Day 233 - Do Extroverts Have More Energy - Or Do We Just Fake It Better?

 After a really long and newsy conversation with a wonderful girl-friend I came away with yet another insight about how I cope with my daily fibro difficulties. I've always noticed that I feel my best when I am around people that I know well and love. It doesn't matter how fatigued I feel, just a little while into a conversation and I begin to feel a bit better. Sometimes, quite a bit better. It doesn't mean that the feeling will last, but for that little while, I feel more alive and energized. It makes sense. and I wonder if it's because I am mostly an extrovert. What I've learned about the introvert/extrovert thing is that if I'm an extrovert I get my energy from going outside myself , being around other people and that I think things through by talking about them and by sharing and socializing with others. In contrast, an introvert is energized by going inward and by more solitary pursuits. Introverts are usually more reserved (not shy) and are less outspoken and lose energy in large groups.

 

My explanation may oversimplify these two personality traits, but it is generally accepted that they play a large role in how we interact in our world. When I get on the phone with my daughter, a friend or an upbeat colleague, I can feel my energy start to build and the more we talk or laugh, the more energy I feel. For that reason, I often sound just fine during a conversation and I think it leads people to think I am in great shape, even though I may go back to snuggling on the couch as soon as I hang up the phone. I have noticed that since I have been dealing with the worst of my fibro and fatigue, extended socialization in new or very busy social situations, drains my energy, no matter how much of a good time I am having. On the other hand, I stay energized much longer and can build a stronger head of steam when I am out with people I know well and who share their vitality and are full of life. Maybe my being an extrovert does make a difference.

 

There is a downside to being energized externally by people and social situations. I think what happens is that I gather mental energy, emotional energy and a good shot of adrenaline with my extroversion. I don't think I am gaining any body/physical energy and that's where I run into some trouble. I sometimes feel like I am running on what I call fake energy - it's energy that lasts through an event or a situation and when it is done I am finished, too. It's like when I go to a wedding and dance. Once I start to dance I feel energized by the music and the fun of it - but boy do I pay for it the next day. My team meetings are the same - I get through them with flying colors and then crash for the next day or two. I don't feel as if resting up for something does any good. I don't seem to be able to store extra energy for those times when I know I will need it. So I plan to have my rest time after I know I will be busy so that I can get my feet under me again. I have no idea if the introversion and extroversion perspective means anything or if it's just another fibro mystery and unanswered question. But at least I know I do have at least one possible source of energy - my extroverted personality.

Day 232 - April Fool's Day and the Joke's no Joke

When I finished at the doctor's office last week I needed to use the ladies room. The receptionist gave me the key and I brought it back to the desk when I was finished with it. I  paid my bill and I headed for home. A little while later my cell phone rang. It was the doctor's office looking for the key. Immediately I thought I must have left it in the bathroom because I was sure I didn't have it - that is until I searched my handbag and there it was. I must have just dropped it into my purse when I reached in for my my wallet. I had to make a special trip to the post office the next day to mail the key back because I wasn't going to ask the cab driver to take me back to the doctor's office and then miss my train. Ugh.

 

Yesterday morning my hubby gave me the business card for our neighbor because she had offered to drive me to the train for my fibro doc visits. She has an unlisted number and I always keep her card in the kitchen drawer. I never really had a reason to call her - we talk when we see each other - but I wanted to set up a time for my ride to the station. He put the business card in my hand and then he left for work. When I was ready to call the neighbor to ask for a ride, I couldn't find the card. It is gone. I mean really gone. I looked and looked and it never did show up. I didn't want to go an knock on her door so I gave up my search and called a cab to get to the train station. Where could that card have gone? Darned if I know.

 

It got to be about three o'clock this afternoon and I was ravenously hungry. It didn't make much sense because I made myself a good lunch just a few hours before. I've been laying low today - no energy, feeling crummy, bad vision, that kind of thing. So I climbed out of bed and headed downstairs for a snack to appease my hunger. Have to admit I was just a bit surprised to see my lunch sitting on the counter - untouched. I forgot to eat my lunch after I made it and left the kitchen, then headed upstairs and plopped back into bed. I think I have just taken forgetfulness to a new level. It's April Fool's Day and I wish I could say that all this forgetfulness is my April Fool's joke, but It isn't. These are just the kinds of things I deal with every day. My memory was never terrific, but this is ridiculous!

Day 231 - A Kinder Place than I Might Imagine

The nicest thing happened to me today. I went into NYC to visit my Lady Doc and I knew I was going to have an IV treatment. Because there is so much vitamin C in the infusion, I am directed to have fruit and veggies for lunch. Last week I headed to a little deli next to the doctor's office building. This week I went to the same spot and started to order the same thing - a large container of greens, another container with fresh fruit and a sliced banana all mixed together with a splash of raspberry vinaigrette dressing. Last week, since everything was separate, I took my stuff over to a table and mixed it all together and left to eat it up in the doc's office while I got my IV. This week, as soon as I went up to the counter and ordered my greens and fruit, the same sweet gentleman behind the counter asked if he could mix it for me. He said he remembered me mixing it for myself the week before. I said that it was really sweet of him and then he asked if I wanted him to slice a banana for me again. He got my order exactly right.

 

It amazed me that the deli guy remembered my order from the week before, so clearly. After all. this was Manhattan and he must deal with hundreds of people every day. I don't know why he remembered but, for some reason, that's what happened. I do remember that last week I smiled at the deli man behind the counter and I thanked him for waiting on me. But I never gave it another thought. I like showing appreciation when someone does something for me. Could it be that the simple gesture of saying thank you, with a smile, made him remember me a week later? I guess we just never really know when we are making an impression or a connection. Maybe that our smiles really do mean something to the people we come in contact with throughout our day.

 

My trip into NY isn't that big a deal but it does involve getting a cab to the train station, taking the train into the city and then getting a cab to the doctor's office and then doing it all in reverse on the way home. Manhattan is busy, loud and crazy and the cab ride is an adventure all its own. I don't mind having to go into NY for my fibro doc appointment but it turns into a six hour project from start to finish. It is exhausting. Last week it was seven hours, so any part of the trip that feels stress-free is welcomed. Today that nice man behind the counter made my day and made the city seem a bit friendlier. Some might say that being in the city means being surrounded by unfriendly people in too much of a rush to pay attention to the little niceties. Maybe so. But not for me. Not today. A deli guy in New York City remembered that I liked sliced bananas in my salad. Sweet.

Day 230 - There's Power in Our Shared Experience

There is power in shared experience. Tonight my hubby and I had dinner with a woman who also raised a special needs child. It was the first time I met her, my hubby knows her through his work, but it was as if we had known each other forever. Our kids went to the same wonderful school, but at different times. Part of the reason we connected is because we could so strongly relate to each other's experience and there was almost a shorthand in telling our stories because we didn't have to set the stage or create the context. We "got it". We didn't have the exact same parenting style and our families were different - she had decades long marriage and a bunch of kids and I'm divorced and remarried with two daughters and a step-daughter. She has a special needs son fifteen years older than my daughter and our lives were filled with very different experiences. What connected us was the passion we have for our kids and our dedication to holding our families together amidst the challenges of raising a special needs child.

 

Being in the same family, being from the same town or school, growing up in the same neighborhood, or sharing the same profession, interests, problems, passions or causes can create the foundation for a relationship and a sense of belonging. Having a sense of belonging is a basic human need. There is a feeling of comfort and strength when I am feeling connected. But, it's easy to let relationships fade away when I am not feeling well, because it takes effort to create and sustain meaningful relationships. It was a little bit challenging to sit through dinner tonight. After about an hour and a half I was ready to pack up my doggie bag and head home. But, the conversation kept going and I was feeling a nice connection with someone with whom I shared a lot and who had a lot to share. Having fibro can lead to lots of time alone and that alone time can translate into feeling left out instead of connected and part of what's happening. So I have to keep myself in the loop.

 

Shared experience. It's what this always comes back to. It's the way we relate to each other and a way to gain perspective on our own journey. I want to stay in touch and to relate to the people I care about - that's  what holds us together. I have only two people in my life that share my fibro experience. When we get together we spend plenty of time talking about what we're trying to do to get better, how it's working and what we need to work on next. The shared experience is powerful and I think we encourage each other and help each other to stay optimistic and hopeful. But what's even nicer is that fibro connection is only one piece of a very sweet relationship. We are more than our condition and although many of our stories start out about fibro they always seem to lead into something else that is more interesting to talk about. We can get tired of our own saga and we need to lead each other out of the fibro talk and into the other qualities we share that makes us such good friends.

Day 229 - I Can't Give In and I Won't Give Up

I was thinking today that I am really fortunate to be living in this age of convenience and how all of today's technology and innovation make my every day life with fibro quite a bit easier to manage. If I can't shop, my groceries can be ordered and delivered to my door. If I can't cook, I have plenty of options available to me for a quick and healthy meal. If I have a question, I can go online and get an answer or pick up the phone and call an expert. My meds and supplements can be purchased from a store around the corner or I can order them online and have them delivered to my door. If I feel down or confused I can go to a support group meeting in my town or on my computer. I don't have to iron clothes or even sew them myself. Life for me is filled with conveniences and even though there is no one answer to managing my medical issues, I have to appreciate that in this time and place, I am blessed to have so many supports and innovations to help me continue to function.

There was a time that every night I would write down  five things that I was thankful for or appreciated having in my life. It made really hard days less tragic when I could sit down and write about all of the blessings I had in my life. I never had trouble coming up with five things, even on days that seemed to have no redeeming value. We've all had those tough times when seeing the good in our day seems an impossible task. I can always start with being thankful for the ease of living in this country compared to so many places where people live on just a dollar or two a day. I have clean water to drink and clean air to breathe. I don't take those things for granted because someone in the past fought for those standards. I am thankful for a roof over my head and a soft pillow where I can rest my head when I feel tired or weary. I am thankful for all of the people who work every day to make my world safe. I am thankful that I have a voice and that I am not punished for speaking my mind. I have an endless list of what I am thankful for because my life is infinitely better than it might be if I lived in another time or another place.

It is important that I get out of myself and my problems. It's a really big world and I am just one little speck in a great big universe. Even as that little speck, my life is important to me and the people in my life are what I appreciate most. But if I spend my time thinking about how life has done me wrong because I have medical issues to deal with, I think I'm missing the bigger picture. Everybody has something. No one escapes this life unscathed. When I talk to my friends and loved ones I sometimes think that I am the lucky one that I only have to deal with fibro and chronic fatigue. It is important that I pay attention to my entire life and not see every little thing through a fibro filter. I have my days when I need to rant and other days when I just want to crawl into a ball and hide under the covers until I feel strong again. It's to be expected that I will have my ups and downs. But the bottom line is that there is more good than not in my life and much to appreciate and be thankful for, so I can't give in and I won't give up.

Day 228 - Another Day of Unpredictable and Uneven

Every time I think I have my "patterns" figured out, something happens that knocks my theories out the window. I had a good weekend. Two good and fun days. Saturday night I fell asleep at around eight-thirty and slept through the night. That was okay, because I needed the sleep. I woke up early Sunday morning and got my day started. I felt fine and made it through the day without feeling fatigued or limited. It felt wonderful to have a lovely day with my family! I expected that when I crawled into bed last night, sleep would come easily because my day had been full and I was legitimately tired. I did my nighttime routine, crawled under the covers and waited for sleep to come. And I waited and waited and waited. I didn't fall asleep until well after two thirty in the morning and I was exhausted. I don't understand not being able to sleep on a busier than normal day.

 

I slept in this morning to make up for my lost sleep but it didn't work. It was a bad day. I never made it off the couch this morning and I knew I didn't see things getting any better. But I thought that maybe if I got myself together I could go out for a couple of hours to meet a friend for lunch and redeem my day. Mistake. Big Mistake. I made it through lunch and I didn't let on to my friend that I was struggling. I finished my visit, got to my car and headed home with visions of my big ole bed dancing in my head. I got in the door, tossed down my jacket and flopped into bed and immediately fell asleep for a two hour nap. When I woke up I felt like my head was filled with cotton and I was wearing cement shoes. Not good. The evening got better but it's going to be an early night, I can tell.

 

It seems that there is no escape from the negative consequence of a good day, or a good weekend or lack of a good night's sleep. It made no sense to me that I had insomnia last night, but I guess that's the nature of fibro sleep. It didn't matter that I finally slept for seven hours, it didn't make up for such a late night. If I push myself on a bad day the day doesn't get better. I might get through what I need or want to do, but when my energy is gone, it's gone. There is no wishing it to be different or focusing on the positive to re-energize my body. The problem isn't in my thinking or my attitude, it's in this body that doesn't seem to be able to maintain a steady stream of energy. There are times that a busy day does me in and times that it doesn't. The ups and downs are just part of the deal. My progress is uneven and some days unpredictable, and I just need to get my head around that fact.

Day 227 - The Value of Lightheartedness - Life Minus the Drama

We took a drive out to see my daughter today. What I love about spending time with her is that she is so lighthearted - she laughs easily and with gusto! I got her started giggling and before long I was giggling, too. We went into a store and I was playing around with a couple of two-and-a-half feet tall stuffed bunnies. She was laughing so hard she was bent over and hysterical. Of course we had to make a mad dash to the ladies room because she was afraid that she was going to lose it, if you catch my drift. Well, that made us laugh even harder and it was just so much fun. I love the way I feel when I'm around my daughter and we leave all of the heavy stuff behind and just enjoy the moment. She certainly has plenty to stress over, she is multiply-handicapped and lives with many challenges as well as chronic back pain. She is a trooper and I learn from her courage every single day. She also encourages me to see the lighter side of things.

 

There is value in being lighthearted. Science shows us that being playful and lighthearted increases longevity and makes us look and feel good. One aspect of lightheartedness has to do with seeing things as important but not serious. It's an ability to be able to get through things with a lightness instead of creating unnecessary drama. Another aspect is finding ways to keep life light and playful. People have always found ways to relax and play - either in solitary pursuits or in all kinds of interactive ways like music, games and entertainment. It's important to find ways to tickle the funny bone. Findings from the Benson-Henry Institute of Mind/ Body Medicine indicate that "relaxation response alters the expression of genes involved with processes such as inflammation, programmed cell death, and how the body handles free radicals - molecules produced by normal metabolism that, if not appropriately neutralized, can damage cells and tissues." (ehow.com) Okay, that's mouthful, but it makes it very clear that when we lighten up it is good for us. Plus, who doesn't look beautiful with a big, bright smile on their face?

 

It's not easy to see the sunnier side of life when I am exhausted or in pain. When I'm feeling miserable, funny can go right out the window. So I make sure I put myself right smack dab into the middle of fun and funny. I do it by being with people with a great sense of humor, I relax and play along when something is going on that's really funny, I watch things on TV and on the Internet that make me laugh out loud and I play games that keep me entertained and amused. I try not to dramatize my troubles. I don't need a great big hee-haw of a laugh to get the benefits of good humor. A little smile, a quick giggle, or even just watching someone else having a great time helps to keep my heart  light. I don't have to see every little thing as being a serious big deal. I can lighten up and increase the quality of my life and invite other people to smile by wearing a smile of my own. There are plenty pf things in life that can cause my heart to be heavy, but I have to shake them off and remember that I only get one life to live and I want to live it fully and with some fun!