely to lose energy and be exhausted. Or, if  I am sick of something is it likely I will get sick with something? My inner self gets expressed in my outer condition. I get that, but my big question is - what is the pain I might still be hanging onto that keeps this fibro pain in my body? What has me so emotionally exhausted that my body is expressing it in overwhelming fatigue and low energy? People I know tell me this illness doesn't match my personality - they say I am vibrant, energized and full of life. So where is the disconnect? Every journey I launch, challenge I must face, problem I need to resolve or experience I enjoy is really an opportunity for soul growth or nourishment. They are opportunities to explore big lessons or small ones. I am not fibro, I don't have fibro. I am experiencing symptoms of fibro and this is a temporary situation. I am not sick - I am getting well, better every day, actually. That is my mindset.

Wellness happens on many levels and the symptoms I experience with fibro can be a great teacher. As I learn these lessons at the deepest level, I can free my body from having to express my inner "stuff". Some of the lessons are very basic - when I'm tired - rest. Is that so hard???? Well, yes. But I'm learning. Brain fog? What is clouding my thinking? What do I need to clear from my thoughts? Can I get clear about some issue hanging over my head? Migraine? Why worry about something 'til my head is about to explode? Maybe I can let go and instead trust my heart to lead me. Some of the lessons are bigger - how do I balance my needs with the needs of the people I love? How do I let go of some of the pain I still carry from losses and challenges I've faced? How do I put things in the past that belong there? How do I let go of regrets and guilt that do not serve my highest self? These are the biggies we all deal with and I am no exception - my soul still has plenty of growing to do!  So I'm remembering to keep my focus on my inner self. When I spend time staying in touch with that inner voice, I get messages to guide my wellness from the very heart of me.