Thursday, September 30, 2010

Day 50 - Catch the Moment - It's the Present Life Gives Me


Last night I witnessed one of the most unusual sunsets I've ever seen. I'm at camp with lots of cabins and a big community dining hall in a rural mountain community. My work group was sitting around a big table at dinner. As I glanced out of the window, I noticed the water on the lake was bright red! I called it to the attention of the folks sitting around me, but I just couldn't let it pass me by. I had to go outside and really see it and drink it in, it was that unusual. The sun was setting over the mountain and it gave off an almost iridescent glow that was so intense, the reflection turned an entire portion of the lake scarlet. There was a photographer outside with a tripod and I mentioned to him that he must have gotten some pretty special shots. He said he had not seen a sunset like the one we were witnessing for over thirty-five years, and he lives in these mountains. If I had stayed in my seat, i would have missed it. My colleague and I stood and stared at the display in amazement. I felt like I had been given a gift, it was that special.

It's beautiful here at the lake. The color of the trees is vibrant and dramatic this time of year and I don't want to miss any of it. It's like if I keep staring at those colors, I can make it all last longer because it seems to me that time just keeps moving faster and faster. Each season seems to begin and end in a heartbeat and I want it all to slow down. Time passes and there isn't anything I can do about that. What I can focus on is being fully present in these moments, to take the time to stop, look around and really see where I am and take in what I'm experiencing. I want to make sure I don't just go through the motions in life and to and then miss the little things that can make my days special and unique.


Some days all I want to focus on is getting done whatever is in front of me because that's what I can handle. But it's days like today that remind me that even if I'm not feeling all that well, there is a lot of life going on around me. There is beauty and drama, as well as changes, challenges and possibilities. I can miss all of that if I forget to be in the moment and to squeeze every bit of joy and life that I can from my experience. I might be seeing something as breath-taking as that dramatic sunset or as calming as a small and simple garden, but it is my job to be fully present in my life and to let it all in.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Day 49 - The Healing Power of Truth


My Dad was in World War II and he has a slew of medals to show for it. He never really talked about it in any detail with me until the last few years of his life. We would sit in his kitchen and he would tell me stories of his escapades in France or about his buddies who fell in battle. He told me about the weight he felt on his shoulders being a leader in the field and how he hated every single minute of being in a war. He had a job to do though, so he did it, and when he got home he wanted to put it behind him, but he never really could. My Dad said that a lot of the memories still haunted him and he told me about choices he had to make that he said no man should.

There was a lot I didn't understand about my father as I was growing up that I came to understand much later. I couldn't interpret his behavior toward me very easily and it wasn't until those years at the kitchen table that I really got to know him well. And I got to know him because we had truth between us. I could finally tell him how I felt about pivotal events in my life and it seemed like he was really ready to listen. He may have been before that, but for whatever reason, it just never worked as well for us as it did in those years. It was a real gift to me that he was willing to share his experiences as well as his thoughts and feelings about them. He was a man who didn't show a lot of emotion, but there were times that every feeling was written on his face and reflected in his eyes. I cherish those times.

I feel healthiest when I am most authentic because that means I am operating from my strongest self. When I know something, really know it in my bones, I can move forward with  confidence and a sense of self-assurance that gives me momentum, power and strength. When I speak my truth I am clear and unencumbered, and I share who I am with honesty and clarity. When others share their truth I feel connected with them and joined together in a special bond. I am stronger when I speak my truth by communicating honestly and without fear. Is that easy? Heck no, but it's another one of those goals I keep in mind because truth can be a great elixir capable of healing some of that old emotional stuff I carry around inside me. And if I can do some healing from the inside out, that's probably a good idea, and I think my Dad would agree!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Day 48 - Do You Miss Me When I'm Not There?

Yesterday my travel plans got all messed up. What started out as a four hour trip stretched into seven-and-a-half hours of starts and stops. Four of us were headed out to a work retreat and the weather interfered with most of us. One team member never did arrive for the first night. The three of us who were there had a great evening together catching up, swapping stories, laughing and just having good conversation. But one of us was missing. I felt badly that his travel plans were so ridiculously screwed up and that he missed dinner and our bonding time. We called him and left silly messages on his phone so he'd know he was missed. But the night went on with out him.
 
I started to think about the times I've missed occasions - times when I wasn't up to socializing but wanting to be part of things. Or times at work when I've been out sick or on medical leave to get myself glued back together. When I'm gone - do they feel my presence, and in that way I am still there, or do they feel a gap because of my absence? Or, does it matter very much at all? I know things move along smoothly even without me. I like to think that if I don't show up for work or a special outing, I'll be missed. But I also know that I am not the center of the universe and life goes on without me. It's just that sometimes I feel like I am missing out.

I want to be in the mix of things and remain relevant. I want to matter and to be connected to the people I care about. I don't want to hold anyone back from what they want to do when I'm the one that's under the weather. But I can't help but feel a little bit left out and sometimes lonesome when the party goes on without me. One of my wellness goals is to increase the time I spend having fun. I want to get out there and do the fun things I used to love to do and spend time with people I care about while I'm doing it. I want to find the things that have fallen away and revitalize some friendships that have gotten a little rusty. My goal is to be a more active participant in my life and to feel strong enough to say YES to opportunities that come my way. I don't want to miss a thing!

Monday, September 27, 2010

Day 47 - A Little at a Time, Over Time


The beavers that live along the water up at our cabin have no shortage of ambition. Last winter they took down over eighty trees and were working on a whole bunch more. They take the tree down by chewing into the trunk and then after it falls, strip all the smaller branches to use in making their lodge. They will take on a tree as big around as a coffee table and keep working on it until it falls.

One of the most curious things about the beaver's tree-felling ability is their persistence. I've seen tree stumps that had a huge knot in the wood. No problem - the beaver just started all over again a little higher up the trunk. We saw one tree that had a series of starts until it topped off with the characteristic peak made from the beaver's razor sharp teeth. We assumed it was another instance of hitting a knot in the wood. But no, it was because the beaver started gnawing and then a snow storm hit. It left a few inches of snow on the ground so the beaver just started again above the snow line. The job wasn't finished before another storm hit and then another and forced the beaver further up the trunk. Thus, the series of huge indentations up the tree. He had his heart set on that tree and nothing would deter him.

During this year I am looking for little bits of inspiration that pop up in my life to help me win this fibro battle. The persistence and flat-out determination of those beavers is something to embrace. For the size of them, those critters do take on some monumental tasks. They do a little at a time but they just don't give up. They keep doing their task little bit, by little bit. If there's a set-back, they go to Plan B and keep working toward the goal. That's all any of us can do. I can take on my challenge one day at a time or if that's too much, a half day or an hour or a minute at a time. I may have set-backs or days where it's all going according to plan. The lesson I can learn from those chubby, single-minded creatures is that a little at a time, over time, will give me my desired result. And since I have my heart set on recovery - that's how it will happen for me.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Day 46 - I AM NOT Fibro.

One hot summer day I went rafting with a friend and my younger daughter. The river was tame with little bursts of fast water that was pretty easy to manage. Nothing taxing or even very exciting. So there we were just floating down the river; beautiful day, beautiful scenery and an afternoon on the water - what could be better? Then poof - I wasn't in the boat any longer. I didn't feel a thing, but I was catapulted over the front of the raft and landed under the boat, which was still floating down the river. At first I was confused - where the heck was I? Then I realized the raft was directly over my head. Not a good situation! So I did a hand-over-hand and tracked my way to the end of the boat and got myself pulled up and out of the water. We continued our float after that little mishap and had a really fine day.

When I think about that rafting trip though, falling out of the boat seems to define it. I don't remember a lot else about that afternoon - but I do remember that I bounced out against a rock and went into the water. Because it was dramatic and a bit scary, that experience then defines my perception of rafting. But what if I were to shift that around and see it as only part of the trip and a part that had a happy ending? What if I saw it as an adventure - something unexpected for me - but surely part of the landscape of a rafting experience?

Just as I don't need to define my dump in the river as my entire rafting experience, I don't have to let fibro or chronic fatigue define all of me. I can choose where I put my emphasis, work around it and each day, make the most of what I've got. At the same time I'm managing that focus I am also doing whatever my Lady Doc has assigned me as part of my recovery plan. That creates a tough balance for me - how do I keep my focus of fibro not defining me while I'm deep in the heart of a program to fight it? It's a tough balance, but worth my thought and attention. My goal is to do what I can do, whenever I can do it, to experience my fogged out and crash days if I have to, and then quickly put them behind me. It's just like getting back in the boat.



Saturday, September 25, 2010

Day 45 - Cat Person or Dog Person - Does it Matter?

The secret is out - I have a crush on my dog! It may be since he is the first dog I've owned as an adult. or it may be because he is big, beautiful, goofy and smart. I had recently been married and the hubby was talking about getting a dog. Since I've pretty much thought of myself as a cat person - this was stretch for me. We did an online survey to tell us what kind of dog would be best for our lifestyle and temperament needs. I had never heard of a Golden-Doodle, but there it was - our perfect match. Next step, find out what I could. So gathered some information and then things pretty much stopped there. We weren't sure this was the time to bring a puppy into our new family.

Some time later, I was heading off to a meeting and I saw a sign, Golden Doodles for Sale. I had a few minutes to spare, and my car just leaned right into that turn. Next thing you know, I was on the phone with the hubster and holding a bucket of fluff in my arms. He met me after my meeting and Rusty came home with us. What a joy! I did have some concerns about caring for the dog because quite simply, there are times when I can't  make it across the street with him, let alone around the block or to the park. So Hubby is in charge of daily walks and exercise outings. He also takes Rusty for classes at our local animal shelter. That way, they both get exercise, even when I'm not up to it. When my hubby is out of town for a long period, we have a friend that takes the dog to give me a break. That way, I don't feel the pressure of long walks twice per day walks. One real challenge has been when hubby is late coming home from a  meeting and I'm having a really bad day,  the dog still has to go out. Thanks goodness I have my daughter and son-in-law to help out. It does get complicated sometimes, but it's all okay.

So what does a dog have to do with my wellness? For one thing, he does get me walking because when I am up to it - we walk. Rusty is BIG and so its hard to take a walk without getting into conversation with passers-by. Good for a little burst of social energy. I love his presence in the house and the way, even after four years, he keeps trying to make friends with our cat (who is still horrified that we brought this gallumping, humongous creature into his abode). Rusty makes me laugh and we have our little routine of tricks that we do together. He keeps my heart light and open. I no longer think of myself as a cat person - kind of more like a pet person. So he has expanded who I thought myself to be. He is simply wonderful and I look forward each day to spending time with him and watching his antics. He's not perfect - but he's perfect for us and that works for me.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Day 44 - So Sensitive

"You're just too sensitive". Sure wish I had a nickel every time I heard that one. From the time I was young I've always had a sensitive side. I was overwhelmed by stories like Old Yeller (but then again, who wasn't), Bambi and Cinderella. I was super-aware of my teacher's connection with me and my grades went up if I felt connected and down if I thought the teacher didn't like me. Grades also went up and down along with chaos in my family or if I was sitting next to someone who wanted to make my life miserable by teasing me. As I got older, a commercial could make me cry and forget about a sad story on the news. Criticism was always tough for me to take, not because I thought I was above it - but because I took it so to heart. I held myself to a ridiculous standard then beat myself up if I didn't reach it. That has gotten better, but other things have taken their place.

Forget scary stuff. There is no way anyone will get me into a movie theatre to watch a horror film, a slasher film or any kind of show that is intended to scare the beejeezus out of me. Once I was in the audience of a Broadway play. I had seen the play before, and I knew what was coming, but I still shrieked and jumped out of my seat when the gunshot was fired. One night we were watching an academy award winning film at home. There was a scene of violence against a child. I was so disturbed, even with just the build-up to it, I turned it off. I couldn't watch. If I see something disturbing, it isn't unusual for me to play it out in a nightmare or two after the event.

Even my body is super-sensitive. I used to love having my cat curl up in my lap. But now, if he moves the wrong way or walks across me it hurts! I wind up pushing him away and then I feel bad that I might have hurt his feelings. It's a no-win on that front. My body is also sensitive to meds and alcohol. There are times that even a sip or two of wine sends me into the sleepies. I feel like I can barely keep my eyes open - pretty embarrassing in a social situation! Other times, I'm just fine. One time I took a med for migraine and I was high as a kite. I started packing every belt I owned to take on a business trip. Not funny (well, maybe a little funny now that I look back on it).

So, I'm sensitive. I get hurt feelings and I recover, I watch my meds and I don't drink too much. I take in criticism and work to learn from it and not feel so attacked. I let the cat lay beside me and I stay away from situations that stress the tender side of me. But every now and then a good cry seems to do the trick. I wash away my emotional gunk,  gather up my resolve, then feel stronger and ready to take on my day.  

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Day 43 - Side Effects Freak Me Out - Literally!

Early in my fibro fight, I started a new timed-release med that was supposed to help with  symptoms. The doc said it was typically used for depression, but folks with fibro had good results. I wasn't depressed, but what the heck. Since I was out of work on a six month medical leave, and new to the battle, I was game for just about anything. I filled the prescription and took the first pill on a Friday. I didn't realize it, but I started having visual distortions within the first few hours. For some reason, I was able to explain them away in my own mind and didn't think much of it. That's pretty bad when you're so out of it you can't tell you're having hallucinations! Later that evening my future hubby came by, and he realized something was wrong. I called my doc that day, but he never got back to me and I headed off to bed.

I don't know what possessed me to take a second dose of this long-acting med. Maybe it was because I wasn't thinking clearly. Next morning future hubby left early, He kissed me good-bye and asked if I was okay. I said, "yes", and he left. As I started to wake up I realized something was very, very wrong so I called a friend to come and sit with me because I was afraid to be alone and feeling all whacked-out.. Before she could get to my house, I had already called 911 because I got all freaked out, crazy and scared by body's reaction. My heart was racing and I couldn't control my muscles. I was having spasms and was crying and holy crap - I was a mess! This stuff was supposed to relieve symptoms, not create a whole new list. I wound up in the emergency room scaring the hell out of me, my daughter, my hubby-to-be and my friend. I was embarrassed, humiliated and angry. In those moments I felt powerless.

Entry after entry of the fibro support page I visit tells tales of terrible side effects from the meds we are given by the doctors we trust. I have suffered side effects from nearly every "fibromyalgia med" I have been prescribed. Some meds were annoying, others not so bad, but some were simply intolerable. Not every doctor was oblivious to the suffering these side effects cause, but others demonstrated a cavalier attitude when I reported difficulties. After a while, I simply took myself off meds between appointments when I sensed I was in trouble with a new med. Today I am feeling more confident in the hands of my Lady Doc. She seems to know what she's doing and after seven weeks in this program - not a single negative side effect! I think I just might be on the right track.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Day 42 - Intravenous Vitamins - Being Sick or Getting Well?

My first IV vitamin treatment was last week. My hubby drove me to my appointment because we really didn't know what to expect and it was possible for me not to feel very well once I was done. It's a long drive so it was nice to have the company and the support. The treatment was all very uneventful - IV started easily, I sat in a waiting room with my hubby for the hour and fifteen minutes it took for all those juicy vitamins to drip down into my arm. This is a new concept for me to get my head around - I am literally pumping vitamins directly to every muscle and fiber of my being. Amazing. During the process, my mouth got very dry but no big deal. I did feel a bit woozy about half-way through, but that passed and I did okay. I felt little tired when I was finished, but I stayed awake all the way home.

There was one thing, though, that surprised me. Once my IV was in place and I was all taped up, the nurse rolled the IV pole, with me tagging along, into the room where my hubby was waiting for me. I sat down and the nurse fiddled around with a few things, then I settled in. My hubby asked if I was okay. I took one look at him and just burst into tears. I couldn't stop crying. I looked at that pole with the bag of liquid hanging over me and I was overwhelmed with the enormity of it all. I kept thinking - I'm not sick. Only sick people need IVs and I'm not sick. I live with a condition called fibro. Does that make me sick? Whether it does or it doesn't, it was really the first time I thought of myself that way and I didn't like it one bit!

Today I am heading off to my doctor's office for my second intravenous vitamin infusion. I am going with a different perspective. I'm not getting an IV because I'm sick, it is because I am getting better. That shift in thinking will help me to feel motivated and focused on my goal of recovery. I guess it makes sense that if I'm depleted, I need some kind of a jump-start to get me going again. And if that means staring at a pole for an hour a week, so be it.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Day 41 - The Times, they are a Changin'...

This past weekend I decided to clear out all the little indicators of summer around the house and come to terms with the fact that autumn is here. I changed the wreath on the front door, and put away all the trinkets and treasures that sit around the house to bring the summer inside. Instead, I filled nooks and crannies with pine cones and acorns, pumpkins, bright colored leaves and oddly shaped gourds. It makes me feel good to go through the ritual of changing seasons inside while it is happening outside.
 
The leaves haven't started changing much yet, but as I drive around I see that some have already fallen. The process has begun. The mornings and the evenings are chilly but the chill makes for easy, snuggled-in nights. It's nice to come home from work to a warm house and a hot cup of tea or coffee. I keep a cozy throw on the couch and it is almost always wrapped around me once summer is over. I seem to feel my best in the "between seasons" - the ones between winter and summer. The extremes just knock me out. But a day like today gives me a boost and I feel like I am capable of getting things done.  So I do! Today was one of those days and it was great that I had the energy to do what I needed to do. These perfect days when I feel healthy and well enough to enjoy them are spectacular, and believe me, I appreciate every one of them.
 
I love the fall (I just don't like the northeast winters that follow), and I do love the colors, textures and boldness of autumn. The leaves are showing us their last hurrah. They may be falling - but they are going down in a blaze of glory (like me on a crash day!). Nighttime comes before I'm ready, but with it comes the Harvest Moon. The pumpkins, apples and corn at the farm stand seem more special on a late September afternoon. It is an event just to go out and find the perfect pumpkin for the front porch. And if there's a mug of warm cider and a donut to go with it - all the better!

Monday, September 20, 2010

Day 40 - I Don't Want to be Wide Awake!!!!

The other night was another night of torturous insomnia - so tired, but not sleepy. How is it that I can fall asleep in my car, on the side of the road, but I can't go to sleep in my bed at night? Anyway, I got ready for bed at a reasonable hour, popped my meds and snuggled in for a blissful night's sleep. I pulled up the fluffy comforter, closed my eyes, and did my deep breathing. I did my relaxation exercise to let go of all the stress in my body. I started at my toes and worked my way up to my head and released all thoughts of the day. I said my prayers and waited for sleep to come over me. But nope, not yet. So I squiggled around under the covers to try to get comfortable again and I waited. And waited. I fluffed the pillows, turned to my other side, took a few deep breaths and thought - okay, all systems go. Ready for sleep. Ummm, not yet.

Plan B. Got up to read for a little bit to get drowsy and try again. Did that and it didn't work. It was now almost 1 AM and I was still wide awake. Climbed back into bed and got comfy. I waited and waited for sleep and then aaarrkkkk-cchhhh, aaarrkkkk-cchhhh hubby started snoring! It was loud and (so sorry for saying this - annoying!). I rolled him over on his side cause that usually quiets things long enough for me to fall asleep. Okay, good, no snoring - but the teeth grinding? Can't do it!! Reached into the drawer and pulled out my cute little purple ear plugs. Ahhhh. Much better. Almost forgot about them. Now sleep was sure to come. Fifteen minutes later. Still awake.

Plan C. Sleep in spare room. I drag the comforter upstairs, open the window for some fresh air and snuggle into the silence of the room, ready for sleep. I'm relaxed, confident that at any moment I will drift off. Then the cat arrives and plops down next to me purring his little brains out. This will not work - no pets in bed! So I put him out of the room and close the door and climb back into the coolness of my bed. A few minutes later the cat starts scratching at the door, begging to come back in. I get up and shoo him away. Good. He's gone. Back into bed I plop ready to sleep the rest of the night away. And ten minutes later he's back pawing at the door.  I give up and let him back in hoping he will settle in and just go to sleep and leave me alone. He was quiet, but now it's another fifteen minutes later and I'm still wide awake.

Plan D. Watch a few minutes of television to get my mind of going to sleep. Maybe I can trick myself into sleeping if I'm in front of the TV. I watch the last fifteen minutes of season five of American Idol. Taylor Hicks wins, Big deal - it's frickin 2 AM and I'm still awake!! Off goes the TV. I get myself all settled in the bed again and close my eyes and start to feel myself drifting off. It's bliss. Success!! This time I know I'll be in the land of nod in no time at all. It's quiet, I'm comfortable. There is a soft breeze and a little nip in the air. It's perfect sleeping weather. Off I drift.....and THE CAT STARTS TO SNORE!!! He was snoring like a little old man and I was jolted out of my drift into oblivion. Who knew a cat could snore that loud? I tossed him out the door. He knew not to come a-knocking again.

By now it was almost two thirty in the morning and I started to think about the day I'd be facing at the other end of my sleep deprived night. I was aggravated and so incredibly tired.  So I did my breathing again and I started all over again with my relaxation. Somewhere between my arms and my shoulders, sleep crept in. I woke up later than I wanted to in the morning and dragged myself out of bed. I wound up taking a nap in the afternoon to make up for the sleep I lost the night before. This time I started alone, upstairs, with the door closed, the window open and my sleepy self just barely able to stay awake. I fell asleep easily and slept for a couple of blissful hours and I have to say it was just yummy.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Day 39 - Me, Myself and I - Perfect Together

For as long as I can remember I've enjoyed being alone. I remember when I got my first car. The realization that I finally had some independence and a way to escape everything and everyone was intoxicating! I could get into my car and go where I wanted to go, when I wanted to go, and come back when I pleased (except for the curfew thing, but that's for another pondering). I loved my Blue Beetle and in addition to being a hub of socializing, it took me to places where I could be alone with myself and re-group. I remember going to the beach in winter, and as I walked in the sand, I worked myself thorugh my melancholy. Or, I drove to a nearby park, sat in my car, and looked over the river where we skated when I was little, nostalgic for a happier time. I liked driving alone at night - I would roll down the windows and ride in silence while I drank in the night air. Or I would turn on the radio and my favorite music played as the backdrop for my thoughts. When I was out and about in my car I was alone, but I wasn't lonely. I had my thoughts, dreams, memories and plans to keep me company.

There have been times in my life that I felt like I was always surrounded by people. It seemed I never had a break, there was always  someone who needed me for one thing or another. Back then I had to get creative about carving out some time for myself and it felt like a luxury to find a few minutes to be alone. Now I know living with fibro means that I have to find strategies for increasing my energy and for keeping me from getting depleted. My alone time is part of my self-care and if it is important to me I am the one that needs to make sure it happens!

I need to find time each day to be by myself, to quiet my mind or to allow my thoughts to drift where they may. I need time where I don't have to meet anyone else's needs or answer anyone's questions. I love to be alone at home and I even notice a difference when my big ole dog isn't in the house. There is a stillness and a quiet that feeds my soul. If I go a few days without any time for myself, I feel the difference. I start to feel like I've lost my reserve of social energy and I get edgy and irritable.  I need a bit of mental and emotional space. Even if I just run a hot bath and take thirty minutes to disconnect from everything, I feel renewed. I find that my alone time re-charges my batteries and I can take on more of life when I've given myself that time. In those moments of solitude me, myself and I is plenty of socializing for me.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Day 38 - Hey, Body! Who's in Charge here?!?

Our brains are incredible! When I think of all the things that go on in my body without my conscious awareness, I can't imagine being in charge. Think of it - if you had to run your own body - could you do it? I couldn't! I have this image of myself running around like a crazed person - ok, keep that heart rhythm going thumpthump thumpthump, oops gotta tweak those stomach enzymes. Yikes, adjust vision for distance, no make that close-up, no distance again. Check bladder - good, not too full. Count platelets - white cells, red cells - hmmm whites a little low - make note to self to figure that one out. Whoa, not enough magnesium - send cramp to calf to alert system. Hey! Why am I drooling? Oops, forgot to swallow! 

I think I get too busy now - imagine having to regulate, monitor and fix all of the systems that keep me alive. I have enough of a challenge managing the things in my life that I am conscious of! How is is that my very own brain, my self, my soul, knows more than I know? Here I am making all these choices in my life, but maybe there is more to my wellness than my own awareness. Just like the automatic and complex systems in my body, my life seems to be an unfolding that operates in its own way and in its own time. Things happen that I don't understand, and then later, sometimes much later, it becomes clear why a certain person entered my life, or why I was delayed by just five minutes, or that aggravating change in plans led to something exciting and wonderful. Clearly, my life is on a different path than it was since I began fighting fibro, and I have fought to get on another. But it has made me think of life a little differently. And truth be told, there has been some good that has come out of it. My life, my work, my relationships, my activity level, my priorities and my goals have all been tweaked and I still have a very fulfilling life.

Some of the changes I've made have been wonderful and have made my life rich, joyful and less complicated, some were heart-wrenching, and others healthy, but not fun. Some of the changes have led to new friendships with people that know me now, rather than back when I could do whatever I wanted to do on a moment's notice. They understand and support my wellness. I may not be able to run all the systems in my body, but I can run my own life. I can look for ways to stay conscious and aware of opportunities and possibilities to keep my life going in the right direction. There is a lot going on inside of me that I can't begin to explain. But I do know my brain, my mind, my soul, whatever you want to call it, carries wisdom. I may not understand it, but I can certainly trust it. Part of my wellness is to quiet myself to access some of that wisdom and to use the ah-ha's and moments of clarity to create my best life.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Day 37 - A Day in the Life - An Insider's Peak at Fibro


Today a friend was wondering how my blog relates to my 365 days of recovery. I explained that at this point, I don't know what will work and what won't. Since I have no big news about a miraculous recovery,  I am focusing on the nuances of wellness. Kind of like getting my house in order by attacking this thing medically, but supporting a sense of balance in my mental, emotional and social well-being as well as my physical health. I'm looking at what works in my life and what doesn't and how those things connect to my over-all well-being. I've only been in treatment for a month and I haven't seen any signs of improvement. I'm told it will take 3 - 4 months before I see any difference. I've got a lot of blogs to write until then.

One alternative to my writing about snippets of my life and well-being is to blog about my symptoms. It might look something like this:
Day 1 - Had a screamer of a migraine, my back ached, I couldn't concentrate, had double vision, couldn't fall asleep until 2 am. Slept for 7 hours woke up feeling like crap. Have taken a nap but now my legs hurt. Took 19 different supplements and meds over the course of the day. Hope this recovery program helps.
Day 2 - See Day 1  and no results yet
Day 3 - See Day 1 but no headache and couldn't take a nap because I was at work.
Day 4 - Went to sleep at midnight, overslept and nearly missed my meeting. See Day 1 again without the headache
Day 5. See Day 1, include headache, no leg pain, but add wrists aching - why? Who the hell knows.
Day 6  Had a pretty good day - took a couple of walks with the dog. Maybe this is helping!
Day 7 - On the couch all day. couldn't move, think, or give a crap about anything. Good news - no headache.
Day 8 - Only on the couch for half the day. Finally dragged myself into the shower around one o'clock. Ran a few errands. Back on the couch by 4.
Day 9 - Off to the doctor for an intravenous vitamin treatment. Hard day. Tomorrow I will have more energy!
Day 10 - What energy boost? Exhausted. Couldn't sleep last night. Falling asleep at my desk. Body aches all over. Can't see - blurred and double vision.
Discouraged.
Day 11 - See Day 1.

Ridiculous, huh? But I am still determined to see this through and come out better on the other side. Am I being an unrealistic optimist? I don't think so. I am being treated by a physician who knows this condition and lives with it herself. I am getting the best nutritional support I can get, my family is supportive and the decisions being made are based on data from medical tests. This is only the second month - I have eleven to go - 329 days more. Can I do it? See Day 365.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Day 36 - Getting Better - It's All About Trust


A few weeks ago I was shopping in a store named after one of my favorite cities. I got into a conversation with the shop keeper about it and we found we had lots of little things in common. She was a very sweet person and I enjoyed our exchange. While we chatted, it was clear that she was really tired and was leaning her whole body against the wall as she sat next to her cash register. She mentioned that she was really tired.I asked if a cup of coffee might help, and would she like for me run over to a nearby shop to get her some. She declined. I offered again and we went back and forth a couple of times with the social niceties. She said,"Oh, no, I couldn't ask that of you." And I said, "Really, it's no problem." And I meant it. She took a deep breath and said, "Okay, will you watch the store while I go get myself a cup of coffee? I could use the break".
 
I was surprised, make that shocked, that she would leave me, a complete stranger, alone in her store while she went around the corner. But at the same time, I felt quite honored that she saw in me someone that she could trust. It was wonderful to have the kind of an experience with another person where there was an understanding between us that we were looking out for one another in that moment in time. She didn't ask my name, and I didn't get hers. She came back into the store, thanked me, sat back down in her spot and rang up my purchase. We said goodbye. I will probably remember that experience forever.
 
We live in a culture that seems to focus on our fears. Because of that, it sometimes feels like it's harder to trust people than it used to be. Over the past years I've needed a doc I could put my faith and trust in. I tend to be a trusting person. But lately, trusting doctors has been well, let's say, a challenge. Then I met my new Lady Doc. After just a few minutes with her I was like the shop keeper - ready to give over my trust. There is just something about her that makes me feel relaxed and confident that she is the right physician for me, at this point in time. The woman in the store trusted me with her stuff and that is very cool. As for my Lady Doc - I'm trusting her with my life.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Day 35 - Forgiveness - Giving, Getting and Letting Go

Forgiveness is a real challenge, but one that is worth facing. At a workshop on forgiveness I was guided through a meditation that asked me to select a person I wanted to forgive. So I picked someone I had worked with who did some pretty dishonest things and hurt me and others in the process. So I was to picture this person swinging on a swing and when she went back I was to say to myself. "I release you to your highest good". And when she swung forward, "I release myself to my highest good." It sounded reasonable and it might get me there, to that elusive place called forgiveness, so I was willing to give it a go.

So, I relaxed my body, cleared my mind, and got myself into the meditation, swinging this woman back and forth, back and forth. Well, about the fifth time swinging, this gigantic pair of scissors appeared in my meditation and clipped the rope she was swinging from and she landed in a heap on the ground. End of meditation! I was horrified! What kind of person could even think of that! After the exercise, we were asked to share our experiences. Person after person talked about the release they felt in moving another step closer to forgiving someone. My head was spinning with, "Should I share, or not, yes or no, yes or no". I felt like the least spiritual person in the room. But, I shared. And it was okay. Because forgiveness can be a process and not an event and I was one step closer than I had been before we started.

If I have felt wronged, or hurt, or disappointed it's up to me to get right with myself. The other person isn't in my head or heart and may not even know that I'm in that struggle. I do forgiveness for myself. It frees my heart to be open. It clears my emotions from junk that I would have to carry around (sometimes for years) and it helps me to be kinder to myself and others when they mess up. When I think of forgiveness I'm not saying to forget what happened and let the person off the hook. We need to be accountable for our actions and to do right by others. For me, I have to forget about the details of what happened and LEARN from it. How can I interact with this person in a healthier way, can I look at their point of view and at least understand their perspective? How can stand up for myself better or be more self-protective or have better boundaries? I know that when a loved one, friend, or colleague forgives me my mistakes, I feel blessed. We all mess up. We all do. Forgiveness isn't easy but I'm willing to keep working on it.  

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Day 34 - Newsflash - No Silver Bullet Discovered. Drat.

Would YOU use a product that would help you lose weight, give you more energy? have friends tell you you're less irritable? and as an added bonus elevate your sense of happiness? Well, sign me up! How many times have I read an article or seen an advertisement or an online blurb with a product that promised to relieve my fibro and chronic fatigue? How many friends and loved ones have forwarded that stuff to me hoping to give me hope and maybe a chance at reclaiming my life. They are so sweet to care so deeply, but, again and again, these one-shot-wonder cures just set me up for more disappointment and frustration. So far, there has not been ONE way (at least for me) to solve this problem. It's gotten to the point where I probably wouldn't trust a "wonder drug" if it did come along. There have been so many broken promises.
 
For so long I have been searching for the right sleep strategy, the right pain med, the med that would clear my head and on and on. I've read everything I could get my hands on and I have visited many different physicians and clinicians. That long road has led me to my Lady Doc. I feel confident and in good hands because and she is not offering unreasonable promises for my recovery. It seems that she is considering my wellness from all angles, she is both optimistic and realistic and we are taking things one step at a time. I have stopped looking for silver bullets and the ONE magical cure that will change my life - I'm taking more of a shot-gun approach.

Wellness is complicated and for a very long time I've believed that my overall wellness is the balance I strike between my physical, emotional, mental and social being. My life experience, interpretation and perception of life events and the level of optimism I practice also impact my over-all well being. There isn't a single pill that can make me well or a single exercise or spiritual practice. But if I find the best of those, and integrate them into my life with a sense of awareness and purpose, I move toward being more well. When my system is out of whack (a highly medical term, I know) it is going to take a multi-pronged approach to get well again. So that's what I'm up to these days, adding prongs. Oh, and by the way, that product I mentioned in the first sentence was an ad for dog food. Go figure.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Day 33 - What Can I Say Yes to?

I remember the days of getting together with girlfriends or making new friends doing some good in my community. There was lots of fun connected with doing something worthwhile. I've never had tons of time for volunteering, but the things I did felt satisfying and they worked in my life. Lately, I haven't been doing much volunteer work. But, the little bit I'm doing is important to me and I want to keep it going. The problem I run into is that once I start with an organization it feels like there is pressure to be involved more, do more and to commit to more time because they have enormous need. It's just not possible for me and I don't feel really good about that.

It happened again this weekend. I went to a luncheon for a group I've done some volunteer work with. I was asked to serve on an additional committee and I declined, saying that I was still dealing with fibro issues. The president of the group responded with,"But you look terrific". This was after oversleeping, waking with a flaming migraine, downing a handful of supplements and meds, doing an abbreviated morning routine so I could get out of the door on time and having a little pity party in the middle of it all. There are days that I just can't keep the cheery face going, but on the other hand, I don't want to go around looking all sick and pitiful. I want to be authentic, but I really don't care to go into details about how I'm feeling every day.

When I am asked to do tasks beyond what I'm already doing, I get cautious. I hate it when I've made a promise that I can't keep, so I am slow to make promises. Once I have made a commitment, I will push myself, even when I shouldn't, so I have learned to say no early on so expectations stay realistic. When organizations ask for my time, I will offer a donation instead. If I can't do a donation or volunteer my time I will simply say ,"I'm sorry , but not at this time." End of discussion. As I start to feel better during this recovery process I am going to be very careful about what gets added back in my life. Giving to others is important to me. I will choose to give my time to activities that give my life meaning and I will give that time and energy freely, joyfully and with the promise that I will show up because I am strong enough to do it!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Day 32 - Uh, oh - C R A S H !

Today I walked my big, fluffy, goof of a dog with my hubby. I don't usually go along on their walks because they go so far and I get concerned that I'll run out of steam half-way through the outing. That has happened to me a bunch of times, where I'm in the middle of a walk, an activity, an event or an afternoon and it's like someone pulled a plug and all my energy drains right out of me and then there I sit! It's very disconcerting.

A few years back, I was riding bikes with my hubby on vacation in Florida. I was having a great time just toodling around and challenging myself every now and then by racing up to an inclined bridge and then letting myself just coast on the other side after I'd reached the crest. After a few miles I was quite suddenly overcome with fatigue. I just couldn't go on. I was drained and my muscles seemed to have lost their strength. I felt like a rag doll. We checked our little resort map to see how much further it was to the hotel. We thought the ride was a big circle and that we would end where we started. It wasn't. Guess we didn't study the residential part of the map very carefully. The outing we planned had just doubled in distance because we had to repeat our path to get back.

We sat along the side of the road trying to figure out what to do. Should he leave me and go back and then come get me in the car? Should we wait it out and hope I'd feel better and do the ride myself? Should we call for help? It was ridiculous and I didn't want to do anyting to call attention to myself. Very fortunately, we didn't have to figure it out ourselves. A very sweet man in the neighborhood saw us sitting under a tree and came over to offer his assistance. He drove us back to the hotel and even went back for the bikes. What a blessing and a God-send for us.

That event stands out to me as the perfect example of pushing myself too far and crashing. It happens and I must say it's not all that predictable. I've had days that I was sure would create a crash and other days that I didn't think I did anything all that taxing and I wind up on the couch. Go figure. The balance I am working to strike is to make sure I continue to do things in my life that make me happy, that nourish my soul and body and that keep me feeling alive and engaged. I think I've gained a little bit of wisdom about my body, and how it works, to know there are things I need to avoid because of my history of crashing after them. But I also don't want to limit my life one bit more than I have to. So, like taking that walk with my dog, I make the best decision I can, do an energy check to see if I can keep going when I'm in the middle of it and embrace the possibility that this time I will be fine.


Saturday, September 11, 2010

Day 31 - Such Ordinary Days

I like routine days. No ups or downs, just ordinary days that kind of meander with no real sense of purpose or big list of stuff to get done. It feels good to have the packing and unpacking for vacation behind me, the back porch project is just about finished, the laundry is done and the house is in pretty good shape. It's nice to have a weekend to look forward to with no serious commitments and the days will shape themselves with what looks good to me in the moment. It's especially nice to feel well enough to enjoy it. Today is a pretty good day!

On this kind of a day I plop down on the couch and read a couple of magazines or check out what's on TV. I usually wind up watching some kind of show about nature or cooking. I go through the mail and look through some catalogs and fold back the pages that have something that catches my eye. I put them in a stack on the coffee table and there they'll sit until they go into the recycle bin. I won't order the things I marked. I rarely do, but it's my way of window shopping. Sometimes, something I see will inspire me - a color, a style, or a texture, and I'll head upstairs to my work table and play around with my beads and start a project. Most of the time I don't finish anything in one sitting - I have to go back a few times to make sure it's just right. But this is the kind of day for starting and approaching - not necessarily finishing.

I spend some time with the dog, maybe give him a stroll around the block and then give the cat equal time. I might make a phone call or two and catch up with a friend or waste some time on my computer. Dinner is simple. I do all kinds of silly little things and look back at my day and wonder where the time went. But those kind of days help to re-charge my battery. They are a welcome change from the days when I feel scrambled and pressured because there is just too much on the to-do list or I am in the middle of a fibro crash day when nothing, and I mean nothing gets done. I am grateful for ordinary days, and appreciate that not every day has to be exciting or even "productive" the way we usually think of that word. Routine, run-of-the-mill ordinary days can be just perfect .

Friday, September 10, 2010

Day 30 - Getting Better - a Fishing Expedition?

It's nice to have a hobby. I'm interested in a lot of things and that helps to keep my mind engaged and curious. I like to try new things and I'm an eager learner, so new things can catch my fancy. I was recently on vacation and my hubby and son-in-law went out after dark to do some surf-fishing. That's something I've never tried before so I was interested in what it was all about. I've only done a little bit of fishing in my life and I can't quite figure out how you know if you're good at it, other than that you catch fish. But it seems to me, people who fish spend a lot of time not catching a thing. (On the other hand, they've got really good form and they know a lot about water currents and shade and where fish hide. They know what time of day to catch what kind of fish and their tackle boxes are filled with mysterious looking tools, gadgets, lures and creepy crawlies). Anyway, I went out on the beach to get in on the action, but from where I was standing - it didn't look like there was much going on. The two guys were sitting in beach chairs, smoking cigars and the poles were stuck in sand spikes and they were just watching for the end of the pole to bend. This is fishing? It didn't look very hard to me.

Well I was wrong. Surf fishing wasn't easy for me at all. It was hard as all get-out to cast the line because the bait and the sinker are heavy, the rod is long and not very light or flexible. A flick of the wrist didn't do anything to improve my cast and my attempts at casting were pitifuful to say the least. I wasn't much better at watching the line. There is a lot of movement on a surf pole because of the waves and the undertow. I was like the boy who cried wolf - "I think we've got one!" Ummm, no we don't. Oops. But it was wonderful to be in the night air, out on the beach and the company was easy and relaxed. Now that was part of surf fishing I could get into!

It's fun to be good at something and know that when I attempt it I have a pretty good chance at being successful. I guess that comes with experience, practice and sometimes a good friend or teacher to lead the way. It's also fun to be a beginner, to not even know what question to ask because I have no idea what I'm even supposed to be thinking about doing. That's how I'm feeling about now about my fibro recovery. I have so many questions and also a ton of things I don't even know I should be asking. I'm at the same time excited and a little bit nervous that I can do everything I need to be doing. My Lady Doc is my teacher and partner in this journey. In some ways, I'm experienced and in others I'm just a beginner. This journey may not be my new hobby, but I can approach it with the same determination and curiosity as I have the hobbies that have turned out to give me so much pleasure.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Day 29 - Happily Staying in the Loop

The way I socialize has gone through some changes since fibro, with its chronic fatigue, came and plopped itself in the middle of my life. In some ways the changes are okay, but there are people that I miss that have fallen off along the way. I just didn't have the energy I used to have to devote to friendships and those friendships just couldn't bear the demands of thriving in the context of my unpredictable condition. My best friends have never lived close to me so I have always spent lots of time on the phone and that hasn't changed. I am so thankful for those friendships and feel grateful that I can still manage those kind of relationships. You don't have to be in the same room with a friend to have a fun-filled or rich conversation.

I've changed my expectations when I'm entertaining at home. I keep menus simple and when guests ask if they can bring anything I say, "yes". If we are getting together on the spur of the moment we order in pizza or get some kind of take-out to keep preparation simple and clean up easy. It's all about sharing company and not impressing folks with my culinary skills. I look forward to get-togethers at home and spending time with family and friends. That time has become very precious because it happens less frequently than it used to, and having loved ones visit at home will always be special.

I learned from my daughter that coffee shops are a wonderful place to have get-togethers, whether it's just one friend or a small group. A group of my college friends gets together over coffee - it's no stress for any of us, the coffee shop is centrally located and no one is responsible for clean-up. Getting together with friends and going out to dinner is just too much for me some days. But, getting together at a local coffee shop for a chat and a cuppa coffee is perfect. It's a rare day that I can't muster up the energy for that kind of a visit and I come away feeling connected and energized. Plus, I can show up in my jeans and a tee shirt and feel perfectly dressed for the occasion.

On days when I'm not up for a chat, it's great to instant message or text to stay in touch. My computer has become a huge part of my plan to stay in touch with my buddies. It's been a gradual but excellent change in how I check in with family, friends and colleagues. Participating in social networking sites is a fun way for me to interact with old friends and to discover new friends with common interests. Couch days are a lot more interesting with my laptop perched next to me and a couple of different kinds of conversations going. The fibro site I've connected with has been a rich source of conversation, camaraderie and connection. I'm a social person who loves to know what's going on with the people I care about - this social network stuff is just what the doctor ordered in keeping me in the loop and sharing what's going on with me.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Day 28 - Yep, I Make Mistakes and ....

When I was in first grade, I took a bite out of another student's Tootsie Roll and got caught. I didn't take the whole thing, just a little nibble. We were playing musical chairs and there it was - peeking out on the edge of the inside of the desk. I could almost taste it. And don't you know - that's the desk where I landed again and again when the music stopped. By about the third time at the desk, I couldn't resist the temptation any longer and I bit it. Just the very end. Just a taste.

I don't know how I got caught - maybe it was the little bits of chocolate between my teeth - but before I knew it there I was in the hall with my teacher, the principal and a student who was part of the school patrol. I remember my face being red with shame and I couldn't explain myself. "Why did you take it? Why? Why? Why?" I felt like I had robbed a whole candy store because the shame and embarrassment over my theft was that big. I was mortified standing in front of my beloved teacher and the school patrol who would see me every day at the corner on my way home.

The degree of shame I felt was certainly not worth a taste of that chocolate. I knew it was wrong - but I thought just a little nip wasn't nearly so bad as taking the whole thing. But that's not how I felt in the end, and to this day I remember how terrible I felt about myself and what I had done. I wish that lesson had stayed with me forever - that I would never mess up again and I would do the right thing every time and have great and expansive wisdom and never hurt another soul for as long as I live. Heavy Sigh. It just doesn't happen that way- for me anyway.

I never feel good after I've messed up and I tend to agonize over what I've done wrong. I look at the situation from all different angles and spend a lot of energy trying to figure it out. I know we all make mistakes and it's impossible to get through life without a few good-sized screw-ups, but I need a better way of putting my mistakes behind me without all the endless guilt and regret. I need to accept responsibility for my error, do what I can to make it right, say "I'm sorry", and then move on. I can choose to put a lot of extra stress on myself for being the very imperfect person I am, or pull myself up and just do better next time. And the next time, and the next.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Day 27 - Hi-ho Hi-ho It's Off to Work I Go

It's tough to get back in the swing of things after a long weekend or a vacation. I think I expect to feel better and have my fibro and chronic fatigue under control after I haven't worked for a while - even though nothing much else is changed. Feeling crummy makes me start to think about how hard it is for me to keep working and I wonder if that's the best choice for me. Then again, maybe I give work less credit that it is due when it comes to my wellness. Work is actually very good for me and it energizes me in a different way than other aspects of my life. When I am at work I am "on duty" in the best sense of the word. I have a purpose, a job to get done and a whole group of people around me who are supportive of each other. We all have a goal and even though we may be working on different aspects of that goal - we are all working toward the same thing. There's an excitement and a sense of serving others that is nurturing to my soul.

I have always believed that a person's work is not what makes them important. It's the way an individual approaches their work, their attitude toward it, and the pride they take in a job well-done that make them and their work meaningful. Now, it's true that brain surgeons are pretty smart and they have a high pressure job - but if they are a crummy brain surgeon, filled with self pride and no time to be caring and nurturing of their patients - does that make them great? I know lots of folks who do small jobs in big ways. I know people who go about their work with joy and gusto and they give it all they've got. Although there may be parts of my job I could do without, it makes sense to me to approach my work life with optimism and a strong sense of purpose.

When I am not well, my job gets a lot harder. But I do know that the discipline of getting up and getting into the office is good for me. It's good for me to have responsibilities and deadlines, projects and people I am accountable to for their success and for my own. When I am having an especially difficult week I think about quitting my job and just staying home. But then I realize that I am just not ready to give it up yet. I will re-arrange my work schedule, call in sick when I have to and ask for help when I need it. My work doesn't define me nor does my illness, but for me, having work gives my life direction and meaning.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Day 20 - Shifting Gears

I was thinking that I miss driving a stick-shift. For as long as I can remember, I had a car that required me to change the gears as I drove. I liked the control on wet and snowy roads and I kind of got a kick out of the feeling of pushing the gears every now and then and hearing the whine of the engine as I pushed the limit. It was cool to drive a stick and I liked the way I felt driving in all kinds of conditions and trusting my vehicle to respond the way I wanted it to. I switched to an automatic on the advice of a physical therapist who was working with me on my "energy conservation" strategies. Just like that, I no longer had to pay attention to my engine - the transmission was in control.

Now, I kind of feel like my whole life has shifted gears. Even though my car is an automatic, I'm no longer on automatic as I go though my days. I am very much aware when my body makes a shift and I am pushing my limits. I have to pay attention to my body and be aware of the subtle shifts that happen during a day. After living with fibro for so long, I can sense when to slow down and when I can move full speed ahead. Some days when I'm pushing, and I know it, but go ahead anyway, my body puts on the brakes and I am stopped, literally, in my tracks and I can't do anything more. I'm back to being in charge of shifting gears and it is giving me a better sense and awareness of my body and my need for strategies to be well.

Maybe I can think of my body as a really fine, but sensitive car - like an old MG or a Triumph. They were fun to drive but they always needed a little bit of adjustment. Some days they got you where you wanted to go, and other days, well, they broke down. If I am going to be well I can accept that this engine of mine is a bit quirky, it's got a lot of miles on it and it may break down every now and then. But I have some tools to start to set things right.I'll just have to spend some time in the shop and get ready for the long and happy trip ahead.

Day 26 - How Do I "Get It"?

I have a friend from way back in high school. We never really get to see one another, but after connecting up again said, "Even though we don't get together, it's nice to know somebody out there "gets me". It's such a basic thing - to be understood. We want our intentions to be clear, our actions accurately interpreted and our feelings understood. We want others to share our joy and support us when we are in pain. We want to be able to do the emotional short hand with others that creates an "I get that" that allows us to just relax and lean into the moment. (I think my dog gets me - but that's for another day).

There have been countless times when I've said something, done something or felt something that was totally misunderstood, and I am sure others have felt the same coming from me. It is so incredibly frustrating to be mis-understood. When my intentions are good and another person just sees my mistake, I feel deflated. When I think I have done the right thing and someone else was happy with a short-cut, and is ticked off at me for making things complicated, I feel discouraged. When I am working on one of my (seemingly endless) issues and still don't get something quite right and then get attacked for it, I feel incompetent.

If we can attach a feeling to the issue that isn't understood, we can sensitize each other to really listen beyond words and actions. Few of us start our day gleefully stating, "Well, today is a great day for me to really screw things up, irritate my family, annoy my friends and alienate the folks I work with!" Instead we wake up, get our day going and hope for the best. Maybe there is a step I can add to the preparation for my day that includes setting an intention to be more open in both my listening and my expression. I can ask how someone is feeling in a situation and not just deal with the "facts" I think I understand. Maybe I can share my feelings instead of defending my position. Maybe I can set an intention to soften my exchanges and not allow annoyance and anger to drive the conversation. I can't control the way others communicate with me, but I can control the way I communicate with them.

I am a work in progress and I sometimes don't even "get" myself - why did I say or so what I just did? Aargh. So, how can I ask others to "get" me when I'm still trying to understand myself? What's surprising and amazing is that I can learn form others about who I am when they see something in me that I don't see clearly. Only I can know my intentions, and intention counts, but the way I operate in the world is open to interpretation. My journey is to be open to seeing beyond what I think I understand about myself and others. It's a tall order, but it's part of my overall wellness and certainly an energy booster when I can resolve differences with those around in me in a way that is honest and affirming.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Day 25 - I Have So Much

I have so much in my life. So much to be thankful for, so much to figure out, so much to think and feel about, so much to do. I have so much to look forward to and so much to remember. I have so much hope and so much faith. I have so much love in my life, in my relationships and in my heart. I have so much more to experience and so much more work to do. I have so much gratitude and appreciation and so much to celebrate. I have so much joy and so much delight that there aren't enough hours in the day to live it all. I have so much. Each and every day I am thankful for the riches in my life - my family and friendships, meaningful work, the pleasures of nature and the prosperity I am blessed with.

All that I have, all that I am, and all that I am growing into, is my focus today. I can focus on these things or I can focus on lack. As I face another day of feeling rotten, not being able to see clearly and being in pain, I have two choices - focus on prosperity or focus on lack. I am so blessed to have a safe and comfortable place to rest on days that my body just won't get going. I have loved ones standing by and I know they will come if I call to them for their assistance or support. I have the means to explore options for increasing my well-being and I don't have to worry about money if I want or need to try something new to increase my comfort and wellness. I have been blessed with capabilities that allow me to work part-time and still feel like I am accomplishing something of value in my community. I am surrounded by possibilities and I continue to seek growth and new ways of being in my life.

It is my choice to remain positive and to recognize all that is well with me. I embrace all of who I am and in doing that, I can make peace with what is, as I search for what can be. Today may be a slow day, but it's still a day that I am here and fully alive. I can find ways to make this a day that is rich by focusing on what I CAN do instead of listing the things I can't. I can accept the limitations I'm feeling today without succumbing to them. I have so much to be grateful for and I still have much to give. I celebrate each and every day I have - to do what I can, with what I have, and let go of the rest.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Day 24 - Family Life - A Balancing Act

Family life is a real balancing act. Throw in a family member with a medical condition and it starts to get whacky - throw in another and you start to wonder how to keep it all together. Add a dog and I sometimes wonder who is in charge! There are moments when chaos rules. I have a multipy-handicapped daughter and it has become more and more of a challenge to meet her needs and mine at the same time. She is very active and has an attention span of about four minutes. Whatever I'm doing she wants a piece of the action - except when I need to rest. (That's boring). Oh boy, what to do and how to do it???

She lives in a small group home about ninety minutes away and I do see her regularly. It has gotten more difficult for me to do the drive myself so I am limited to visits when someone can come with me. Bringing her home is really rough because she demands so much of my attention, I don't get a chance to catch my breath and I can just feel the energy draining from my body. I love her to pieces and I feel strongly that She feels a part of family life. She is a young adult and has her own set of needs and wants and I, as her mom, and advocate, need to make sure she has those needs and wants met. The trick is to balance them with my own.

My commitment to wellness and balance in my life isn't just about me - it's also about the people in my life that I love and cherish; like my daughter. She has her special needs and I have mine. It's about having the energy to be with my daughter in ways that work for both of us. I am so thankful for my hubby who steps up and helps with making our visits the best they can be. Our family is like a team and each of us takes our turn leading, as well as following. As long as we can be sensitive to each of our needs, our family will thrive and be a source of strength. Every one of us has special needs, mine and my daughter's happen to be medical. Those needs can't overshadow the needs of other family members. Each of us can contribute, in our own way to the happiness and well-being of each family member and celebrate our uniqueness as well as our togetherness.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Day 23 - I Don't HAVE to - I GET to!

There's often a fine line between what I want to do and what I have to do. I used to think of the "have to's" as the less desirable tasks of life, as in - I have to pay bills, clean the kitchen, do laundry, go to the bank, get to a meeting and on and on. The "want to's" were - visit my daughters, go out to eat, go antiquing, do a creative project or go to a party. With fibro, it's all turned upside down. Now everything seems to go into the "have to" column because I have to think about how much I can do in a day and the fun stuff often feels like a responsibility or added task rather than a fun escape. I know it's better to focus on the "want to" part of it - but when I'm dragging it all feels like a lot of work!

So what's the upside to this shift of "want to's" over to "have to"? Well, I sure do choose what I do more carefully and have gotten much better at saying "no, thank you". I Have to prioritize my days and make sure I have down time built in so I can re-group. If I have to go to a wedding - that's my activity for the day. If I've made the social commitment, then I need to plan around it so I can go and have a good time. If I have to attend a meeting or a get- together, I make sure to leave plenty of time ahead of the event to have a bit of a rest before I get ready to go out. I do my best to follow through on the commitments I make, and sometimes it just isn't possible. So when I have to cancel, I try to do it without a lot of fanfare. I just say I'm having a bad day and then let go of the guilt and frustration.

Life needs a bit of flavor and the things I want to do need to be as important as the things I have to do. One of my goals in creating more wellness in my life is to continue to re-frame my thinking so that the plans I make feel energizing and something to look forward to rather than something to dread. I can't do everything but I can do some things. I may not be able to visit every antique store in a favorite little town - but I can sure get to a few. If I visit my aging mother it's for thirty minutes instead of an afternoon. Maybe I don't go out to eat dinner with friends because it is a long drawn-out event - but getting together for coffee and a few laughs is a great alternative. I'm a responsible person and the tasks for keeping my life in order get done. Maybe not exactly on time, or with the attention to detail they used to get, but well enough!

A balanced life honors and respects the need to have some sense of self-determination. A chronic illness can seem to take that away, especially when things that I want to do get canceled out because my condition. I shift into "have to" thinking and I struggle to get to the must do list and wind up spending lots of energy on things that don't feed my soul. That's when I need an attitude adjustment and get back to a balance in my life that honors my deep desire for fun, socializing, exercise, and creative expression. I can choose to want to do all the things on my balanced list and see them as contributing to my comfort, sense of peace, feeling of accomplishment and an overall satisfaction with the life I'm living. I don't have to do that - I GET to, and I can approach all the stuff on my "to do" list with all the energy I can muster!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Day 22 - Foggy With a Chance of Clearing

Living with a chronic illness is like dealing with the weather - you have some general predictions about what your days will bring, and every now and then a big storm rolls in. When I'm dealing with crummy weather what gets me through those nor' easters, hurricanes, tornado watches, blizzards and drenching rains is knowing the storm will pass. I just need to take care of myself as the nasty weather pounds down around me. That's true with my health issues as well. Not every ache and pain will last forever. The fog will lift, my tired will subside and my vision will clear. It may not all happen at the same time and it may not happen quickly - but I know that it will clear up, at least for a little while.

My lack of control over the fibro gets frustrating. I think that if I get to bed at a reasonable hour, take my meds and supplements, don't do too much on a single day I'll get a reprieve - a sunny day. Nope. Doesn't happen that way. One of the challenges of this condition is that you never know when a good day will come or a bad day will strike. There's a bumper sticker that reads - "If you don't like our weather - wait a few hours, it will change". My days can be like that, too. For a few hours I feel well, then I crash. Or I crash for half a day and the other half I feel human. My health forecast is "partly healthy with a chance of pain", or "storm hits with a vengeance". My "all clear, not a cloud in the sky" days are few, but each one is a gift and a treasure.

When it rains, I carry an umbrella, when it snows I wear my warmest coast and snuggly boots and when a hurricane is about to hit, I hunker down. I adapt to the weather in a matter-of-fact way and I have to adapt to my physical condition that way, as well. I can't control fibro any more than I can control the weather. What I can control is how I react to my symptoms when they hit. I can keep a positive can-do attitude and stay focused on the fact that symptoms come and go and if I can hang in there, I'll eventually feel a bit better.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Day 21 - Attached to My Attachments

I was very pleased with the blog I wrote today. It had to do with work and finding fulfillment as well as learning lessons about ourselves in our work. When I started the process of posting my blog, I hit a wrong key and the whole thing went away. Gone. Into cyberspace or who knows where. Funny - the title was, Lessons Learned. You'd think by now, cut and paste would be a no-brainer for me. Guess not. All it takes is one little brain burp and the work is gone. So now I'm going to write about attachment.

I have choices now that my mini-masterpiece is deleted. I can sit and re-create it - but that's not very satisfying. The joy is in the creation, not in the replication. I could moan and groan and not do a post today because I am so frustrated and annoyed at myself for screwing this up. Or, I can let go of the attachment to that particular piece and start anew. Attachments can cause us grief when we can't let go of something that no longer serves us. Or we can't let go because we are self-righteous or convinced it's the ONLY of something. When I can let go of attachments I open myself to something new - an opportunity, a change for the better or just for the different, a new perspective or simply a life that's less complicated.

I know people who get attached to something they want and everything that surrounds it is tainted because they don't get their way. It's exhausting. I know folks who have a particular point of view and everything becomes yes or no, good or bad, superior or inferior. It's almost impossible to have a real discussion because of their singular stance. There is complexity to our points of view and it's easy to lose the nuance and complexity of a situation because a person is attached only to their position. Those kinds of attachments are limiting and restrict opportunities for understanding and exploration of common ground.

As for me, I have to let go of the attachment I have to the way my life used to be. If I stay attached to the way my life "should" be, I will spend a lot of time bemoaning my fate and losing the opportunity to live the life I have. That doesn't mean I have to give up or to succumb - but it does mean that I can open myself up to seeing my life in a new, more gentle way. I don't have to judge the changes - I can simply describe them, make the most of them and find ways to enjoy them. Taking away the judgement is another way to reduce my attachments and when my attachments give me great satisfaction, I need to understand that there is still an ebb and flow. I have to be sure not to make those attachments reliant only on my needs and my perspective. Leaving some space for another point of view can be a very healthy thing.