Today's lesson is about fear. I've gotten to know fear pretty well this year – it is a frequent and unwelcome visitor. Sometimes it is present in a fleeting moment and other times I have to muster up the strength and courage to show it the door because it feels powerful and unrelenting. There are times that fear has immobilized me and times when it has spurred me to action and has renewed my strength. All through this year I have been determined that fear would not overtake me and lead me into the darkness of discouragement and depression. It has been a battle and I think I am winning it, but the longer this fibro and fatigue rages on, the more difficult it gets to keep my fears at bay. My fears come up at different times around different issues. Aside from wellness issues, many of my fears are all tangled up with getting older and other things that we all seem to grapple with. But the layer of a chronic condition puts a sharper edge on each fear.
Worry, concern, anger, frustration, sadness, and feelings of loss, all have their roots in fear. There used to be a game where some kind of little critter popped up out of a hole and each player had a hammer to smack it back down. That's the way I see my fears. They keep popping up and I keep slamming them back down. When one is taken care of there seems to be another to take its place. I think about work, my relationships, finances, and being ready for retirement. I wonder about being relevant and needed, I wonder about my purpose and what I will do to remain connected as I travel this mostly solitary journey. It's funny, I even worry that I worry too much. But with fear lurking around each corner I have developed strategies to calm myself and stay on the brighter side of things. I talk, I write, I pray, I cry, I get grumpy and I work hard to put my fears back in perspective. I get back to the moment I am living and do self talk that says in this moment I am okay. Nothing bad, that I can't handle, is happening and I need to keep that focus.
I have learned to wear my happy face well and give one sentence answers as to how things are going. But the answers to myself aren't a facade and they require deep and soul searching responses. I can address my fears with a plan or strategy that keeps me on the right track. If something goes wrong I can seek ways to make it right. But it's those things can't be put right again that really dredge up my biggest fears, and some days those fears just won't be quieted. I deal with them pretty much the same way I deal with a crash. I acknowledge what is happening and admit to myself that I don't like it very much. I focus on the fact that it will pass and it's my job to take good care of myself as I ride it out. Fear is simply an emotion. It's an important one because it demands that we pay attention. I have to be good at recognizing how much energy I will put into a fear-based thought and I will respect my emotions without letting them put me in a tailspin. I am confident that love is more powerful than fear and if I focus on the positive without being a pollyanna, my fears will subside because there's not room for both love and fear in a given moment. I choose to take care of myself and that means putting my fears in their place - even the big ones.
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