Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Day 359 - One Strong Step Forward then a Nasty Step Back

Until ten years ago, I was able to manage my various symptoms and was able to continue to work and have a fairly normal life. Years before that I had what I called "lost days" where I was so fatigued I could only lie in bed or on the couch. Those days appeared randomly or after a weekend of teaching or after a particularly challenging travel schedule or work pressures. I was troubled with migraines, IBS, severe fatigue, frequent traveling muscle pain and leg cramps, sensitivity to bright lights, medications, certain foods, and cold. I had tested positive for Mixed Connective Tissue Disease when I was just thirty so I think many of the things that were troublesome were just chalked off to that diagnosis. I accepted my various complaints as being part of who I was and never thought there was something more to find out. I didn't realize I was on a lifelong journey that would eventually bring me to my knees.
 
Some of my challenges have had a beginning a middle and an end to their resolution, others remain an ongoing process of healing at deeper and deeper levels. When I am in the midst of making my way through a challenge I soon find out that the path through is not in a direct line and progress is rarely measured day by day - it's a much bigger picture. There are gains and there are losses. Smiles give way to tears and calm is replaced by fear. When one aspect appears to be under control another flies wildly out of control. Success is relative and failure is not a considered option.
 
The unpredictability of fibromyalgia symptoms is frustrating and chronic fatigue's overwhelming energy drain is a formidable foe. I agree that I must make peace with where I am and I do accept that I am in this condition, but that doesn't mean that fibro and fatigue are a welcome visitor. I have to create my own definition of success in managing the symptoms that have shifted my life and changed the way I function on a daily basis. When I experience a few good days in a row, followed by terrible days, I can't give in to the disappointment and frustration because each string of good days is a victory. I may experience one step forward and two steps back, but each time I can score better blood results or sleep soundly through the night I have to heartily claim those victories. When one thing seems to be better and another gets worse it feels like a step back and when a new symptom appears, it's another. I am making progress in some ways and that progress is what will move me forward.

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