Day 263 - Not Good, Not Bad, It Just Is

My new meds came in the mail this afternoon. I haven't opened the package yet. I guess I just want one more day of my old routine until I have to deal with yet another change. I get confused sometimes about how I can be so committed to getting better and yet so resistant to all the things I have to do, and to give up, to get there. I feel like I want a med vacation and time off from this condition. I'd like to have just a couple of days when I am not popping pills or working on remembering what I'm supposed to do, and when I'm supposed to do it each day, to stay well and to get better. I am tired of pill boxes, and especially tired of choking down a couple dozen pill every day. I would like to wake up and go through an entire day without a single thought about health or wellness. I'd like to take my health for granted and to spend a day doing exactly what I feel like doing and finishing everything I start because I feel well enough to do it.

 

I know I am very fortunate only to be dealing with fibro and fatigue. These are difficult conditions to manage. But there are people who are just as sick, or certainly sicker, who are coping with life threatening illnesses and would wish to only have what I've got. My daily life is impacted but my life is not threatened. I get that, I get it very clearly, and I give thanks every day that this is all I have to deal with. I think I am feeling frustrated  because things have shifted, yet again. I'm now on an antibiotic that is wreaking havoc with my digestive system and I just can't seem to get comfortable. My belly is rumbling, my esophagus is burning and I just feel nauseous. On top of that I am fighting seasonal allergies that are making me miserable. I want to stop sneezing, blowing my nose and rubbing my itchy eyes. I'm taking pills to control all this but they work for a few hours, then their effectiveness tapers off and I am left feeling miserable again. This is getting to be ridiculous.

 

I used to have a phrase that I played in my head when things started to get crazy. You know those times when it seems that everything that can possibly go wrong does - and it keeps on coming. When I was in that kind of situation I used to simply say, '...and this, too". The phrase was meant to take judgement out of my experience and to just see whatever was happening, as just something else that was happening. Not a good thing, not a bad thing, just a thing. It just is. That is a challenging head space. Most of us (me included) are inclined to judge the situations we are in, but that kind of judgement can really get me stuck. It is challenging to see my circumstance without labeling it as good or bad, hard or easy, fortunate or not. If I can withhold judgement, I can spend my energy dealing with my situation rather than planning my big ole pity party. I have vented, and tomorrow is a new day. I will continue to do what I need to do. Period.

Day 262 - Heading West for Adventure and Healing

Next month I am taking a trip to one of my very favorite places - I am heading back to Sedona, Arizona. I have had this trip planned since this past winter as part of my quest to do whatever I can do to be well. There is something about the healing energy in Sedona that very much agrees with me. I have been twice in the past two years and I am very much looking forward to another visit to this amazing place. Sedona has a world-wide reputation as a spiritual mecca. Nestled in majestic red rocks, Sedona is incredibly beautiful and awe-inspiring. Individuals who visit there feel more hopeful, renewed, regenerated, more creative and with greater mental clarity as well as a sense of inner harmony. There are several energy vortexes that scientists describe as having an energy that stimulates people at a deep and powerful level.

 

The first time I traveled to Sedona it was with my seventy-something massage therapist. She had been working with me for over twenty years. When I went in for a massage she promptly told me that I was a mess and I needed a visit to Sedona and she was taking me there, So we went together later that summer and it was incredible. We did some things together and I did lots of things alone. But everything I did seemed to wash me in a feeling of nurturing comfort. The things I chose to do matched the energy of my day. Some days my activity choices were quiet and contemplative, on other days I chose something more adventurous and had me out in nature. It was all good and once I got home I felt an afterglow that lasted for at least a little while. When I went on that trip I was secretly hoping that I would have a surge of wellness that was measurably different, but that didn't happen.

 

My last trip was just a year ago and I went with my hubby. In the year between trips I noticed a real difference in what I was able to take on in a day. I hiked less, rested more and was more conscious of pacing myself. This next trip will find me with even less energy than last time. It is okay though. The trip will give me what I need at this point in time and I am going without expectation. I look forward to the expansive beauty that will surround me, the drama of the rugged red rocks and the sense of peace that comes from being in a place filled with spirit. My sister is going with me and she hasn't been before. It will be fun to explore some of the places I have already been and we may well discover a few new adventures. While I am there I will soak in whatever nourishes me and do whatever seems to serve me best in a given moment. I am going back to a place that knows how to take care of me and I can't wait. 

Day 261 - Committed, Focused and Determined - Working on My Goals

When I was raising my girls I wanted them to have lots of experiences. Since they were going to be trying new things I assumed there would be activities they wanted to continue and others they would want to give up. Piano lessons didn't stick, nor did the clarinet or the drums. Cheering was a hit for one but not the other, just like bowling and horseback riding. Roller skating at the rink was a big hit and that interest lasted for years. It wasn't easy to know when it was time to give up an interest gone sour, because at the same time I wanted to let my girls explore their interests, I also wanted to teach them about setting goals and following through on their commitments. I wanted them to stick with something long enough to know if they really didn't like it or they were bumping up against the frustration of being a beginner. What I do know is that there are times to keep plugging away at a goal and at other times it is best to cut your losses and just move on. It takes some insight and maybe a bit of wisdom to know just what to do.

For years I taught adults and when a teacher in my class didn't see the value in a particular teaching strategy we were working with, I asked that they use the technique a couple of times in their own classroom before they rejected it so they would know exactly what they were rejecting. Sometimes we don't want to take on something new because it makes us uncomfortable or because it feels like to big a stretch. Unless we give it a chance we don't know if we are refusing the new possibility because of our own discomfort or fear or because the strategy or idea just isn't a good fit, which can certainly happen. Making decisions about what may be in our own best interest based on our experiences can be a real challenge, to say the least. I like to follow my own advice and so when I have to make a decision about which goals I will continue to pursue and which I let go, I have a lot to consider; is the goal attainable? Do I have the resources available to me to real my goal? Do I have the time available to make the commitment to the goal? Will reaching this goal enrich my life or the lives of others? Is it worth it? Is it a good fit? What will I have to give up to make room for this new goal? It sure gets complicated - but if the goal is worth achieving, the complication is worth it.

Just over eight months ago I set a goal. I made a one year commitment to getting my fibro and fatigue under control. I never imagined what it would take to work on the commitment I made to myself and my family. I had every hope that I would be feeling better and doing better than I am at this point. I have committed financial resources, an incredible amount of time including doctor visits, managing meds, as well as reading and researching to make myself an informed and empowered patient. I have followed my Lady Doc's orders, I have had more blood drawn and more injections in my butt than I would have imagined and I am still committed. I choose to continue working on this goal. I am extending my goal beyond my original one year commitment and I will continue to do what it takes to be as well as I can be. I know that few meaningful goals are reached without a huge amount of effort and determination and even with that, some goals remain elusive. I know for certain that I can't reach a goal if I am not fully committed so I work every day to make sure I give this very important goal my best shot.

Day 260 - A Good Plan Instead of Fear and Worry

My cab to the train station came a few minutes early and my dog needed to go out before I left for the day, My dog is big, and very curious, and very friendly. I walked to the side of the van that was picking me up to tell the driver that I needed just a minute to walk the dog and then I would be ready. Before I knew it, my dog popped up to look in the driver's window to say hello. The cab driver was petrified and immediately told me to get my dog away that he was petrified of dogs. I, of course, was already pulling my pup away before he even began to speak. I walked the dog and got in the van. Immediately I apologized to the driver and told him I was sorry that my dog showed bad manners. He went into a story about why he was afraid of dogs and the root of his fears were from one instance when he was a young boy. He said he hated dogs from that moment on and never went near a dog again. I felt badly that he has carried his fear for so long because there are so many wonderful animals that are sweet and endearing and hardly dangerous or threatening - and I know my dog is sweet and harmless, too.

 

I have my fears, as well. Every week when I go to the doctor I dread the injections - I am not a fan of the needles. After I got home yesterday I was asking my hubby if he remembered getting needles when we were kids. They were kept in a sterilizer (no disposable needles back then) and when the pediatrician walked toward that stainless steel box, I could feel the fear build in my belly and I could barely breathe. I remember crying even before he came near me when I did need a shot. Things today are different - needles are much finer and I barely feel them. But still, I have that moment when I know the needle is getting close to my skin that I feel the fear. (It isn't unusual now for a numbing agent to be included with a med to reduce the pain of the injection. Why couldn't they have that when I was a kid)? Anyway, my needle memory and the taxi driver's dog experience make me think about the fears that we carry with us and what we react to, even though in the moment there is nothing to fear. When I experience an unreasonable amount of fear about something that won't or can't hurt me, I have to ask myself why I am afraid.

 

It is difficult to let go of our past experiences when we have been hurt. When something bad happens it isn't easy to trust and stay open to the possibility that it won't happen again. I have a choice I can hold onto a sense of dread and let it negatively influence my thinking or I can let it go and make room for good things to happen. Every situation has the potential to be different or better than it's been before. I can choose to approach my life expecting the best or and not let negative past experiences color every experience. I grapple with my share of fears, and lately many of them have been about my heath and my future. Worry and fear go hand in hand and both rob me of inner peace and a sense of well-being. Certainly, there are things I need to pay attention to and things that could cause me harm. But, I don't want to be like that little girl at the doctor's office, quaking in fear, nervous and expecting something bad is going to happen. That's why I need a solid and reasonable plan along with an optimistic focus.

Day 259 - Getting Out of Myself Leaves Room for Others

This morning I hopped on the train to head into NYC for another doctor appointment. I've been going every week getting an intravenous mega-vitamin, etc supplement and today was a scheduled visit with my Lady Doc. Yesterday I decided to do a mood adjustment and get my positive emotional self back on track. I've learned that one of the best ways to feel better about myself and my own life is to get out of myself and do something for someone else. The train station offered me that opportunity. There was a woman waiting for the train with a seeing eye dog seated next to her. I often see the dogs in training around town since the Seeing Eye Training Center is only a few miles from here. I happened to be right behind her as she was about to get on the train and I wasn't sure if it would be okay to offer any assistance. She hesitated before stepping onto the train and I realized that she was having a hard time estimating the space between the platform and the first step on the train. I don't remember exactly what I said, but it helped her to move forward and board the train with her dog beside her. I felt good that I could be of assistance, even in that small way.

 

Once we were on the crowded train, the next thing that happened was that she wasn't sure which seats were open and available. Since I was walking right behind her,  I was able to help out with that too, I was on a feel-good-do-for-others roll, and even though it was just a tiny little thing, it had me going in the right emotional direction.  I felt calm and decided to enjoy the ride on the train. After just a little while though, I heard a not-so-quiet conversation between the ticket-taker and a passenger across from me, Seems a young man was on the wrong train and was short eight-five cents to stay on until the next stop. He showed the ticket guy his tokens and also showed that he didn't have any money in his wallet. After hearing this I, in my I-want-to-be-helpful mode offered the young man the money he needed. The ticket-taker refused my help and told the fella he needed to go the front of the train and deal with the conductor. As the young man walked by, I again offered my help. He declined and that was the end of it. I did what I could.

 

Imagine my surprise when the ticket taker came back and stopped at my seat to reprimand me for trying to help the young man on the wrong train. He said "those" people know exactly what they are doing. "They" pull this kind of thing all the time. You trying to help, didn't help me do my job. With that he walked away. I was shocked. I don't know if I helped or not, but I do know the way he was throwing around the "theys" and the "those people" comments he wasn't open to listening to this particular young man. I tend to believe people and trust that what they say is true. That young man looked and sounded sincere to me and I wanted to help. Maybe too much. I guess helping isn't always perceived as helping - in this case I tried to help one person and another found me to be clearly unhelpful. This isn't the first time I've tried to help in a situation and I wasn't as helpful as I thought I was being. When I help it has to be what the person needs, not just what I want to offer. I started out my day looking to feel better than I've been feeling and my focus was to get out of myself. I accomplished that, and whether or not I was helpful today, I meant well.

Day 258 - No More Debbie Downer - Got to Get Back on Track

There are days that just feel empty. Not in a terrible way, but just not filled with anything special or inspiring and not even anything uninspiring - just grey and boring. The dog seemed to feel the same way and he barely dragged his weary bones from one place to another. I had to take him out for a quick walk and he wasn't even interested in sprinkling a tree or two. He walked slowly by my side, matching my lack of energy. I left work early - I just didn't have anything left to give and even after grabbing a cat nap at the office, I didn't feel much better.  The weather was here and there - partly cloudy or partly sunny whichever way you want to look at it. There was a bit of rain, but not enough to call it a rainy day. My hubby came home late from a meeting and I had no motivation to get something together for dinner. I finally settled on making a sandwich at about nine o'clock mostly because I don;t want to wake up hungry in the morning. It was one of those days where I got little to nothing accomplished and I knew from when I crawled out of bed this morning it was going to be one of those days. I pushed through anyway.

The past few weeks have seemed especially hard and I don't know exactly why. The weather is heading in the right direction, although we have had more than our share of rainy days, work is going well and we have exciting projects on the horizon, my family is doing well and is on pretty much of an even keel. I am starting to bore myself with my glum mood and as my daughter would call it - my "Debbie Downer" view of things. I am typically known to be an optimist and I have even annoyed a friend or two with my unrelenting positivity. I think there have been times when I clung to my positive outlook because to see the other side would just throw me way off balance. I believe that keeping a positive outlook promotes healing and a sense of well-being. It also keeps things manageable and I am more likely to feel strong and capable. But truth be told, it is sometimes really difficult to hang on to my positive thoughts and I have periods where I do a slow steady slide into pessimism and negativity.

My reality doesn't change with my perspective. What changes is my ability to make plans and to cope more effectively with what is happening in my life. If I see possibilities I am better  able to move forward and focus on solutions and strategies for making things better. If I am positive I feel more energized and empowered. My body is healthier when it isn't pumping stress hormones into my body while I am trying to get well. But I am human and I feel a full range of emotions. I was sharing with my friend last night, that writing is therapeutic and just getting my feelings down in words helps me to examine them and then make a decision about the direction that is best for me to take. What I know helps is to take just one day at a time and not look back and worry about where I've been or to look forward and worry about what may or may not happen. The best strategy for me is to be real about what I am feeling and examine the source of my feelings. I can't control my feelings, but I can surely decide how I want to act upon them. Maybe writing these three paragraphs and getting my feelings down on paper is enough to start me in a different direction. I chose to be empowered and positive - no more Debbie Downer.

Day 257 - In the Right Place at the Right Time

Some people call it coincidence, others call it synchronicity and still others just call it being in the right place at the right time. Whatever you call it, it was perfect timing, and it led to a really nice evening. I had a hair appointment scheduled for yesterday afternoon but I couldn't keep my appointment because I just couldn't get off the couch. I guess I did too much celebrating on Sunday. Anyway, I rescheduled my appointment for late this afternoon and just happened to make the appointment at the exact same time as a dear college friend I haven't seen for a while. I walked in the hair salon just as she was finishing up, but she stayed on and sat with me while my hair stylist worked her magic. What could be more fun than sitting through a hair appointment chatting away with an old friend. Life has it's little surprises and tonight's was a really good one!

My friend and I were close way back in our college days. Through a social media site we connected again less than a couple of years ago and for a while we were getting together for coffee on a pretty regular basis. We stopped when I started being sick more frequently and it has been months since the last time we sat together over a cup of coffee. Girlfriends love to chat and that's what we got to do tonight. I haven't been very good lately about planning get togethers with friends or even family. It has been a long hard winter and I feel as if I have been hibernating. Tonight I felt vibrant and alive. I loved having time to chat and get caught up with everything that's been happening. I liked that I kept my energy through our time in the salon and right through our impromptu dinner at a favorite restaurant. Being in the right place at the right time sure worked out well for me.

If you had told me that my day would have turned into a ladies day out, I wouldn't have believed it. It started when my daughter called me at lunchtime and asked if I was free to get together. Of course I said yes, and slipped out at lunchtime so we could have a few minutes to chat and be together. It was a lovely and unexpected pleasure. When I got up this morning I wasn't feeling very well and I felt tired and dragged out most of the day. Being with strong, smart and wonderful women, like my daughter and my college friend, makes me feel empowered and definitely more energized. Being with women who know me and who let me off the hook when I feel like I can't give one hundred percent are much appreciated. Lately, I have been telling friends that maybe the best way to get together is to make plans at the last minutes when it seems it will work, rather than planning too far ahead and being disappointed because I have to cancel. I guess the universe heard me and slipped in a couple of last-minute, fun and relaxing get togethers today, just to prove that it's a good idea. It sure did work for me.