Today was a really big "ah-ha" day for me. I was talking with a friend and I realized that once again, I find myself in the middle of a complicated situation that I have let go on for far too long. One of the patterns that has emerged in my life is that I stay in situations far longer than other folks would tolerate. I've done it in relationships, marriage, friendships and jobs. I don't allow myself to quit or walk away until a situation becomes so intolerable it just forbids me from staying. I don't seem to have that emotional switch that says you don't have to tolerate this chaos, pain and confusion any longer.
This is a huge lesson for me in creating healthy boundaries and honoring myself in a way that is both self-protective and nurturing. This is a really big deal in my emotional and spiritual growth and I am sure it has implications for my overall health and well-being. These unresolved situations create an on-going, unrelenting stress that just erodes my energy without my being consciously aware of it. I have taken time away to get my head cleared on some things and as I reach the last day or two of my retreat, I feel empowered to move ahead. I feel a little nervous about my plan because I am staking the claim to my own well-being. What gives me confidence and the motivation to move forward is that I am working from truth.
Those of us who grew up in highly dysfunctional families know what it means to take care of everyone else before you give yourself permission to take care of yourself. We know how hard it is not to see yourself as a caregiver and the rescuer - the one person who holds it all together at the expense of our own emotional well-being. I have worked on those issues all of my life and I still find situations where I can go deeper to reclaim myself and not give myself over to playing a part in a dysfunctional situation. These are tough lessons, but I am strong enough to learn them and to deal with whatever fallout they create. I need to affirm that I am smart, strong, capable, insightful and compassionate, even as I work through a messy situation. I am no less important than any other individual and I do not need to sacrifice my well-being for anyone else.
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