One of the hardest lessons I've learned over this past year is to know my limits. It's hard to recognize a limit, when one day I am feeling like a regular normal person and then the next I wonder if I'll ever get out of bed again. I've been advised to pace myself and that makes sense, but what exactly does it mean? Some days doing a little is too much and other days a lot doesn't make me feel worse. I take my time when I'm doing everyday tasks and I do just one big job around the house in a day. But a big job for me is doing the laundry and getting it folded and put away. Frequent breaks are built into whatever job I'm doing and sometimes I just get the feeling that I MUST lie down – so I do. I don't do more than I feel like I can accomplish without completely running out of energy, but still, my days are filled with ups and downs and my even keel doesn't seem to kick in.
I've noticed that when I can be with friends and family, I ride the energy that comes from sharing, laughing and having a great time. But the next day it's as if the person that was at that gathering has left and gone. When I have a huge outlay of energy I have to replenish it with a day of rest the next. I have learned that it is a good thing to say yes to things that are once in a lifetime, regardless of how I've been feeling. I won't miss a wedding, a christening or a milestone birthday, but I say no to the smaller events around the big ones – like wedding and baby showers. Those kinds of social events just sap my energy and I have convinced myself that my presence isn't missed all that much, anyway. I don't go to social events when I only know one or two people that will be there. Meeting new people and making an effort to stay in the conversation drains me very quickly, and the same is true for large social gatherings – they just make me tired and I would rather spend my energy on the dears ones in my life. I say yes to seeing friends once in a while because I don't want to lose touch, but I stay away from too frequent visits or visits that include larger groups.
I say no to way more things than I say yes to, and that used to make me feel concerned that I am getting wrapped in a safe cocoon of fear rather than just making smart choices. Do I say no because I am certain it's “too much”? Or do I say no, just in case? Is it wise to err on the side of caution or should I just throw caution to the wind? I am not so concerned with these things any more because I'm not certain that one way of deciding is better than the other. I am learning to take good care of myself and I have made peace with the fact that I can't do everything. I can choose to do the things that mean the most to me. When I have to say no, it is because I am listening to my body and I don't really have another choice. I've pulled back from many things that were once a big part of my life, that's true, but not because I don't want to do the things I've said no to. It is because I am now in a different place and my health has taken front and center stage for the time being. My job is to see the big picture of my life and then make my decisions. What I do know is that I cannot give in to this fibro and fatigue. I must do what I can, when I can, and it is up to me to make the choices that will squeeze out every bit of sweetness life has to offer.
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